Calling

In the past couple of days, the issue of "calling" has come up in several conversations.  As Christians, we use the word to speak authoratatively about the job we are doing or the places we are going.  When things don't go well, we question if it was really calling after all.  The underlying assumption, whether our internal monologue phrases it this way or not, is "God has a wonderful plan for your life and wants you to be successful and influential."  We may add, "for His Kindgom" to ensure the spiritual perspective and that we aren't really meaning a health and wealth Gospel, but that is really what it is anyway, isn't it?

I think Biblically this notion, at least in my heart and mind, stemmed from an out-of-the-Gospel context reading of Jeremiah 29:11.  "I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord; plans to prosper you and not to harm, plans to give you a hope and a future."  As a good American, guess which word I zoomed in on?  Ding ding ding!  "Prosper"!  And clearly, by prosper God means to bless me externally and by not harming, well, isn't it obvious what that must mean?  No pain, suffering, injury or offense, right?  So if ever these things do happen, well, clearly it is not the Lord's will.  (But then, I must ask, whose will is it that can overpower and thwart the will of the Lord?)

Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer, and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering, he will see his offspring and prolong his days, and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.  After the suffering of his soul, he will see the light of life and be satisfied; by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many, and he will bear their iniquities.  Is. 53:10-11

In just about every instance that I can find in Scripture, "calling" has more to do with God's identifying His people with Himself than serving those same people's individualistic fancies.  He has called us by name, we are His, He tells us.  Jesus' calling was to suffer so that His people could have life and thrive.  His people have been called into this very service of suffering to experience this very same, powerful prospering of the Lord's will - His life-giving, world-enlargening, genuine joy and peace producing will.

Paul Miller wrote about our tendency to stare at the windshield rather than just seeing through it.  I think I do this with suffering in all its forms.  I forget that rather than being the focus or end in some way, the person and work of Jesus has made suffering the window through which to see His goodness more clearly, His power more fully, His love more intimately, His control more confidently and His heart more accurately.  This is my hope and my future rather than some tiny, dull, clausterphobic kingdom of me.

For we do not preach ourselves, but Jesus Christ as Lord, and ourselves as your servants for Jesus' sake. For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. 2 Corinthians 4:5-12

Harm may in fact come to my bank account, to my reputation, to my physical body and so on.  But these surface wounds will not be able to thwart the kingdom of Jesus which is alive and growing and overpowering the kingdom of me in my own heart.  So then "to be called" no longer has at its end the thriving of my personal kingdom (family, business, finances, ministry, etc.) but is "to be called" into the heart of the only One whose Kingdom is an everlasting kingdom and whose rule and reign (and glory and beauty and love and goodness) has no end.
        
To him who loves us and has freed us from our sins by his blood, and has made us to be a kingdom and priests to serve his God and Father—to him be glory and power for ever and ever! Amen. Revelation 1:6

Fear Not

A while back, I wrote about "when bad things happen" after a friend had been held at gunpoint in her own home. Bad things do happen, and they happen to God's children and those who do not believe in Him alike. Yet, the most repeated command in Scripture is not to fear and it is always coupled with "because I am with you."


Last night I had a gruesome and blood chilling message left on my phone describing promised violence to me and to my children. I have no reason to suspect it was actually personal, but nonetheless, hearing that creepy voice in my ear through my personal phone effectively paralyzed me with fear. My theology on the matter did not match what was happening in my heart. I suddenly felt vulnerable and helpless and terrified. I asked God to please apply the person and work of Jesus to my heart...and He did.

The first thing that came to mind was Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego who must have felt shortness of breath as they walked to that fire pit into which they were to be thrown, in the same way that Jesus Himself was sweating blood on the way to the cross. But their words were not, "If you love us God, you will not let this happen!" nor were they "If you exist and are powerful, put this fire out!" Instead, what they said was, "Our God will save us, and even if He does not, we will not bow (to any other god)."

Fear itself is the most powerful other god to which my heart is inclined to bow. I was on the floor bowing to it without a second thought last night. My first instinct wasn't to trust God's goodness, love and bigger story of redemption, but instead to quote The Fantastic Mr. Fox and ask, "What the cuss?" (Hee hee, it at least provided a wonderful comic relief.) My heart felt abandoned by God in that moment, disregarded and left to fight for itself. Yet the only one of God's children ever to experience genuine separation from Him was His own son, Jesus, who endured it so that we will never have to know that coldness.

When I am afraid, I will trust in you. In God, whose word I praise, in God I trust; I will not be afraid.
What can mortal man do to me? Psalm 56: 3-4

Well, quite honestly, mortal man can do a lot. Wicked men put Jesus on the tree and wicked brothers sold Joseph into slavery where he endured years of tormenting work, loneliness, imprisonment and misunderstanding. There are countless stories in the Bible of rape, murder and violent assault that are more than I'd ever be able to watch in a movie, and yet they are part of God's story of redemption. They demonstrate that wickedness isn't a light matter and godlessness isn't an equally viable life choice. It is because it is real and powerful and the natural inclination of my heart to submit to the rule and reign of terror and wickedness that Jesus was promised in Genesis 3 and had to come to complete what Adam had failed to do. And it was to end this rule and reign once and for all that He died, rose and was seated in authority over the whole world. It is His bigger plan for all of history and His proven heart for His people that invites me to trust in Him even in the face of lions, whale bellies and stonings.

"I tell you, my friends, do not be afraid of those who kill the body and after that can do no more. But I will show you whom you should fear: Fear him who, after the killing of the body, has power to throw you into hell. Yes, I tell you, fear him. Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. Luke 12:4-6

Do I trust that God is not writing a story with gratuitous violence, senseless suffering or unforeseen catastrophe? Is His sovereignty limited to my self-protective abilities or is He in control even when I am not? Oh that my heart would be committed not to a faith that rests on a trouble and trauma free life, but to a faith placed in the One who has redeemed me, who has called me by name and reminds me that I am not my own, but sings sweetly to my heart, "You are mine!"

Jesus replied, "The hour has come for the Son of Man to be glorified. I tell you the truth, unless a kernel of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains only a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds. The man who loves his life will lose it, while the man who hates his life in this world will keep it for eternal life. John 12:23-25

Success

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the measure of faith God has given you. Romans 12:1-3

But the plans of the LORD stand firm forever, the purposes of his heart through all generations. Psalm 33:11

A bigger house, a cooler car, a wider rotation of outfits, a larger collection of degrees and diplomas, expanding franchises and participation in more organizations...the bigger the better, the more the merrier, the larger the more lucrative.  I have been so conditioned to believe, even if I don't consciously agree, that size matters.  It is the pattern of our world, right?  For a long time, it meant having a consistently large number of people in my circle of friends, and being able to identify our defined relationships, which kept that circle secure.  But then Terrell and I started feeling the mile wide, inch deep dilemma.  You just can't have meaningful relationships with people you only see on a 3-6 month rotation at best.  And, I just can't have deep, committed relationships with hundreds of people.

But this pattern of the world makes sense because numbers are tangible and measurable.  If I have 100 people reading my blog every day, for example, that means it must be more worthwhile than if I just have one person reading it each day, right?  If I fill my house with ten more kids, that would better validate my motherhood than just the two I already have, right?

For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.  Matthew 6:21

My treasure has been in the numbers so that my goal and the measure of my success is in the numbers.  My heart then begins to work for the numbers rather than the person and work of Jesus.  This means I begin to trust the testimony of the numbers more than the testimony of Jesus.  I begin to trust the evidence of the numbers more than have faith in the things hoped for (His Kingdom coming) while evidence is left unseen.  I become anxious over low numbers and comforted by high numbers, assuming that the numbers and not the depth of heart change is the measure of success.  I want to hurry His Kingdom's coming, and I feel like I can accomplish this if it isn't about hearts but about numbers.

We are not trying to commend ourselves to you again, but are giving you an opportunity to take pride in us, so that you can answer those who take pride in what is seen rather than in what is in the heart. 2 Corinth. 5:12

I take such pride in what is seen rather than what is happening in my heart, or my children's hearts, or the hearts of those God has put into my care as a minister of the Gospel.  I am so focused on the outer appearance, on the "wow factor", that I practically forget about the heart which is God's focus.  I guess it is because of all that conditioning I referenced - I want to be able to define my life's impact, my ministry's value, my measurable and attainable goals.  And yet, I am slowly coming to find, the Holy Spirit's work is far more ambiguous than that...and far more powerful.  Elizabeth Turnage said it this way:  "Of course there is the indescribable reality that the Holy Spirit will move in ways we cannot describe on paper!"

So what am I beginng to realize defines success?  I would say heart change.  And what can I do to bring about heart change?  Well, that would be the work of the Holy Spirit, but He graciously involves me as I get to move deeper into the hearts of a few people at a time.  Mostly, I get to get down and dirty with the hearts of my family who I see and live life with all the time.  After that, my neighbors and friends who live life with me daily.  Beyond that, I can't really hope to get messy in the hearts of others or have others get messy in my heart at an occasional gathering or in a highly structured format because it happens more organically than that.

Ultimate success, then, is the Kingdom of Jesus coming into the hearts of His people and transforming them into His image.  This doesn't happen in an hour, in three months time or in ten years time.  But it will happen because He has said so.  My faith needs to grow in letting Him do the work, at His pace, in His way.  He is not worried about numbers but committed to hearts.  Oh that I may begin to be too!

Again he said, "What shall we say the kingdom of God is like, or what parable shall we use to describe it? It is like a mustard seed, which is the smallest seed you plant in the ground. Yet when planted, it grows and becomes the largest of all garden plants, with such big branches that the birds of the air can perch in its shade."  Mark 4:30-32

Jesus Wept

The fatigue that has begun to characterize me is quite clearly a result of all my conflicting emotions these days.  I am relieved to have our home under contract and at the same time I am so very sad to leave it and my beloved neighbors, who include my son's best friend since birth.  I am excited to move one step closer to Grove Park and at the same time overwhelmed by all that has to be done in terms of packing, building plans and loans, permits, packing, appraisals, did I mention packing?  I am delighted that the U.S. Embassy in Uganda has begun to process visas again, but forlorn by the length of our process and the total unknown in terms of timing and referral process, etc.  This journey is both exhilarating and excruciating, bringing at one moment the compulsion to dance and another the trigger to sob and sob.

What is with all this drama?  I know it will all work out in the end, that it is all good and that God is handling each detail whether I can explain it or not.  If I know all this and believe all this, why the emotional roller coaster and feeling of depletion because of it?

When Mary reached the place where Jesus was and saw him, she fell at his feet and said, "Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died." When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come along with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in spirit and troubled. "Where have you laid him?" he asked. "Come and see, Lord," they replied. Jesus wept. Then the Jews said, "See how he loved him!" But some of them said, "Could not he who opened the eyes of the blind man have kept this man from dying?"  John 11: 32-37

Jesus wept.  We love that verse because it is the shortest verse in the Bible.  But there is so much more going on here.  Mary was mad that Jesus had let Lazarus die.  The onlookers were suspicious of Jesus' validity based on the fact He didn't prevent Lazarus' death.  Jesus himself knew Lazarus was about to be resurrected, He knew how the movie was going to end...so why did He cry?

Could it be, that like everything else in the Bible, preventing hard experiences is not God's priority while changing hearts is?  Could it be that just because the end of the story ties up neatly, the tangled parts beforehand actually hurt and are toilsome?  When I have the flu, I have the expectation that I will be better and back to normal in the near future, yet in the moment of my fever's rage, I moan with pain and discomfort.  The fact that things are going to be fine doesn't sanitize or in any way eliminate the fact that they are not fine now.

Jesus doesn't just know our humanity and smile patronizingly down upon us because of our limitations.  He created the complexity of our humanity and then entered right into it.  The Gnostics called emotions lesser, yet Jesus, who lived on earth without sin, as both fully God and fully man, wept.  Our grieving, our moaning, our tangled up emotions are not evidence of a lack of faith but rather the very avenue God takes us down to transform our hearts into ones that look a lot more like Jesus.

So why do I hate that so much?  Maybe because emotions show me and anyone else who may be watching that I am not omniscient (my emotions may seem to be short sighted) nor omnipotent (my emotions indicate a loss of control and power).  I don't consciously want to be omniscient and omnipotent (my own God replacement), but I do want to be "above" being affected by life.  How grateful am I, however, that Jesus did not stay "above being affected by life"?  He jumped right into the muddy, mucky, slippery, stinky human experience to restore dignity and glory to His creation, to humanity and to the fullness of who He made me to be - intellect, emotions and will.

I want to skip past the crying, the grieving, the anxiousness, the fearfulness.  I want to repaint the circumstances so I can smile peacefully because "everything's fine"!  But thankfully, God is committed to taking me deeper than that, to show me how and why He is making everything new by first letting me feel deeply the brokenness and need for restoration.  He could weep because His emotions weren't simply utilitarian but were just as much a part of being the truth, the way and the life.  The truth is that the death of John the Baptist, the death of Lazarus and the market created in the Temple were indications of how broken the image of God in man and the creation itself are, and why redemption is not a luxury but a necessity.  Because Jesus has a heart, loves deeply, and cares unreasonably, He could do no other than to weep over Adam and his progeny...and then begin the process of resurrection.
 
When he heard this, Jesus said, "This sickness will not end in death. No, it is for God's glory so that God's Son may be glorified through it."  John 11:4

Can't Fake Sanctification, Don't Have To

Back in my elementary school piano playing days, I wasn't a great student.  I wanted to play like Beethoven without actually practicing.  In a recital, when I would inevitably mess up, I would announce "oops!" (to let everyone know I fully recognized the error and was no more satisfied with it than their own ears) and then start at the very beginning so as to do it perfectly the next time...which rarely happened.  I knew how it was supposed to sound, and that seemed enough to get me there.

I write a lot about the work of the Spirit in us, that it is God's deal from first to last, that He will complete the good work He has begun and what Good News this all is.  But there is a rub as well.  The rub is that we can't speed up the process, that our knowledge doesn't equate with genuine, complete heart change and that no matter how hard we try, we can't make ourselves more like Jesus simply by sheer will.  Simply seeing my "mess ups" and unbelief isn't enough.  Self-determination and perfectionism won't transform my heart which actually infiltrates every word, attitude and action.

Wait for the LORD; be strong and take heart and wait for the LORD.  Psalm 27:14

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits, and in his word I put my hope.  My soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen wait for the morning, more than watchmen wait for the morning.
O Israel, put your hope in the LORD, for with the LORD is unfailing love
and with him is full redemption.  He himself will redeem Israel from all their sins.  Psalm 130:5-8

It is God who is working in me to will and to act according to His good purposes.  This means that even in my unbelief, He is more interested in the transformation of that to authentic belief and not my outer appearance or feeling of faithfulness.  He is more comfortable with the idea of process than I am.  He is comfortable with time and the exposure of sin and weakness because that is where His righteousness and power does it's deep, lasting work.  Only because I want to be my own redeemer and finish the job yesterday am I frustrated by God's timing and efforts being slower than my hurry. 

But the person and work of Jesus, the certainty that He will complete effectively and thoroughly the full redemption of every aspect of my being, gives rest even now as my circumstances are bringing an ulcer on, because it means I can't fake my sanctification and He isn't asking me to do so.  Where I am not trusting, He will bring trust.  Where I am not seeing, He will bring sight.  Where I am not believing, He will bring faith.  The ulcer like the piano mess up just reminds me I'm not there yet, and the person and work of Jesus assures me that one day I will be.

Here is a portion of a prayer, written by Oscar Romero, from my friend Jen Lalley's blog that I liked:

"It helps, now and then, to step back and take a long view.
The kingdom is not only beyond our efforts,
it is even beyond our vision.
We accomplish in our lifetime only a tiny fraction
of the magnificent enterprise that is God’s work.
Nothing we do is complete, which is a way of saying
that the kingdom always lies beyond us.
No statement says all that could be said.
No prayer fully expresses our faith.
No confession brings perfection.
No pastoral visit brings wholeness.
No program accomplishes the church’s mission.
No set of goals and objectives includes everything.


We are workers, not master builders;
ministers, not messiahs."


Because God is faithful to His promise to restore us to an even better image than Adam was originally, I don't need to be discouraged by my own inabilities, inadequacies, disappointing realities or circumstantial conundrums.  He is about longer lasting transformation and perfection than just what is seen or felt in the moment, and He will accomplish it.

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.  Deut. 31:8

Signal Strength

Around the 5th grade, I was diagnosed with ADD. I don’t think the “h” part was included back then, but hyperactive I was. (Yoda?) Anyway, what that meant then, and what it means now, is that every stimulus comes into my brain at the same volume. In a classroom it meant a conversation taking place just outside the door, children playing on the playground, the teacher speaking to the class in front of me, the pictures on the wall and the thoughts in my head were all competing for my attention with equal success, or failure. Grown-up Jane is little different.

There is a lot of noise around me this very day. The mundane but still necessary responsibilities of house work, the more energizing relationships that need attention, the long range “projects” (moving, adopting, book publishing…to name them specifically) that must be moved forward even if just barely, children can’t be ignored, schedules have to be kept and suddenly that waiting room I was trapped in for years feels like a tornado hit it…and my heart.

Those disciples in the boat weren’t stupid, they were fully human. They were headed out on the water with one thing in mind and something unexpected happened. Not only were their expectations tossed to the wind, their bodies were physically tossed by it…and the waves. They could barely keep their bodies connected to the boat, least to say their thoughts and understanding connected to the person and work of Jesus. Just like the Israelites wandering in the desert, in need of Moses’ explanation of the big picture into which their current moment fit, the disciples needed to be reoriented, just as I do today.

No detail of our life’s story’s script “just happens”. Each detail has the person and work of Jesus in mind, even if simply to show me why it is that I need Him. But better than just my need, Jesus reveals Himself as the satisfaction of my need. In the case of the stormy sea, and in the case of my current stresses, He reveals Himself as the rest I am longing for, even in the chaos.

So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Is. 41:10


When all of the unknowns of life, (will our home actually close on May 12th?, will we get the construction loan we need to renovate the next one?, where will we live in the meantime…as in three weeks from now?, will our home study be completed in time to get a referral to even hold our child before my sister’s wedding in December?, what if I’m in Africa and miss her wedding?...to name a few) take on a louder volume in my heart than the One Who is Known, I am filled with fear (even under the name “anxiety”, it’s the same thing).

He is asking me to believe Him more than my fears. He is asking me to trust Him more than my own understanding, knowledge of certain answers I’d like to have or any other structure I want to depend upon rather than Him. Will He give me everything I want, rescue me from the things I fear, and make me victorious? Better than that, He will give me Himself even in the fire, flood, stormy boat ride and circumstances of daily life, and His person and work will be victorious in restoring His image in me. As my friend Anne recommended this very morning, “Ask Him to help you see beyond the visible into (and until you see) the invisible…and the face of the One who loves you dearly.”

But now, this is what the LORD says— he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel:
"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. Is. 43:1

Weary and in Wonder

This is what the LORD says: "Let not the wise man boast of his wisdom or the strong man boast of his strength or the rich man boast of his riches,  but let him who boasts boast about this: that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD, who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight," declares the LORD.  Jer. 9:23-24

When people travel longer than five hours to get from one location to another, travel weariness is understood.  Though most of the trip is spent sitting, it is somehow still exhausting.  Perhaps it has to do with the mental and psychological stresses, but whatever the reason, it is not uncommon to feel physically weary at the end of a long trip.  My journey over the past couple of years, though no more newsworthy than a long car trip, has currently brought me to this place of travel weariness.

A couple of years ago, a video circulated on the internet of a father carrying his paraplegic son through an entire triathalon (maybe it was an ironman?).  The son was secured on the bike, pulled in a raft and I think pushed in a racing wheel chair.  Though the son wasn't having to really do any of the labor involved in the race, it had to be taxing on him anyway.  Perhaps a little saltwater in the eyes or up the nose, sunburn, windburn, a gnat in the eye or down the throat, and the pushing and pulling and bumping over each type of terrain would leave most people worn out.  The applause at the finish line would be received with a full heart but also a very tired body.

I'm coming to understand this as a picture of the race I am in as God's child.  He is doing all the work, He is carrying me, He is making sure I get from start to finish and am not left on the side of the road or floating out to sea.  And at the finish line, the applause belongs to Him and the victory of accomplishment is His alone to claim, yet He invites me to enjoy it fully with Him. 

All of the work being accomplished by Him doesn't mean I am doing nothing.  I am moving along with Him, bumping along roads and through choppy waters with Him, getting sunburned at times, dyhydrated in moments, in need of a rest along the way and certainly at the end.  But the "with Him", like the boy strapped to his dad in the video, doesn't mean He is in any way dependent upon my help in His efforts, but that I am utterly dependent upon Him.

I get to enjoy the applause, relish the crossing of the finish line, feel the love of the Father and the admiration of the fans.  But with quiet satisfaction, I feel right and good about the clear reality that He has won the prize and is generously sharing it with me so I can feel what He feels and be with Him in it.  I share in His sufferings, even if only mildly, that I may share in His reward.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing!" Gal. 2:20-21

I set aside the grace of God when I assume I am the one staying on the bike, staying in the boat or staying in the wheel chair.  I set aside the grace of God when I come to believe I am helping Him to win the race, or slowing down the race or that the applause belongs to me and my efforts and perseverence.  Do I not matter?  Of course I matter, why else would Jesus go through the agony of lugging my dead weight body, so to speak?  As Jack Miller was recently quoted, "Your ability to enjoy the Father's love for you is in direct proportion to your willingness to admit what a mess you are." The more I begin to recognize my helpless estate, the more I am able to stand in wonder of His work rather than my own.

No Longer an Orphan

As he says in Hosea: "I will call them 'my people' who are not my people; and I will call her 'my loved one' who is not my loved one," and, "It will happen that in the very place where it was said to them, 'You are not my people,' they will be called 'sons of the living God.' "  Romans 9:25-26

But when the time had fully come, God sent his Son, born of a woman, born under law, to redeem those under law, that we might receive the full rights of sons.  Because you are sons, God sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, the Spirit who calls out, "Abba, Father."  Gal. 4:4-6

Attention on orphans is all the rage these days, and sadly in the news more and more for tragic reasons.  Widows and orphans are the ones continually cited in Scripture as a high priority in the church's care.  Orphans, because they are primarily children, are vulnerable and helpless in many ways. However, as orphans grow out of infancy, they learn to survive on their own.  The learn how to protect themselves, in many cases, from the ill intent of those who would seek to harm or use them.  Sometimes it is simply by blocking out the cruel realities of those who are in fact abusing them.  They learn how to protect themselves from the disappointments and heartbreaks of being alone and not belonging to anyone as a cherished child.  Self-reliance is a requirement if an orphan is to have any hope of survival or success.

As we go through the adoption process, we are continually learning about Redactive Attachment Disorder.  Institutionalized children often have issues with attachment because they have never experienced it.  As infants, the cry of a biological child is usually immediately met by his or her parent with milk, a clean diaper, or simply snuggling arms.  A baby in an orphanage among tens of other babies cannot be attended to at every cry, so sometimes they quit crying because they have learned it will not always bring about a response.  As the physical and emotional needs go unmet by those around them, they learn to keep these needs to themselves or deny them and often simply withdraw altogether.

The worst case scenario, the one the various materials seem to most want us to understand, is that this child can become permanently detached from other human beings in a dangerous way.  ("unfeeling psychopath" was definitely used in one of my readings)  This is unquestionably a hazard even for me as a believer who must learn to attach to the Father when the rest of life has encouraged self-reliance and withdrawal.

I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you.  John 14:18

"I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." 2 Cor. 6:18
I am no longer an orphan, but His dearly loved child.  I no longer belong to myself, to look after myself, to grab for what's mine if I have any hope of getting it.  I no longer am my best advocate, my only hope or my only chance.  I am no longer an orphan.
 
Yet, I continually live like one.  It is my assumption, in the course of a day, that God has left me alone to figure out some puzzle, to learn some lesson, to prove my allegiance to Him.  What kind of sick parenting would that be?  "I signed the paper, now its up to you to become my child!" 
 
When I am discouraged, or confused, or disappointed, my first assumption is that with the right perspective, the right answer, the right effort I will be able to pull myself out of the hole and be back into the light.  What happened to my Father when I fell in the hole?  Did He disappear?  Does He stay put in His lazy boy watching for me to get with the program?  Does He only come running in emergencies?

For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children.  Romans. 8:15-16 

He has not left me to myself, to my own resources, to rely on even the gifts He has given me but is present, always, asking me to learn to rely on Him and leave my orphan mentality in the past.  He asks me to trust Him.  He asks me to rely on Him to do what needs to be done, and trust Him that it will be accomplished if in His economy it in fact needs to be.  He asks me to attach my heart to His, my strength to His, my living and doing and breathing to His.

Yet you brought me out of the womb; you made me trust in you even at my mother's breast. Psalm 22:9

Even my trusting of God is credited to God Himself!  He made me, He draws me out of my naval gazing orphaned inclinations, He is the One who moves in me to will and to act according to His good purposes.  Why do I keep thinking He has left me to do it myself?  Why do I keep thinking Fatherhood ended at adoption with the exception of occasional rebukes and rescues?  Fatherhood means helping with homework, getting the heavy toy down off the too-tall-to-reach shelf, sitting on the bed reading stories, lying down sometimes to help me fall asleep, making breakfast, driving me to school...Why as God's child do I keep thinking He has left me to become His child without His intimate Fatherhood making me so? 

I am no longer an orphan, any hour of the day, in any task before me, in any relationship, through any bad attitude or lack of understanding...I have not been left alone as an orphan in any scenario.  When will my heart finally believe this, enjoy this and rest in this?  Thank you Jesus that you have made it so and are making it so.  And even in my unbelief, you will complete the good work that you have begun.

Are You the One, or Should We Expect Another?

"Is this as good as it gets?"  More than just a question for those prone to depression or chronically dissatisfied with life, it is a question that anyone with a pulse must ask at one time or another.  While it can be a totally self-absorbed demand of the entitled, it can also be the deep yearning of our hearts, aware that there is supposed to be something more than we have realized yet.  I think it is why prom was never as magical as anticipated and why the Christmas season often holds such promise but usually leaves us wanting...and not just for more stuff, but for far more wonder.

The older we get, the more cynical we are inclined to become and the less impossible we allow our imaginings and longings to be.  Magic gives way to the mundane, romance gives way to routine and playfulness to pragmatism.  Responsibility weighs us down, disappointments cut too deeply and the only available sources of refreshment or relief don't often do much more than refined sugar does to answer the need for more energy.  I think this must have been close to the place John was when he asked his most important question to Jesus.

When John heard in prison what Christ was doing, he sent his disciples to ask him, "Are you the one who was to come, or should we expect someone else?"Matthew 11:2-3

This is the guy who baptized the Son of God, called Him the lamb of God who takes away the sins of the world, and who said he was not even worthy to untie Jesus' sandals.  Now he asks if Jesus is really the One or if another should be looked for instead.  What happened?

We who believe in Jesus as the Son of God, the One who takes away our sins, the One who is God which means we are not, at one point or another have to ask the same question.  At some point, in my aloneness, in my exhaustion, in my disappointment (with myself, with others, with circumstances, with...), like John in prison, I have to wonder if He is the One or if I should be looking for another.  The answer changes everything, starting with the context for the question.

The context is deeper than the weariness of the moment or the disillusionment.  The real question, at some point, includes:
 "Are you the Lover of my soul, or should I keep searching in the people around me, or the people on stage, or for someone out there?"
"Are you the rescuer of my being, from the suffering I inflict on others and the suffering the world inflicts on me, or should I look for rescue through another source (escape, numbing, accomplishment, pleasure, position, etc.)?"
"Are you the One I should have left all and followed, or did I get it wrong?"

John couldn't ask this question until he recognized how uncomfortably parched his own heart was.  Though he had encountered Jesus, his certainty was proven weak in his own vulnerability and sense of depletion.  Even he didn't totally recognize the fullness of the person and work of Jesus.  The Love is deeper, the rescue more thorough and the call to follow more promising than merely circumstantial, political, physical, emotional or mental. 

At that very time Jesus cured many who had diseases, sicknesses and evil spirits, and gave sight to many who were blind. So he replied to the messengers, "Go back and report to John what you have seen and heard: The blind receive sight, the lame walk, those who have leprosy are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised, and the good news is preached to the poor. Blessed is the man who does not fall away on account of me."  Luke 7:21-23

The second Adam is reversing every effect of the Fall, exchanging every blessing of life promised in the first covenant for the curses of its violation.  The goal of this exchange is not so that one political party gets to be in office, or so that my poison ivy is cured, that my memory is restored or that my work is more productive.  Again he asked, "What shall I compare the kingdom of God to? It is like yeast that a woman took and mixed into a large amount of flour until it worked all through the dough."  Luke 13:20-21  He is making all things new and whole and immensely satisfying.  He began immediately, is doing it now and will complete it soon and very soon.

Is this as good as it gets?  No, thank Jesus, not all!  May my empty tank make my heart pound harder for the Living Water, not a food-dyed sugar drink.  May my memories of magical anticipation, and the thirst for increased wonder, compel me to cry out, "Are you the One!?!" and then begin to birth that intense longing for His presence now, even in the "not yet" of total fulfillment.  How does He come to me now?  Oh would that become the question which overpowers all the others.

And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever— the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live.  John 14:16-19

An Invitation to Reflect

Yesterday, sweet Chad found himself in time out for a few minutes during dinner.  It had been a really fun, highly active day following a really fun, highly active weekend and a bit of short circuiting was beginning to take place.  It wasn't the worst of our moments, those flashes in time when a child's behavior helps you see how easy it would be to become "that mom on the news."  Thankfully, at least for this time, it was the somewhat milder issue of attitude showing up in a bit of beligerance and sassiness.  (Not to be confused, however, with the awesome kind of being "sassy" nor our beloved "Sassy.")

After giving him a few minutes to chill out, I asked him if he knew why he was there.  "Because I was bad."  Hmmm, no, not exactly.  I kept trying it from different angles, with equally poor results.  Finally, I just had to explain it to him.  His ability to reflect, to look at what he has said or done as an overflow of what he is feeling and to see what he is feeling as an indication of what is happing in his heart is obviously not developed at the age of four.  The problem is, many of us haven't developed this ability at 34 or 44 or 74.

After Adam and Eve had disobeyed, God asked, "Where are you?"  I think, honestly, I had read this like He was some clueless old man who'd gone to the kitchen to get hot chocolate for his grandkids and returned to an empty room.  "Hey guys I've got the drinks!  Guys?  Guys?  Hey guys, come on, where are you?"  Do we really think God is not very good at Hide 'n' Seek?  He isn't collecting information that He didn't have before, He is drawing His children out from hiding and into Himself, helping them to reflect, acknowledge and see what they haven't yet.

"Who is this who obscures my counsel with words witout knowledge?"  "Why are you downcast o my soul?"   "Why are you crying?"   "Who is this?  Even the wind and waves obey him!"  "Who do you say that I am?"  In each case, the questions were looking past the circumstance to the heart.  In almost every case, the reflection requires the "Who do you think you are?" asked to Job and "Who do you say that I am?" about Jesus.  The reflection will always show where my heart is off in my belief and assumptions about both.

Ellie periodically has to take these bench mark tests at school that she really doesn't enjoy.  We have been trying to help her see that how she does on them is not so much the point.  They are there to help her see what she has learned and what she still has to learn.  If she knew everything, she would have no need to be in school.  The tests, like a blood iron test, are diagnostic.  These are the questions a good Father asks His children, whether walking on the beach or sitting in time out.  He already knows the answers, but He wants them to see more of what is true about their own hearts and then more of what is actually true about His.  Unbelief is always exposed.  Relief and renewed life is always provided in it's place.

Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

He invites me to reflect, to see my offensive ways and anxious thoughts, to slowly have them replaced by His heart, His ways and His own self.

Gospel Friendship

I've been aware, lately, of my tendency to view people a little too much through the eyes of Law.  Having been on the other side of those kinds of lenses, I know what a helpless and crushing place it is to stand.  Whatever the laws of the moment: Biblical, moral, social, cultural or simply personal preferences, they become the standard of measurement and the dominant filter for my interpretation of, and interaction with, the person in front of me. 

On the other hand, there are people who only speak praises and view select individuals through eyes of mercy in every single scenario.  This is surely my tendency with people I don't know as well, because any negativity could threaten the future of the relationship.  Or, it is what I do with people I want someone else to like as much as I do...any potential negative others may see I have to repaint to convince them that the person I like is only admirable in every way.

For a trivial and safe example, this is the paradigm through which we view politicians.  If we like them, they can do no wrong, no matter what those opposition leaders may say.  If we don't like them, even things that may on the surface seem ok, we know really are part of a devious scheme to undermine and destroy the country as we know it.  From strangers to family members, we swing from one extreme to the other, from only judgment to only praise, with no categories available in our thinking for both to be true. This is because apart from the Gospel, the two are incompatible.

But now a righteousness from God, apart from law, has been made known, to which the Law and the Prophets testify. This righteousness from God comes through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. Romans 3:21-26

It is this lense of the Gospel that makes friendship with those who really have begun to see the power of it the only kind of genuine, trustworthy friendship.  These are friendships that can see my sin (the truth of the Law's verdict against me) but also see the redemptive work of the person and work of Jesus in me.  The people who only see my condemnation, aren't seeing the grace that God has extended to me and by which He is in fact changing me.  The people who only see my strengths are no more trustworthy because the praises, rather than being through the riches of what Jesus is doing and has done on my behalf, are too dependent upon not seeing the weakness by which His strength is made perfect.  The friend who can help me see my heart's idols because she simultaneously helps me to see that His grace and kindness illuminate and cover it, she is the treasured friend.

But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far away have been brought near through the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace, who has made the two one and has destroyed the barrier, the dividing wall of hostility, by abolishing in his flesh the law with its commandments and regulations. His purpose was to create in himself one new man out of the two, thus making peace, and in this one body to reconcile both of them to God through the cross, by which he put to death their hostility. Ephesians 2:13-16

 He is just and the one who justifies, may I not simply be satisfied with one or the other as I engage in relationships with strangers, friends and family. Oh may I begin not just to honestly acknowledge the broken places of others, but to see through the just accusation to the hope and relief of the person and work of Jesus on their behalf.  None are more in need of His grace and none less in need of His mercy.  Help me to love as He has first loved me, with honesty and extravagance.
 
Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. Eph. 4:3

Flesh and Spirit

Recently, I overheard a friend describing his conflict with another friend as simply a result of his own "being too much in the flesh" and it made me start thinking. For so long, again handed down from the Gnostics, I understood flesh and Spirit to be at odds, incompatible, and mutually exclusive. The flesh, my humanity, is presumed to be bad, bad, bad. And the Spirit, all that is of God and the Heavenly realms, is more real, more true, more God. (Neo-Platonism and the great chain of being.) It is this thinking that so influences my notion of "doing" Christianity without Jesus.

My assumption is that today I will try to "walk in the Spirit" as opposed to yesterday when I was just so "in the flesh." What I think I mean in that sense is that my humanity is always in opposition to my spirituality, my Spirit man needing to be chosen out over the Fleshy man. This sounds right and good, after all, didn't Paul speak in similar terms? But the problem is that what I am really believing (as opposed to what Paul was saying) is 1) that God's work can be effectively opposed, 2) that He only deals in certain realms and that 3) redemption is something ethereal and not related to my "flesh" or really any aspect of the tangible creation.

#1 is more deeply held by the majority of Christians than we realize, and certainly lurks in the background of my own fears and anxieties. But for today, #2 and #3 are most on my mind. The first problem with this notion of Flesh bad vs. Spirit good is that we (humanity) were made in God's image in flesh, flesh which God called "very good." My nude body, and bloody, boney insides, aren't the corrupting influence. It is my heart, spiritually speaking, that houses sin and from which all corruption flows.

The second problem with this Christian world view is that Jesus came in flesh, flesh that was not corrupted by sin through which to redeem all facets of the creation. Redemption isn't just ethereal, or for the mind, or for the future. It is total, just as corruption was total. It means that escaping my body or my circumstances isn't my hope for purity and total renewal, but within this very body God is making "all things new." Sin made the first man Adam and all who followed "perishable". The second Adam clothes the perishable with the imperishable, the sin-corrupted body with the righteous image of God body. (1 Corinth. 15)

So what is the Good News that I need to hear in all this academic sounding writing? It is that I don't have to keep ping ponging from failure to new attempts at success, assuming my failure was a wandering off onto the wrong team (Flesh) and if I keep better focus, I can stay on the right team (Spirit) a little longer tomorrow. Thanks be to God in Jesus who rescues me from this body of death, by which I increasingly feel my need for His regenerating work and through which I will experience it!

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether by life or by death. For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Phil. 1:19-21

The person and work of Jesus frees me from having to be a split personality as He is redeeming all of me. Out of the overflow of my heart, my mouth speaks and my body acts. When I speak and act in ways contrary to His character, I simply reveal more of the redemption needed to be worked out in me. They don't contradict His presence and work; they prove my ongoing need for it!

He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— Colossians 1:15-22

There are not parallel universes, one within God's domain and another outside of it. Everything was made by Him and for Him. This is why my "fleshy" days are not outside of His redemptive work, a miss-step or in any other way distinct from the Spirit-filled life. The Spirit-filled life just gets to see sin more clearly and more often, not because it has in fact increased but because I just didn't recognize it before. That sight of my "flesh", then, is a gift from the Spirit and a necessary part of His work, as it points me to Jesus and His reconciliation efforts rather than my own.

You, however, are controlled not by the sinful nature but by the Spirit, if the Spirit of God lives in you. And if anyone does not have the Spirit of Christ, he does not belong to Christ. But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness. And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit, who lives in you.

Therefore, brothers, we have an obligation—but it is not to the sinful nature, to live according to it. For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live, because those who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God's children. Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory. Romans 8:9-17