Objects in Motion

If you ever spin really fast for a long enough time that you get dizzy, lying down does not immediately return your equilibrium.  In fact, lying down is the first moment you really feel the impact of the dizziness and it is awful.  You have to stay perfectly still for the motion to stop in your head and the calm to return.  Getting sick, and for a second time in a week finally staying put in my bed yesterday, provided this very sensation.  My life of sprinting on a moving sidewalk was forced to a jarring halt and I was struck with how difficult slowing down and even stopping can be.

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” Then the wind died down and it was completely calm.  Mark 4:39



The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Master, Master, we’re going to drown!” He got up and rebuked the wind and the raging waters; the storm subsided, and all was calm. Luke 8:24
 
I like the idea of Jesus' saying "Quiet!  Be still!" and that the waves weren't just the fun, summertime, boogie board variety but were "raging waters"...and all was completely calm in an instant.  There is no human invention that can do that with wild, raging water and I most certainly can not do that with my wild, raging soul.
 
Then he got into the boat and his disciples followed him.  Suddenly a furious storm came up on the lake, so that the waves swept over the boat. But Jesus was sleeping.  The disciples went and woke him, saying, “Lord, save us! We’re going to drown!” He replied, “You of little faith, why are you so afraid?” Then he got up and rebuked the winds and the waves, and it was completely calm. The men were amazed and asked, “What kind of man is this? Even the winds and the waves obey him!” Matt. 8:23-27

Then the LORD sent a great wind on the sea, and such a violent storm arose that the ship threatened to break up.  All the sailors were afraid and each cried out to his own god. And they threw the cargo into the sea to lighten the ship. But Jonah had gone below deck, where he lay down and fell into a deep sleep. The captain went to him and said, “How can you sleep? Get up and call on your god! Maybe he will take notice of us so that we will not perish.”...The sea was getting rougher and rougher. So they asked him, “What should we do to you to make the sea calm down for us?”  “Pick me up and throw me into the sea,” he replied, “and it will become calm. I know that it is my fault that this great storm has come upon you.” Instead, the men did their best to row back to land. But they could not, for the sea grew even wilder than before. Then they cried out to the LORD, “Please, LORD, do not let us die for taking this man’s life. Do not hold us accountable for killing an innocent man, for you, LORD, have done as you pleased.”  Then they took Jonah and threw him overboard, and the raging sea grew calm. Jonah 1:4-6, 11-15



Jonah was not an innocent man, yet he foreshadowed the One who would calm the storm by giving His life.  The raging waters that first wiped out the world in judgment would never again wipe out all those who fully deserve it, because the only One who knew no guilt bore their wrath and replaced their victory with His.
Even as I am spinning and wanting to throttle back, to be more present in the moment than running wildly to some distant finish line, I find I cannot calm myself, simmer myself down nor effectively command my heart, mind and soul to be quiet and still.  I try all sorts of cargo dumping, list making, and task completion efforts all to no avail.  The sea sickness continues.
 
“At that time,” declares the LORD, “I will be the God of all the families of Israel, and they will be my people.” This is what the LORD says: “The people who survive the sword will find favor in the wilderness; I will come to give rest to Israel.” The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness. Jer. 31:1-3
 
I love that I am among those who "survive the sword" not because of my swift feet and agile moves, but because and only because Jesus took the sword in my place!  And then, even in the wilderness (not just the promised land), He will give me rest.
 
Now may the Lord of peace himself give you peace at all times and in every way. The Lord be with all of you. 2 Thes. 3:16
 
He is the Lord of peace - not my unpacked boxes, not an orderly new house, not walls with baseboards nor finished paint or kitchen countertops or hot showers (none of which we quite have yet).  The accomplishment of these things, and the host of others on my ever growing to-do list, will never calm my busy heart nor bring to rest my soul in motion.  But His presence reminds me that He is rest, He is peace, He has the power to say, "Peace, be still!" and it will be so.  Even tonight as I close my eyes, oh would He quiet me.
 
Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Psalm 62:1

Attachment

In the midst of our sheet rock dust, no closet hanging rods or shelves yet only two rooms with doors "excitement", our kind and gracious social worker came to visit this week to update our home study for Uganda.  I'm grateful for his ability to see what isn't quite yet visible.  As we met with him, Elijah our four year old neighbor came on in the house on his own and checked in with us periodically in between costume changes while playing Ellie and Chad.  A friend also stopped by with dinner, my dad dropped in after visiting with our other neighbor about their house plans and he got a glimpse of the open door life in our neighborhood.  In some ways, as we talked about Uganda and adoption in this environment, it provided a wonderful "big picture" view of where God has us and is taking us.

My sheep listen to my voice; I know them, and they follow me.  John 10:27

In going back over some basic things about which we need to acknowledge our understanding in our home study, we discussed attachment issues.  A child who has lived life without a parent may at best have bonded with a particular care giver, but at worst seeks that intimacy with anyone and yet feels accountable to no one.  As I've sure mentioned before, I can see this tendency in my own orphan inclined heart.  I want anyone I encounter to approve of (and marvel at!) my thoughts, choices and actions while I may whither under the criticism of just as broad a spectrum of people.  All the while, there is only One voice that I should be tuning in to hear and recognizing as my authority and place of safety.

I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me.  Ex. 20:2-3

There is only One who has the power to truly rescue me (from my sin, from the judgment of others, from a broken world, etc.) and only One I am to call Abba Father.  Every single person who sets himself or herself before me should not command the same authority as my creator, redeemer, sustainer and lover of my soul.  When I, like a legal orphan, become properly attached to One Father, I do not have to madly seek out the affection of others, but can rest securely in the arms of One.  In a house full of people coming in and out, or a community of family and friends, there is only One voice which should capture my attention.
You belong to your father, the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning, not holding to the truth, for there is no truth in him. When he lies, he speaks his native language, for he is a liar and the father of lies.  John 8:44


The seeming chaos of our house, with people running in and out amidst tools, furniture, paint and toys, is not so stressful when I know whose voice to focus on or upon which one thing to focus.  While I have absolutely spent a good amount of time staring like a deer in headlights at the endless tasks which each demand my immediate attention, I have also experienced a surprising amount of peace even in the setting of this disorganized place.  Because a visitor wonders why we haven't landscaped yet or the plumber tells us how easy it would be to replace the latch on the crawl space, everyone else's urgent does not have to be mine.  In the broader context, all the voices which demand my attention or obedience can be quieted by His One voice to which He draws, tunes and attaches my heart.

The voice of the LORD is over the waters;

the God of glory thunders, the LORD thunders over the mighty waters. 

The voice of the LORD is powerful;

the voice of the LORD is majestic. 

The voice of the LORD breaks the cedars; the LORD breaks in pieces the cedars of Lebanon. 

He makes Lebanon leap like a calf, Sirion like a young wild ox.  The voice of the LORD strikes with flashes of lightning.  The voice of the LORD shakes the desert; the LORD shakes the Desert of Kadesh.  The voice of the LORD twists the oaks and strips the forests bare.

And in his temple all cry, “Glory!”

The LORD sits enthroned over the flood; the LORD is enthroned as King forever. 

The LORD gives strength to his people;

the LORD blesses his people with peace.

Psalm 29:3-11

Community, the Church

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. Romans 13:8


We are now living in this house, even without a kitchen (which I hope will begin to be installed today), or hanging rods in any of the closets, or a door on the one bathroom with a working shower.  I decided last night, even with half a bathroom unfinished as well as doors, two hallways and who knows what else, that I don't ever want to paint another stroke again or clean another brush or bucket, or run to buy yet another five gallons of paint.  The wrist brace that Anne lent me is no longer overcompensating for my manual labor injury and the blisters on my hands are outward indicators of the swollen joints inside.  At one point last week, I noticed that in my exhaustion, my face felt numb.  That is normal, right?

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. John 14:18

You, my brothers and sisters, were called to be free. But do not use your freedom to indulge the flesh; rather, serve one another humbly in love.  For the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Gal. 5:13-14

No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1 John 4:12

No matter what we as Americans try to do with it, no matter how my ego-centric heart presumes autonomy, the Gospel can never be individualistic, self-serving, or separatist and retain the integrity of it's GOOD news.  I have experienced this most beautiful "body of Christ" on earth in the process of this move.  From Scott, Eric, Wyatt, Drew and Ted constructing a new hallway in the back of our house to Jim installing sinks in our bathrooms, to Sarah removing the nastiest carpet ever, to Stephanie, Amy, Meredith, Hannah, EA, Karen, Melissa, Jenn, Mom and Diane painting, to Dad installing light fixtures and sink cabinets, to Walter hanging our bedroom door perfectly, to Carolos and LaTonya chauffeuring my children over to Elisabeth who graciously allowed them an escape from the madness for a few hours, to Liza cleaning the bathrooms not once but twice in a way that makes them safe to eat in, to the Westside Church volunteer moving crew, to Anne sorting through our piles of clothes in closets without hanging rods to bring order anyway, to Karen and Sarah letting us walk down to their house for breakfast Sunday and use their dryer,  to Beverly bringing us dinner, to Hannah hanging shower curtains, paper blinds and bringing a smoothie today as I'm finally in bed sick...I have experienced what it is to be part of the body of Christ and the joy that I am not left orphaned or alone.  It is astonishingly beautiful, unnatural and such evidence that Jesus is alive in this community.

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. Hebrews 10:24-25

It was not good for Adam to be alone, it was not complete.  It is only in my pride that I convince myself I don't need others.  Quite honestly, it seems impossible to say "I need God" and think I have no need of His people.  I hate feeling indebted to people, and yet I have found that my dependence on others is inextricably linked to my dependence on God.  What I mean is that as long as I feel reasonably self-reliant in relation to others, it can't help but make me feel self-reliant in relation to God.  On the flip side, surprisingly, as I acknowledge my needs before God and my need of others, it actually tears down walls and draws me closer to both.  I was not made to live unto myself, independent of either God or man, but rather belonging to both.


For just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we, though many, form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. Romans 12:4-5

Belonging means that once my season of extraordinary physical need comes to an end, which I hope it will soon, the goal is not to hibernate in this new home behind shut doors and drawn windows.  His love compels me outward and to allow others inside freely.  I am called to suffer with others as Jesus has suffered for and with me, ultimately in His living and dying but also through His people even in this past month.  I am also called to share in the celebrations of others.  The problem is that naturally, I don't really want to do either.  Naturally, I want to serve myself first and only, which I will do unless His Spirit is at work in me and overrides my strong, self-centered will.  And He promises to do just this!

For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being, but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members. Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin. Romans 7:22-25

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. 2 Cor. 12:9

Normal Life

I have found myself repeatedly saying that I'm ready to get back to "normal life".  My days being so consumed with painting, trips to salvage yards and home improvement stores, decisions about flooring, light fixtures and paint colors have taken me away from the things I would rather spend my time and energy doing.  For one, I really like to read books that direct my heart to the Gospel and remind me of the many ways I drift away from trusting Him to trusting myself instead.  I like to have more space and time for thinking through these things, teaching them and in general, being more intentional with my children and in my relationships.  I enjoy relationships far more than tasks, (even though tasks can be far more simple and straight forward).  As each of these things have fallen off the map, I feel at the mercy of this whirlwind of a season I'm in and I want to return to "normal life".

Praise be to the name of God for ever and ever; wisdom and power are his.  He changes times and seasons; he deposes kings and raises up others. He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning.  He reveals deep and hidden things; he knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with him.  Daniel 2:20-22

What I apparently mean by "normal life" is a more predictable daily routine in which I feel control over my schedule and environment.  When seasons of life come in which I feel out of control and the intentional living is replaced with either survival or the overwhelming immediate, I consider that abnormal.  Interestingly, God had to remind me that normal life isn't about my control, but His.  When I feel unintentional, He is still totally intentional.  There is no season of my life or the history of human life in which He is not exhaustively intentional and in beautiful, life-giving, redemptive control of all things.

Then Job answered the LORD and said:  "I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted. 'Who is this that hides counsel without knowledge?'  Therefore I have uttered what I did not understand, things too wonderful for me, which I did not know. Job 42:1-3

I am so quick to assume that my children will turn out well if I am intentional, that I will have effective ministry if I am focused and disciplined, that life will be smooth if I can be organized and that I am "with God" more in seasons where I am doing all these things than the ones that find me dragged by my circumstances like a cowboy being dragged on the ground by his horse through a desert.
 
I am astonished that you are so quickly deserting the one who called you to live in the grace of Christ and are turning to a different gospel—  which is really no gospel at all. Evidently some people are throwing you into confusion and are trying to pervert the gospel of Christ.  Gal. 1:6-7
 
The different gospel, which is really not good news at all, is that it is by grace I have been saved and by works I can remain.  Carson Pittman spoke about this yesterday in his sermon at Atlanta Westside.  When my security in Him (which includes confidence not only in His pleasure with me but also that He will produce fruit for my life to bear) shifts from the person and work of Jesus to the person and work of me, I have once again "fallen from grace" - or abandoned grace as my lifeline and grabbed hold of something else entirely.
 
Such confidence we have through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. 2 Cor. 3:4-6
 
For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16

This season I am in now, and have been in before (between schools, between jobs, with a newborn baby, with two children under three, selling a house, renovating a house, moving, the death of a loved one, etc.) IS normal life in God's kingdom and in His economy.  There is no intermission, time out, off track or otherwise distinction in seasons when it comes to the Gospel.  Not one circumstance is outside the reach of His redemptive presence nor outside the realm of His redemptive purposes.  My distractedness, the physical exhaustion which accompanies the demands of the moment, the limitations of time, or the unpredictable nature of certain season are all incapable of thwarting His plans and purposes. 
 
Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent. John 17:3
 
Oh this is indeed such GOOD news!  In this I can rest, with confidence in the security of His accomplishments on my behalf rather than the ebb and flow of my sense of self-reliant "normalcy".  Normal life stops being defined by my control over circumstances and some ideal of stress free living to knowing Him.  What season or circumstance exists that cannot draw me deeper into the knowledge of Him and intimacy with Him?

Do It Yourself IS for Dummies

So, this house renovating is killing me for a reason.  I am not skilled, I am not knowledgeable, I have only little increments of time and decreasing stamina.  Yet, I continue to do it myself and do it poorly.  Now,  don't worry, this is not a pity party...there are chuckles in my words as I say them.  If you could see the walls I worked on this morning, I hope you would laugh too.  We were supposed to mud and sand three times to get it smooth and exact.  We did two rounds of mud, one relatively good sanding and a second lame attempt at sanding and then I started to paint.  This particular wall has a textured look like you may find in a third world stucco exterior.  So, we'll just call it our "nod to other cultures" wall.  I'm not sure how to re-package the dried drips or paint lines on other walls or the holes I still haven't spackled but have painted over anyway...moon crater-esque?

When Peter saw this, he said to them: “Fellow Israelites, why does this surprise you? Why do you stare at us as if by our own power or godliness we had made this man walk?  The God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the God of our fathers, has glorified his servant Jesus. You handed him over to be killed, and you disowned him before Pilate, though he had decided to let him go. You disowned the Holy and Righteous One and asked that a murderer be released to you. You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead. We are witnesses of this. By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus’ name and the faith that comes through him that has completely healed him, as you can all see. Acts. 3:12-16

There are some things that are just easier to identify as "clearly the work of the Spirit", though we as believers claim all good gifts are from Him.  But, I for one still think I've got what it takes to get the job done independently.  My stubborn yet sloppy job on the walls of our new home is simply a visual aid for what my do-it-yourself righteousness is really like.  While an initial glance may only give the impression of the chosen color livening up the room, any further observation reveals the extensive (and in places obscene) mperfections.  Not only is the job not completed in a remotely satisfactory way, but all of my muscles ache, my hands have blisters and my joints feel swollen.  I am exerting all the energy I have to do a job poorly which professionals could come in and do well and more quickly.

O foolish Galatians! Who has bewitched you? It was before your eyes that Jesus Christ was publicly portrayed as crucified. Let me ask you only this: Did you receive the Spirit by works of the law or by hearing with faith? Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?  Did you suffer so many things in vain—if indeed it was in vain? Does he who supplies the Spirit to you and works miracles among you do so by works of the law, or by hearing with faith— Gal. 3:1-5

I want to be more loving or more patient or more generous or more...and so I decide to do it myself and wonder 1)why it isn't working, 2) why it is so exhausting and taxing and 3) what I need to do to get it right the next time.  It was God who began the good work in me, it is God who wills and acts in me according to His good purpose and it is the fruit of the Spirit that I need in greater abundance.  How exactly is it that I think I can produce in myself what is only His to cultivate and grow?

I was reading the parable of the prodigal son to Chad today and it occurred to me how deeply I still don't "get" the Father.  I continue to believe I am on a merit system with Him, earning blessings or clearly deserving the consequences of my laziness, selfishness and so on.  But the father doesn't give this son a lecture, doesn't make it a teachable moment to shame him and bring the spotlight on who was right and who was wrong and He doesn't tell his son to live with the consequences of the hole the son knowingly dug.  He clothes His lazy, greedy and selfish child with His robe, orders up a feast and celebrates His son's safety and returned presence.

The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. Gen. 3:21

I delight greatly in the LORD; my soul rejoices in my God. For he has clothed me with garments of salvation and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness, as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest, and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels. Is. 61:10




for all of you who were baptized into Christ have clothed yourselves with Christ. Gal. 3:27


For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not? 1 Cor. 4:7

My righteousness in Christ is completely earned/paid for/merited by Jesus alone.  It is like a debit account kept full by Him and at my disposal.  Then, rather than my cheap attempts at doing it myself, He sends His Spirit to plant, tend, grow and flourish His fruit in me.  His renovation of me is professionally accomplished and will not have to be re-done.  It cannot spoil, perish or fade.  It doesn't require marketing or spin to make it appear right.  He doesn't ask me to blister my hands to attempt what His hands have already been pierced to accomplish. 

I'm ok with the horribly unprofessional job I have done on the wall if only because it may serve as a physical reminder of a significant truth.  Being made holy, being conformed to His image, being transformed from fallen and broken to "perfect, complete, lacking nothing" is a job only possible for the person and work of Jesus.  May this truth not only give me rest and peace in the process, but also increase my patience with others who are also in His process.

So he said to me, “This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: ‘Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,’ says the LORD Almighty.  Zech. 4:6

Soul Care

Poor Terrell has called home to too many tears this week.  There is something about hearing his voice on the phone that signals "collapse", in the same way that my dad showing up early this morning, with Gatorade for Chad who threw up throughout the night, evoked immediate tears from this tired mama.  The sight, or voice, or presence of someone who fits the role of "care giver" to my deepest needs exposes my neediness and invites those tears.

For in the day of trouble he will keep me safe in his dwelling; he will hide me in the shelter of his sacred tent and set me high upon a rock.  Psalm 27:5

Keep me safe, my God, for in you I take refuge.  I say to the LORD, “You are my Lord; apart from you I have no good thing.”...LORD, you alone are my portion and my cup; you make my lot secure...Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,  because you will not abandon me to the realm of the dead, nor will you let your faithful one see decay. You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:1-2, 5, 9-11

Why do I assume the "day of trouble" only means a midieval battle field or something newsworthy?  And why do I feel the soul care I really need is not available at all moments from my loving heavenly Father through Jesus the way I expect my husband or parents to meet my bottomless needs?
 
The deception from the Garden onward has been that God is not for us, or able to help us, or willing to really meet the deepest needs of our weak estate.  So, what follows naturally is that we must do it ourselves, grab for the "personal self care" ourselves.  I begin to demand it from people around me who themselves have realized and unrealized needs for care and nurture themselves.  While God gives us the body of believers to live with and love, He gives us Himself first and yet I look to Him last.  May I hear His voice, look into His eyes and know His presence as that place of collapse, of safety and the source of care for the deepest weariness of my soul.
 
Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him.  Psalm 62:5
 
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit. Romans 15:13

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:14-19

Teeming with Life

Terrell leaves for New York today, a trip on which I had hoped to accompany him.  His pending departure without me opened the floodgates of tears that have been unintentionally suppressed for a while now.  I am tired.  We joke about the "few" things we have going on: adopting an orphan from Africa, moving into a neighborhood where we will initially be outsiders, working until our hands are swollen and our backs aching on this house so that it will feel like home sooner than later, and Terrell leading the charge to get a charter school started for the Westside of Atlanta.  Oh yeah, and I have two precious munchkins that actually need to be parented today, friends with whom I am privileged to share life through all it's celebrations and heart breaks and apparently a dog to adopt in the next couple of weeks as we move into our house.  (Dogs are more effective than alarms, we've been told, in deterring would be assailants.)  It all feels absurdly American hyper-active as it certainly must sound in your mind as you read this.  Yet, these are also very clearly the things God has called us to at this very time.  Even so, I am tired: physically and emotionally.  So last night, I cried and cried some of the exhaustion out.

Why do you complain, Jacob? Why do you say, Israel, “My way is hidden from the LORD; my cause is disregarded by my God”?  Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God,
the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.  He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak.  Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;  but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Is. 40:27-31

What I love about New York, what oddly makes it a place of rest for me, is that it is teeming with life.  There is a sense of being "on the verge" as we head out to dinner in Chelsea or to Wednesday Night Song Club (a gathering of local musicians either home from touring or not yet launched in their careers) that now meets in Brooklyn or for a long solo run through the northern part of Central Park.  For the few days I am there, much like the beach, I am free of schedules and responsibility for anyone or anything other than my imagination.  The restfulness of God being God rather me is so much easier to enjoy when it is so clear that nothing around me is dependent upon me to be accomplished or sustained.

See, the Sovereign LORD comes with power, and he rules with a mighty arm. See, his reward is with him, and his recompense accompanies him.  He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young. Is. 40:10-11

The weariness I am feeling, in part, is simply a reality of the "toil" that accompanies labor in a broken world.  The work itself brings dignity and life, but the toil is a reminder that I am not the author of life nor can my work ever be a reliable source for my stability or significance.  And that is the other part of the weariness: I have forgotten that I am shepherded by One who carries me close to His heart, who gently leads me and gathers me in His arms.  I am not the Good Shepherd and much of my toil and weariness results from assuming His absence.

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full. I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep. John 10:10-11

Jesus is teeming with life!  New York City, the beach, a clean five star hotel room, a hip meat packing district restaurant or hotel top bar, a music night or long run through Central Park can never offer, provide or give what they never really had - genuine life and that to the full.  Yet I look to them instead of the author, redeemer and sustainer of life.

The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by human hands.  And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else.  Acts 17:24-25

This is what God the LORD says— the Creator of the heavens, who stretches them out, who spreads out the earth with all that springs from it, who gives breath to its people, and life to those who walk on it: “I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness; I will take hold of your hand. I will keep you and will make you to be a covenant for the people and a light for the Gentiles, to open eyes that are blind, to free captives from prison and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness. I am the LORD; that is my name! I will not yield my glory to another or my praise to idols." Is. 42:5-8
He has worked so that I may rest.  He continues to work out His accomplished righteousness so that my heart may be at rest.  He will finish the work so that I may one day, finally, enter His rest.  It is in Him alone that I can find any life, but not just any life - a life on the verge of His Kingdom's victory.  He is teeming with life...oh would I go to Him!

From Buckhead to Bankhead

As I've been journeying daily into our new neighborhood to work on the house, a neighborhood only a couple of miles from the epicenter of the rest of our life, I am becoming more conscious of feeling like a foreigner. As I make the turn from Chattahoochee Industrial onto Marietta Blvd, the transition begins. By the time I turn right onto Donald Lee Hollowell (better known in the ATL as Bankhead Hwy, despite the effort to rename it and change it's reputation), there is a distinct feeling that I am not in Kansas anymore, or in my case, "Buckhead". I am extremely conscious of the fact that I don't know what the "norms" are here or in how many ways I am violating them. My skin color alone makes me a more obvious outsider here, but how many more of the childhood norms and expectations that go along with a life lived in white skin, in a culture that prizes white skin, will I discover have the potential to further alienate me from my new neighbors?


In reality, in every community there is a much broader vocabulary that we take for granted, there are style and taste assumptions we take for granted, there are forms of social interaction from small talk to humor to how we select our invitation lists that have all been shaped by the community in which we live. It is not like an after school special where a room is silenced if you break one of these norms, but there is a distinction between insider and outsider based on one's compliance with local norms (from school cultures to neighborhoods to nations). This is what makes the junior high student anxious entering the lunch room and it is what I am noticing makes my shoulders start to tighten as I drive into my new neighborhood.

If someone else thinks they have reasons to put confidence in the flesh, I have more: circumcised on the eighth day, of the people of Israel, of the tribe of Benjamin, a Hebrew of Hebrews; in regard to the law, a Pharisee; as for zeal, persecuting the church; as for righteousness based on the law, faultless.

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. Phil. 3:4b-9

I feel the insecurity of outsider status, knowing that surely at least one person watching through their screened window is asking, "Well now what are those crazy white people doing?" My most natural default mode is to declare internally that "they just don't know" and to assume the superior status with "my way". This assumption would of course be based on my personal community's norms and laws by which I would then choose to judge this entire community as themselves "outsiders". Great, then I win and they lose the insider/outsider game. OR I could try to do away with all the ways I've always operated and mimic the norms, vocabulary and cultural standards of my new neighborhood. Shame to Buckhead, bring in Bankhead. In those two options, I have to choose which laws I want to abide by and whose mark of approval will gain more for me.

Therefore no one will be declared righteous in God’s sight by the works of the law; rather, through the law we become conscious of our sin. Romans 3:20

My confidence and security has been placed in my own norms following, my own sense of abiding by the commonly agreed upon laws of the land. As these change, so does my peace, security, and confidence.

For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. Romans 8:3-4

The only Law that matters is God's, and it is a law whose demands I can never meet. Yet, all of the Law's demands have been fully met by Jesus who credits me with His righteousness.

Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for whoever loves others has fulfilled the law. The commandments, “You shall not commit adultery,” “You shall not murder,” “You shall not steal,” “You shall not covet,” and whatever other command there may be, are summed up in this one command: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law. Romans 13:8-10

And here is the difference: my laws, my community's laws and all other cultural norm regulating laws turn my gaze inward and seem to have as their goal the identification of insiders and outsiders. In beautiful contrast, God's Law is a written description of His own character. The goal of His Law written on my heart is that it would send my gaze outward to love others as I have been loved. I am no longer living under the norms of Buckhead nor will I simply change to adapating Bankhead's laws. Drawing lines alienates, while the person and work of Jesus reconciles.

You who are trying to be justified by the law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. For through the Spirit we eagerly await by faith the righteousness for which we hope. Gal. 5:4-5

Each time I feel that outsider insecurity creep into my body, would it immediately redirect my heart to the only source of security it was ever intended to have. Oh would my falls from grace, my grace amnesia, become less and His favor, His approval, and His warm embrace become more.

Lordship

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. “Do not fear their threats; do not be frightened.” But in your hearts revere Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander. 1 Peter 3:14-16

The reminder that Jesus alone is Lord shouldn't sound like something new or profound or novel.  But it has been for me in the past week.  I guess I am just exceptionally easily persuaded to bow to other "lords" who would tell me how I should be thinking about something, or feeling, or responding or acting.

My goal is that they may be encouraged in heart and united in love, so that they may have the full riches of complete understanding, in order that they may know the mystery of God, namely, Christ, in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. I tell you this so that no one may deceive you by fine-sounding arguments...For in Christ all the fullness of the Deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority. Col. 2:2-4, 9-10

Jesus is the head over every power and every authority.  EVERY power and EVERY authority!  Wow.  For me, cynical people speak with such authority that I am immediately silenced.  The same thing happens for me with naysayers and mockers.  I am equally disoriented by loud, angry and unpredictable people.  Satan so cleverly turns my head and pulls the rug out from under me because he always uses true statements or experiences and twists them just ever so slightly, drawing my attention to the accurate technicalities and away from my Lord.

Godly Christians are not my Lord,  nor are admired friends, influential acquaintances, opinionated neighbors or much loved family.  I can only serve the pleasures of One master.  I can only rest in the security of One.  Just like the Pharisees, I love the praises of men more than the praise of God.  I already have the praise of God through the completed work of Jesus on my behalf, but I still want the approval of men.  My need for the approval of others enslaves me to them, so that I am no longer loving them freely but using them to meet my need.

On the contrary, we speak as those approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel. We are not trying to please people but God, who tests our hearts. 1 Thes. 2:4

When Jesus alone is my Lord, the threatening or judgmental words of someone else vying for the position just don't hold the same power over my inner well being.  When Jesus alone is my Lord, even the highest praises of men seem unsatisfying in addition to the riches of His grace and the perfection of His love.  Since the Lord Jesus has already been judged in my place, all further judgments offered by self-serving lords are irrelevant.  Why then do I so quickly lay prostrate before the judgments, praises or gazes of other lords?

Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him.  Truly he is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.  Psalm 62:1-2
 
The truth is, I am often shaken.  But the better truth is that when I am shaken, my only true Lord draws my attention back to Himself and away from the counterfeit lords in whom I sought rest, shelter and protection. 
 
For to us a child is born, to us a son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders. And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Is. 9:6

Restoration

Though you have made me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up. Psalm 71:19-21


Oh how real and honest and raw and hopeful God's word always is! God is the author and perfector of our faith, which includes making us see troubles, many and bitter, as very essential elements in the restoration process. Today Walter commented on the reality (or quoted somebody?) that we who identify with a crucified savior are bound to feel the splinters of the cross. From the promise made in the Garden, that the Redeemer would be bruised and that new birth would be accompanied by great pain, the hope of restoration was never contradicted by the presence of heart ache, troubles or seeming loss. The crushing of the head of the serpent, and the eventual and exhaustive victory of righteousness and beauty over toxic self-absorption and decay, is certain.

I have not had the much needed benefit of writing regularly in recent weeks because we have been totally consumed with the restoration of what will soon be our new home. The bank calls the neighborhood "highly distressed", but we have found it warm, welcoming and beautiful. The current reality is somewhere between the two, a little like those of us "in Christ". I find my own current reality somewhere between the two! I've only once included pictures in my writing, mostly because I'm lazy and not very technologically advanced. But I want to show you the outside.

We have worked tirelessly on the inside of this house for a few weeks now. First we filled and then removed about five large black bags of trash from inside the house. Then we began removing baseboards, moldy cabinets, carpet saturated with dog urine and who knows what else as well as some pretty awesome light fixtures circa 1984. The house appears to have been treated roughly and attended to sloppily, (with a great affection for nails rather than screws which leave gaping holes when removed!) At the same time, we've been cleaning and painting and sheet-rocking and reflooring. Terrell and I stayed until 1am Saturday night and woke up feeling swollen, sore and absolutely worn out. Do you know how the front of the house looks at this moment? Well, it looks about the same (not including a very dramatic power washing by my dad last weekend.) But, the point is, the change is hard, it is slow and it is not visible from the outside. But it is happening!

"This is what the LORD says: 'You say about this place, "It is a desolate waste, without men or animals." Yet in the towns of Judah and the streets of Jerusalem that are deserted, inhabited by neither men nor animals, there will be heard once more the sounds of joy and gladness, the voices of bride and bridegroom, and the voices of those who bring thank offerings to the house of the LORD, saying, "Give thanks to the LORD Almighty, for the LORD is good; his love endures forever." For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were before,' says the LORD. Jer. 33:10-11

The captivity of God's people was as much about their restoration as their seasons of feasting and celebration. The story of Israel, which is the story of the Redeemer, is the story of my redemption even as I watch it unfold in this little house.

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you and make you strong, firm and steadfast. 1 Peter 5:10

His restoration of me did not begin because He noticed something beautiful in me, but His beauty in me will become visible through the process of His restoration. His suffering and obedience on my behalf, followed by His transformative work in my heart, applies His righteousness while at the same time removing my moldy parts. This process of sanctification is not validated or even obviously evidenced by external snapshots, but it is happening!

He takes the deserted and makes it flourish. He takes the rejected and calls them chosen. He takes the forgotten and declares His remembrance. He takes the orphan and calls her His child. He takes the ugly and despised and makes it beautiful and cherished. The house is contributing nothing to this restoration process, but is receiving the benefits of our hard work and slowly displaying it over time. May I too find rest, peace, solid hope and great joy in the confidence that He who began a great work in me is the One who will be faithful to bring it to completion.  And may I begin to look past the outer facade of those around me, and peer through their windows, to see the restoration as it is indeed happening by His work inside them as well.

But the LORD said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” 1 Sam. 16:7