For I Know

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jer. 29:11

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  Rom. 8:28

My friend Caroline and I were talking last night about our tendency as Christians to need to sanitize and neatly wrap up messy, painful, disappointing, and heart wrenching circumstances with our own explanations and understanding of God's very good purposes for those particular events.  We have this basic knowledge that God is good all the time and that He is in control of all things, therefore, this current suffering I am experiencing must be "good" and here, let me give a whack at explaining just how it is so.

Unfortunately, as a result, some fairly hurtful and off the wall things can be said to the one who is already hurting and feeling disoriented.  We mean well, but at the end of the day, it seems more about our need to justify God before one another than about our deep trust that even when we don't know the plans He has, He does.  "I know the plans I have for you..."  That is His promise and that should be enough.  But, as any normal kid who demands to have the "WHY?" explained, I need for Him to move my faith to a place that I trust Him and believe in His goodness and actively cherishing love even if it is never clear this side of Jesus' return what the very good purpose for this or that actually is.

As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth. His disciples asked him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?" "Neither this man nor his parents sinned," said Jesus, "but this happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." John 9:1-3

See, for me, I want to find out whose sin caused this calamity because blaming is really important.  Then, had I been in the family of the blind man, I might have demanded to know exactly how God's work was being displayed, couldn't it have been displayed without all the trouble of blindness and is there a clear marketing press release that will make God's glroifying purpose evident to every single person who has observed this suffering or who might ask about it?

The soldiers also came up and mocked him. They offered him wine vinegar and said, "If you are the king of the Jews, save yourself."  Luke 23:36-37

It was not remotely apparent to any onlookers that God was faithful, good, present, powerful, loving, in exclusive control of the moment or any number of characteristics that He has revealed about Himself in all of Scripture.  Yet, "I Am" continued to be His name and His reality.  Even Jesus, who knew the purpose and how God's glory would be progressively revealed through this excruciating suffering, felt the darkness deeply and with incomparable agony.  Yet, an explanation of God's reasoning and plans was not what the hearts of the onlookers really needed nor was God in need of justification before His people.  For reasons I won't understand until I meet Him in person, God does not have the same urgent need to clear up misperceptions and misunderstandings that I do.  Maybe it is like when I took my newborn babies to get their first shots and their infant screams and big eyes looking at me made me actually start to cry.  But an explanation would not have helped them at that age.  What they needed was to know that I was with them, that I loved them, and that I had ok'd these painful pokes they were experiencing so they could trust it.

"If we are thrown into the blazing furnace, the God we serve is able to save us from it, and he will rescue us from your hand, O king. But even if he does not, we want you to know, O king, that we will not serve your gods or worship the image of gold you have set up."  Daniel 3:17-18
Jesus suffered so that I could live and I am invited to share in His sufferings, ultimately to participate in fuller life than I have known or settled for before.  I am so thankful that His purposes and goodness and love and exclusive control are not dependent upon my (or my friends') understanding or being able to package Him in a marketable fashion.
 

How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?  How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me?  Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;  my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. 

 

But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. 

I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.

Psalm 13

Darkness is as Light

I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. John 15:5

Therefore, my dear friends, as you have always obeyed—not only in my presence, but now much more in my absence—continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling, for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to his good purpose. Phil. 2:12-13

To this end I labor, struggling with all his energy, which so powerfully works in me. Col. 1:29

Now that my children are both in school five days a week, I feel a bit lost in this new phase of mothering.  I feel like a part time mom and I really want to be a full time mom, even though it makes me feel crazy and tired so much of the time.  The desire to keep my children near me and to be the primary voice and shaping influence in their world is strong.  Yet, I know the goal of parenting is to equip them to leave home and flourish independently.  As I thought about this over the weekend, it occured to me that this is exactly the opposite of God's parenting of me...or should I say, re-parenting?

As a non-believer or immature believer, I am convinced of my own autonomy, independence and self-sufficiency.  The more I come to know God the Father through the person and work of Jesus, the more I realize that growing in faith is growing in my genuine belief that I am utterly dependent upon Him and fundamentally incapable of sustaining myself or developing emotionally, physically, intellectually or obviously spiritually apart from Him.  The weaning, then, is the opposite of a breastfeeding child.  The weaning of my life in the Gospel is from my own perceived self-reliance to a life of reliance upon Him alone for all things and in all things.

In real life in real time, I am never consciously saying, "I will trust in myself rather than God."  Sin is much more subtle and powerfully deceptive than that.  Instead, my self-reliant and autonomy driven heart much more simply turns to other sources for my needs than to God.  It may be some habit of escape into comfort (food, alcohol, television, web surfing) or it may be to people who I expect should satisfy my longings for being known, cared for, protected or rescued.  In either case, I have ceased placing my trust and dependence upon God as my comforter, provider, protector, encourager and source of significance and instead offered these positions to lesser "gods" of my own making.

A scenario that keeps presenting itself is that of extreme darkness encountered in such seasons as trauma, depression, divorce, job loss, chronic illness or the death of a loved one.  There is a tangible sense in these moments of life that there is a dark bottomless hole that I or my loved ones are in danger of falling in and never getting out, and that we together must avoid that unknown yet certain quicksand with all our might.  The looming assumption is that if I or she or he does fall in, tragedy and regret of some form is certain.

O LORD, you have searched me and you know me.  You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar.  You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways.  Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD.  You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me.  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me, too lofty for me to attain.  Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?  If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.  If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea, even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. If I say, "Surely the darkness will hide me and the light become night around me," even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you.  Psalm 139:1-12

What dark places can my thoughts, emotions or even physical body find that God is not already present or where He is not hemming me in behind and before?  What darkness can I or a friend encounter that is not as light as day to my loving heavenly Father?  Why do I expend so much of my own energy, in any form, avoiding these dark places for myself or loved ones at all costs when they are often the place I and they can see Jesus most clearly?  What am I so afraid of in those places and what has persuaded me that God will be defeated by them?

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them. Is. 42:16

My tendency in times of disorientation is to grab for the familiar, the comfortable, or to run to people and activity rather than to find my safety and rest in Him.  This is simply because I still do not really believe what He has told me is true about His uninterrupted presence with me, especially when I cannot see and do not understand.  My faith that I have not been left alone to survive by my own "inner strength" or understanding brings about that Gospel amnesia and convinces me that the ship is going down unless I do something now.
 
Oh that I would trust Him to be present with me and would I trust Him to be present with my loved ones, as He has promised He is and always will be.  And might I entrust myself and those I cherish deeply to His care and redemptive work rather than just simply wanting to fix the moment with comfort.  Do I trust Him?  Perhaps then, slowly, I can see as Job was able only as a result of suffering, and know how fundamentally dependent I am upon the Lover of my soul.
 
I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?' Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.  "You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.'  My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you. Job 42:2-5

Joy for the Accused

Splendor and majesty are before him; strength and joy in his dwelling place.  1 Chronicles 16:27

Nehemiah said, "Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared. This day is sacred to our Lord. Do not grieve, for the joy of the LORD is your strength." Neh. 8:10

The two biggest arenas in which God is growing my family's faith, showing Himself to us in more dynamic ways, exposing our unbelief and false beliefs, and meeting our needs with the person and work of Jesus rather than our usual replacements are this move to a less traditional neighborhood (less traditional for white people, I should say, while generationally very traditional for our new black neighbors) and the adoption of our third child from Uganda.  God's grace has been on the move in our hearts through these processes and is continuing to move us forward in these circumstances, even if excruciatingly slowly for our taste.

His grace is on the move in our hearts through these "classrooms"...His Spirit is developing more patience in my heart that clearly wasn't there naturally before, more gentleness in my interactions with my children and Terrell than the snippy, micro-managing tendencies that are more natural for me, more peace about not being all things to all people, more love for people that wouldn't be most comfortable on a long trip across the country and He is showing me more of Who He is, how trustworthy He is, how specifically He really does orchestrate all of our circumstances and how intimately involved He is in the process of making all things new even now.

Not that we lord it over your faith, but we work with you for your joy, because it is by faith you stand firm.  2 Cor. 1:24

If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.  John 15:10-12


Knowing that God's grace is on the move in my heart and that God's grace is on the move in my community, that it is on the move not just as a goal in itself but to make all things new and to develop His image in all of His creation, my response should be worship and celebration.  Walking with Him through my apartment or the streets of Kampala can be coupled with joy simply because I am with Him and He is with me and therefore I have nothing to fear.  The heaviness and lack of joy is indicating to me that my faith is not so firm.
 
Instead of dancing through each phase of the adoption or toward our new home with joy, I find myself dragging legs of concrete with an increasingly downcast expression.  My lack of joy has something to do with the fact that I don't fully believe He is with me and so I begin to fear.  These doubts come from within, but they have also been unfortunately encouraged from well-intentioned friends.  It's not that questions like "Is it safe?" or "Do you think you might be forcing your own will when God is trying to tell you no?" are out of bounds.  It is right to examine our decisions and ask God to search our hearts.  But, what I'm realizing is that these kinds of questions, usually asked by people who haven't been walking intimately with us through this, have an accusatory undertone.  The questions from my own heart and from the mouths of others, accuse me of acting alone apart from God, assume that it is possible for me to act alone apart from God, assume that God would leave me alone for trying to act alone apart from Him and that my welfare and that of my family's rests not on God's provision and commitment to us but on our getting it right.  Condemnation lurks just around the corner for us if we get it wrong.
 
No!  That equation and all those accusations totally exclude Jesus!  They totally overestimate the power of my will as being greater than God's and they totally underestimate His mercy, authority and goodness in ALL things.  We cheer as we read in the Chronicles of Narnia Mr. Beaver's pronouncement that of course Aslan isn't safe, but he is good.  In Narnia, Aslan's goodness totally overrides the fact that he is not safe because it is His presence in the midst of the battle, his sovereignty even over the White Witch and his will for the restoration of Narnia that are trustworthy and true.  The questions in and to my heart accuse in a way that God's voice and His Good News do not.
 
He is the image of the invisible God, the firstborn over all creation. For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. For God was pleased to have all his fullness dwell in him, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether things on earth or things in heaven, by making peace through his blood, shed on the cross. Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation— Col. 1:15-22

He has promised never to leave nor forsake us, that if I make my bed in the depths or settle on the far side of the sea, even there His hand will guide me, that nobody can open a door He shuts nor shut a door that He opens, that nothing not anything can separate me from His love which is firmly grounded in the life, suffering, death and resurrection of Jesus and not my own perfect choices or understanding.  Oh I pray that He will cut off the cement blocks of accusation and unbelief from my legs so that I may dance with joy down the road He is taking us.

I will praise the LORD, who counsels me; even at night my heart instructs me.  I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.  Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices; my body also will rest secure,  because you will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay.  You have made known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand. Psalm 16:7-11

Need to Pray

The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life. Yet there are some of you who do not believe." John 6:63-64

If my heart could be compared to a screen door, the strong pull of the spring back to the shut position seems always to be to settle for the ideology of Christian theology rather than a present tense need and love for Jesus.  What I mean is that my heart seems far more readily inclined to live "for" Jesus than to simply live with Him.  It is a subtle process, really, and not something I deliberately set out to do.

Somewhere in the caverns of the mission control center of my heart, the daily briefing gets consumed with problems "out there", drawing attention away from the problems within.  The argument is not that we should all spend a little more time focusing on ourselves and a little less time worrying about the concerns of others.  Rather, the misstep as Paul Tripp identifies it is that "Whenever you believe that the evil outside you is greater than the evil inside you, a heartfelt pursuit of Christ will be replaced by a zealous fighting of the 'evil' around you...reducing the gospel to participation in Christian causes" rather than celebrating and living out of our participation in the life, suffering, death and resurrection of Jesus.

Here is how I know this has happened:  I am spending more time chitter chattering about situations than praying desperately for God's intervention, I am fixated on changes I would like to see happen in others more than changes I would like for God to make in me, and my hope for change in others or in situations or in myself becomes my strategic plan rather than God's Spirit at work in the hearts and minds of His people, including my own.  I don't pray because I don't see my real need for what only God can do.

So he said to me, "This is the word of the LORD to Zerubbabel: 'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. Zech. 4:6

I love that these verses aren't challenging me to show off God's power to the world outside of myself in new and inventive ways, but are inviting me to see my own heart's need to have that power effect change within.  As I increasingly trust Him to redeem me, I can increasingly trust Him to redeem the world around me.  Oh would I chitter chatter and jitter less and believe Him, seek Him and love Him more!

My Worried Unbelief

You grumbled in your tents and said, "The LORD hates us; so he brought us out of Egypt to deliver us into the hands of the Amorites to destroy us.  Where can we go? Our brothers have made us lose heart. They say, 'The people are stronger and taller than we are; the cities are large, with walls up to the sky. We even saw the Anakites there.' " Then I said to you, "Do not be terrified; do not be afraid of them. The LORD your God, who is going before you, will fight for you, as he did for you in Egypt, before your very eyes, and in the desert. There you saw how the LORD your God carried you, as a father carries his son, all the way you went until you reached this place." In spite of this, you did not trust in the LORD your God, who went ahead of you on your journey, in fire by night and in a cloud by day, to search out places for you to camp and to show you the way you should go. Deut. 1:27-33
The first step in recovery is acknowledging you have a problem...from healing a sinus infection to a drug addiction to a broken marriage. I am beginning to acknowledge the fact that I worry. The problem with worry isn't just that "we're not supposed to do it" but the problem with worry is that it consumes thought, energy and focus that ought to be directed to loving and serving my children, husband, family, friends and neighbors. I can't be present with them when I am pre-occupied with concern for things that aren't right in front of me. At the heart of my worry and lovelessness is a lack of faith.
Whenever you are arrested and brought to trial, do not worry beforehand about what to say. Just say whatever is given you at the time, for it is not you speaking, but the Holy Spirit. Mark 13:11
Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? Luke 12:25-26
I have greater faith in my self-reliant (which disguises itself in “responsibility” and “preparedness”) than in the completed work of Jesus on my behalf. How much time do I waste scripting out a conversation that I might have with someone in the future? I do this so as not to be caught off guard as if any actual dialogue with another person would ever follow my exact train of thought from start to finish and not be immediately off script the minute the other person genuinely entered into the thought process. I'm trying to control ahead of time what has never been in my control.

And why do I spend so much time worrying about what I will say or how I will pay for future bills or creating a script for an upcoming activity I'd like to see happen? It is because deep down, I really am trying to add hours to my life by avoiding anything potentially stressful, any moment of delay due to not having thought through the answers to questions that might be asked or the dreaded punishment of not having done my homework before that next class starts. But it wasn't Joseph's foresight that saved Israel from famine, it was God's plan even before Joseph was sent to Egypt. Or take an opposite example: Jonah. He knew clearly what God was asking him to do and deliberately ran the other way. God's plan was not thwarted, Jonah wasn't discarded as unusable because of his disobedience, the Ninevites heard the Gospel and God was glorified.
God's plans and my tomorrows are not resting on my clear mindedness, my foresight, my responsible budgeting, my perfect obedience or advanced wisdom and understanding. God's plans and my tomorrows are resting fully on Him, on the person and work of Jesus which also attained my record of perfect obedience and in whom alone are found the riches of wisdom and understanding.
I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. Gal. 2:20
There is no qualifier to those verses, such as "except when you are too tired to pray, at which time He is not living in you" or "except when you are lazy and don't plan ahead, in which case, Christ is no longer living in you." Nothing can separate me from His love or His commitment to His redemptive plan. Do I not trust Him to order my steps? Do I not trust His care and commitment to complete the good work that He alone began? Do I not believe what He said, that He works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose? Did His will not include rescue of the Israelites from Egypt, despite their blindness to His bigger purposes, despite their grumbling and complaining, despite their hearts which readily accepted new idols to worship? Did His will include Jonah's running away, Joseph's brothers' wicked treatment of him, Judas' betrayal, the snake's activity in the Garden? Did His will include Peter's well-intentioned but totally misdirected act of cutting off the soldier's ear in defense of Jesus? Did it include his own disciples’ total lack of understanding Who Jesus really was, even as they mourned His death and were left confused? Of course it did...and all these things were and are working together for God's good purposes of redemption in all of His creation. None of those are "off script" in God's beautiful story. None of those represent a momentary lapse in God's control or goodness, perfections or strength, authority or love.

My need to have tomorrow all lined up today reveals how little I trust that God has tomorrow all lined up already. All of the blessings and curses of the covenant were met in the person of Jesus, by His life, death and resurrection, into and by which I have been hidden, covered, clothed and identified. My status as His dependent and cared for child does not ebb and flow based on my faithfulness each hour, but remains steady because of Jesus' faithfulness on earth as it is in heaven.
Since we have now been justified by his blood, how much more shall we be saved from God's wrath through him! For if, when we were God's enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Not only is this so, but we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation. Romans 5:9-11


All this I have spoken while still with you. But the Counselor, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, will teach you all things and will remind you of everything I have said to you. Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:25-27

A Beautiful Surprise

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed. If you are insulted because of the name of Christ, you are blessed, for the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you. If you suffer, it should not be as a murderer or thief or any other kind of criminal, or even as a meddler. However, if you suffer as a Christian, do not be ashamed, but praise God that you bear that name. For it is time for judgment to begin with the family of God; and if it begins with us, what will the outcome be for those who do not obey the gospel of God? And, "If it is hard for the righteous to be saved, what will become of the ungodly and the sinner?"  So then, those who suffer according to God's will should commit themselves to their faithful Creator and continue to do good.  1 Peter 4:12-19

This morning at the Y, a friend who is part of the regular crowd that works out there before the sun rises, was asking about our move.  I gave him the latest update, which in short is that the bank is acting like a manipulative parent, offering double or triple the loan money we are asking for if we would just choose a different neighborhood to call home rather the one into which we are going.  For that neighborhood, one that has caused the banks extensive grief, they will only very reluctantly give us about one to two thirds of what we need.  This friend at the Y responded by asking, "Does it make you wonder if you just shouldn't go there?"

His question is the obvious one, not just in our move but also in our adoption process or in many of my friends' unrelated scenarios where a course of action is met with cynicism, antagonism and push back.  But the problem with the question is it's starting place:  if something is hard, or includes suffering or trouble, it must not be right.  Or, put differently, if it is the right decision it will be free of any form of pain, suffering, struggle or disappointment.  Scotty referenced this notion in his prayer yesterday:  "If I bought the right car, it would never break down…If I bought the right house, the roof would never leak… If I married the right person, we would never disagree… If I went to the right college I’d get the right job and life would be all-right... If I sent my kids to the right school they would never act out and would probably end up on the mission field. Through a better understanding of the gospel, you’ve rescued me from these self-centered self-serving pragmatic notions. Thank you!"

Like Peter's audience, I too am surprised by suffering, struggle, hardship and being told "no".  I have this expectation that God's will must include nothing but green lights and bonus checks.  But whose story in all of Scripture communicates this?  Not Adam and Eve's, not Noah's, not Abraham's, not Jacob's, not Joseph's, not Moses', not the Israelites, not the prophets, not Paul's, and most clearly, not the life of Jesus.  The cup of suffering was not taken from Him but like all the stories which pointed to His, was the very cup of salvation for the rest of God's people.  They each suffered so that others could live, ultimately pointing to the suffering of Jesus so that we could eternally be restored to unity and fullness of life with Him.

Looking at his disciples, he said: "Blessed are you who are poor, for yours is the kingdom of God. Blessed are you who hunger now, for you will be satisfied. Blessed are you who weep now, for you will laugh. Luke 6:20-21

Yesterday, both my Dad and my friend Anne separately pointed out that this most recent obstacle thrown in our path was not only preparing us for life in our new neighborhood, but was better helping us to identify with our new neighbors.  They cannot just call the bank and be given money for their desires.  They cannot just transform their homes with a call here and favor there.  They have more experience being told "no" than I have ever known.  The poor are blessed not because it is a new form of righteousness apart from the person and work of Jesus, but because they know it is not by their cleverness, hard work or network that they have a hope and a future. 

I, however, forget that there are no spiritually middle or upper class Christians, as Tim Keller says.  I forget that I am the poor in the economy of His Kingdom apart from the righteousness of Christ alone and have not earned or networked any of my blessings which are through His righteous, perfect obedience alone.  My most natural tendency is to choose to move into this neighborhood on my own terms, bringing life as I've always known it to make the unknown more manageable.  Thankfully, that is not how Jesus moved into the neighborhood of His fallen people.  His number one goal was not to make the mess less messy, the pain more manageable, nor the trials less trying.  He came to serve rather than to be served, to do the will of the Father above all other lesser yet very tempting and often easier wills.  The discouragement, antagonism and push back that I feel to a degree is nothing compared to the mess and expense and push back of Jesus’ commitment to move into my own heart and bring life to that otherwise scary place.  Not only do our very light and momentary trials unite us to our neighbors, but they unite us to Jesus.  What a beautiful surprise!

If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love,

 if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion,

then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love,

being one in spirit and purpose.

Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit,

but in humility consider others better than yourselves.

Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Your attitude should be the same as that of Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God,

did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing,

taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death

— even death on a cross!

Therefore God exalted him to the highest place and gave him the name that is above every name, that at the name of Jesus

every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,

and every tongue confess

that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.  Phil. 2

Loving the Hostile

I was looking for a cd when the light turned green this morning and the man behind me was infuriated.  He held his horn down long enough to let me know what he thought about my delay, and as I glanced in my rear view mirror, he was pumping his fist in the air to clarify his emotions toward me.  Then, I looked ahead to see that the car in front of me, which you might think was miles ahead by this reaction, was just crossing the intersection.  Had I gone right when the light changed, we would have gained a few feet, but any more would have had me in the trunk of the first car.

Why do I share this?  It is not because I am a blameless driver.  Actually, I am more often than not quite deserving of rolled eyes and agitation.  But that particular exchange illustrated a theme I have been confronted with lately - how do I live out of and full of the grace, mercy and love extended to me through Jesus in the face of those who extend little to no grace, mercy or love?  The short answer is...I have no idea.  But it seems to be the Gospel course into which God is inviting me to see more of the way He loves me.

You have heard that it was said, 'Love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you...Matt. 5:43-44

Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Romans 5:7-8

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. 1 John 4:7-12

Once again, the person and work of Jesus has to first remind me who I am apart from Him.  Like Adam and Eve, my heart naturally is at enmity with God and He reclaims me as His own rather than as belonging to His enemy.  It was in this state of self-promotion, of denial, blame and hiding that He pursued them to first communicate the promise of this Gospel in Genesis 3.  How often am I also the fist pumping, horn honking, name calling, dart throwing heart that God sees, condemns on the cross and raises with Jesus?  He finds me similarly positioned as His opponent and declares me His friend, His child and His Beloved because of the completed work of Jesus which has demonstrated His perfect love.  He has called me by name, I am His.

And as I soak in this picture, it is from this glimpse of His unreasonable love for me that I can't help but turn and do likewise for others who are similarly self-centered, bitter, angry, in denial, blaming and hiding.
My natural-self encounters the out of proportion anger of the man in the car behind me and wants to get out of my car and discipline him, or punch him, or just stew on the rage he dumped all over me and left with me as he went on about his hostile day.  How much more so am I spun around by friends or family members who blame their sin on mine, who seek to punish me with verbal hostility or silence, or might unknowingly splash their bitterness all over me as they are passing by!  This is why it is not by might nor by power but by His Spirit alone that I have any chance of loving others who are broken people just like me.

So I say, live by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the sinful nature. For the sinful nature desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the sinful nature. They are in conflict with each other, so that you do not do what you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under law. The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft; hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, dissensions, factions and envy; drunkenness, orgies, and the like. I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God. But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law. Those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions and desires. Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.  Gal. 5:16-25

By natural determination or resolve, I will never be able to move toward someone who is either aggressively throwing fists (and darts!) at me or who is passive aggressively keeping a stiff arm's distance between us.  But He has called me to His reconciling work, to engage in the messy (and often not without cost) kind of love for others with which He continues to move toward me.  I will fail, but He won't.  What a mighty God we serve.

Consumed

Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?  Matt. 6:27

I can picture myself raising my hand slowly on that one.  Apparently, lately, I think I can.  Worry is such a deceptive temptation because it comes so close to feeling like control...if I just obsessively think about something enough, it won't surprise me, throw me off, or turn out so badly after all.  If I spend one more hour wrestling with this looming thing in my mind, one more hour working the jigsaw puzzle that it has become, and one more day not letting it out of my grip it will suddenly become clear, manageable and safe.  Worry seems to be the closest I can get to controlling the stuff that is just simply out of my control in the present moment.

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him. In this way, love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment, because in this world we are like him. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. 1 John 4:16-18

The anecdote that the Gospel gives for my worry, which ultimately is my answer to fear, is God's love.  What?  What does God's love have to do with these very concrete circumstances and potential catastrophes looming on the horizon?  Well, for one, fear has to do with punishment and there is no punishment in addition to what Jesus has already borne on my behalf.  This means that there are no gratuitous catastrophes or heartbreaks but only circumstances designed for my good, life-giving redemption and the redemption of all of God's people and creation.  Because this is all part of His love, I do not need to fear but to trust His love as the driving force even in the suffering that looks like it is my fault or by the whims of others, like with Joseph's brothers or those who put Jesus on the cross.  Even these acts of men's wickedness were intended by God's goodness for the redemption of God's people.

Here is something helpful Scotty said in his prayer today:
"Jesus, liberate me from thinking about the next thing, so I can be present in the current moment and conversation. May people, not projects be my greater concern and joy each day. Help me to make better eye contact and heart connection with those you give me to love. Help me to be less timid around strangers and more intrigued with new people I meet.  Help me to use less words and more listening when engaging others. Turn my hair-trigger reactions into slower, wiser responses. Please unshackle me from the illusion of control and my commitment to a pain-free heart. Loving well always involves risk and pain."

As I was thinking about my consuming worries lately and being reminded that diving into His love is where I need to go, I wondered why the moment I do that the voices of the cynics become so loud and defeating.  And then I realized it is because the voice of the cynic is mine.  It is so loud because it is already "inside the house" like those scary movies in high school.  Oh this is why I need the Gospel today just as much as I needed to hear it for my salvation years ago.  Lord have mercy on me the sinner!  I don't really believe your love is enough but would prefer to trust in my budgeting, my planning, my analysis and my own "wisdom" which is no wisdom at all if it is not directing me to Jesus.  My heart is not beyond the need for mercy and extensive transformation but needs grace to be at work moving me into greater faith in the person and work of Jesus.

Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. 2 Cor. 13:12-13

We know that we have passed from death to life, because we love our brothers. Anyone who does not love remains in death. 1 John 3:14

When I fall into consuming worry I am falling back into death - not eternally of course, but it's toxicity isn't hard to acknowledge.  When I am consumed with worry I have no love or even time for others because my issue has become more important to me than anything or anyone else.  Oh may it not be so.  Thank you Jesus that the answer isn't for me to muster up more external love for others today nor is it to fake a passionate romance with you.  It is not by renewed resolve, perfect repentance or steely determination but by the completed and completing work of Jesus.  You who are greater than my heart are faithful and You will do it. 

Controlling Fear

A few friends with whom I get together every other week ask each other regularly for a "feelings check in".  Understandably, this sounds a little out there, a little emotional and touchy feely.  But, we are learning is that the more aware we become about what we are feeling, the more aware we become about what is happening below the surface in our hearts and minds and ultimately, the more aware we become of what God is doing in our hearts.  So, the point isn't just self-awareness but Gospel awareness.  I claim that He is living and active but am all too content to remain oblivious to His activity.

So, as a result of one of these feelings check-ins last night, I went from thinking I felt numb, to realizing I felt overwhelmed, to acknowledging that I am scared.  Just to simply say it plainly, "I am scared", is sort of startling to my own system.  I don't think of myself as a fearful person and I don't rationally think I am in danger.  But nonetheless, God needed to show me the truth of what is happening in my heart and how He is committed to growing my faith and trust in Him through it.



So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Is. 41:10

Seeing my fear helps me also to see that I have stopped believing that God is with me always.  I subtly come to believe that He is far off, monitoring me from a distance but essentially leaving me alone to survive by own wit and will.  This is not what He affirms anywhere in Scripture, yet has somehow become reliable to my wandering heart.

But even if you should suffer for what is right, you are blessed. "Do not fear what they fear; do not be frightened." 1 Peter 3:14


Do not call conspiracy everything that these people call conspiracy; do not fear what they fear, and do not dread it.  The LORD Almighty is the one you are to regard as holy, he is the one you are to fear, he is the one you are to dread, Is. 8:12-13

So in my fear, I have become mentally preoccupied with solutions, remedies and plans to avoid the things I fear or to attempt to prevent them.  I have forgotten that it is God alone who is my hiding place and very present help in times of trouble.  I have forgotten that He has promised never to leave me nor forsake me.  I have forgotten that He doesn't allow trouble to shame or punish because all the shame and punishment has already been claimed by Jesus in my place.  ALL things working together for good is not just some trite saying of ignorant church goers, even if it does get used that way sometimes, but is the very good news of a very good God who is in control of all things even when I am not.

This is what the Sovereign LORD, the Holy One of Israel, says: "In repentance and rest is your salvation,
in quietness and trust is your strength, but you would have none of it."  Is. 30:15

The person and work of Jesus reminds me that I don't have to be in control of all my circumstances and all of my potential suffering in order to eliminate fear.  He doesn't ask me simply to turn away from my fearful and controlling ways, but He invites me to turn to Him as the lover of my soul and the very shelter of my being.  While my stubborn heart is inclined to "have none of it", I am so grateful that He will quiet my heart, give rest to my soul and strengthen me through repentance and trust.  Hallelujah what a Savior.

I Lift Up My Eyes

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.  By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.  Ps. 42:7-8

Because of the generosity of friends, we were afforded a perfect weekend away up at Lake Burton in north Georgia.  My muscles are still sore from my approximately 5 minutes of skiing...so sad.  My seven year old daughter jumped from the roof of the boat dock into the water 20 feet below, tubed like a maniac once again, we had a campfire with guitar singing and little boys playing harmonica like the best blues musicians in history and ate like we were on a cruise.  Time with friends in a setting like that with space to finish conversations, or at least dive deeper into more topics than usual just nourishes my heart.  And then it must come to an end.

I was overcome with that feeling of depression last night and even this morning as the chores of unpacking, laundry, house cleaning began to dominate the screen along with moving plans, home inspections, meetings with people, adoption fundraising, etc.  It didn't help that we watched an interesting but depressing movie last night, which helped to just plunge me into a kind of emotional hole.

I lift up my eyes to the hills—where does my help come from?  My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.  Ps. 121:1-2

To move my gaze from my naval, from the dirty carpet that needs vacuuming, from the tasks that are roaring like hungry lions coming at me to the physical object of high, large mountains is brilliant.  The mountains are not only bigger than me and in many ways more dominating than my immediate surrounding, they are also so beautiful!  My dad is flying to Colorado now for a week of outdoor adventure with a group of men he doesn't even know that well.  The beauty of that country, of the mountains and the hills and huge sky, doesn't even require words.

As the Psalmist reminds me to lift my gaze, he also reminds me that my help comes from the One who created those huge, imposing, breathtaking mountains...and everything else.  He made all of heaven and all of earth...yes, even that slithering snake.  Who tells the tide this far you may come and no further?  Who feeds the sparrows?  Who draws lines and limits for Satan himself?  My help comes from the One who is in charge of ALL things, who determines set times and places, who knows the number of hairs on my head.  Of whom shall I be afraid?  My security no longer has to rest in never getting scratched or out of breath but that even the scratches and the shortness of breath are part of His redemptive plan.

Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Matt. 6:25

I get down worrying about all that I am supposed to accomplish, all that needs to be done, and all that I just can't do anything about.   I forget that I have not been left alone as an orphan to survive by own wits and will.

Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.  Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.  Is. 46:3-4

Nostalgia

"Nostalgia - a wistful desire to return in thought or in fact to a former time in one's life, to one's home or homeland, or to one's family and friends; a sentimental yearning for the happiness of a former place or time"

I have been feeling very anxious this week, and it was when the YMCA pool increased my feeling of panic that I began to put my finger on it.  The Y pool has such happy associations for me - summer time, relaxed playing with my kids and friends, pool parties thrown by the Y with a DJ that kids love and parents' pretend not to but dance in the water anyway and a place that even as babies my children could enjoy because of the sloping entrance and fountains.  Knowing it will close soon and that we really haven't been much this summer evoked that heightened sense of anxiety this morning.  Ridiculous until I connected the dots...

Our next home will be inspected next week, and barring any major structural issues, we will make it ready to move in as early as December.  But making it ready to move in has been the source of this week's anxiety.  It's not simply about choosing paint colors and counter tops, but about taking a place that smells like death and is filled with trash and other disconcerting items and without really changing any of the structure, making it a home.  I know it can be done, but it is hard to believe on this side of it.  That is when I realized at the heart of my anxiety, I am longing for my concept of "home" - a place like the Y pool, filled with happy memories, secure familiarity and reliable comfort.  And the Gospel has two particular things to tell me about this nostalgia: sometimes memories can be distorted and the good memories are merely tastes of what God promises is coming.

They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?  Didn't we say to you in Egypt, 'Leave us alone; let us serve the Egyptians'? It would have been better for us to serve the Egyptians than to die in the desert!"  Ex. 14:11-13

The funny thing about nostalgia is that it can distort my own personal history.  The Israelites had moaned and groaned and begged and pleaded to be set free from the Egyptians, until they faced the uncertainty of the desert.  The absolute misery of their lives in Egypt was faint in their memories even as they glamorized their existence there in contrast with the new challenges before them.  When I begin to panic about the Y closing, remembering it only as the place of nostalgia, I forget that often the water is too cold, or that my children have gotten bored, or that we had to change table locations once because I was getting so mauled by mosquitoes.  I also neglect to consider that we didn't go as much because we had other pools where we did just as much swimming this summer, and made new memories there.  But the past always feels safer than the unknown ahead.

When Adam and Eve left the Garden, they lost the Shalom of intimacy with God, of harmony with their environment and each other.  But, it had not in fact been perfect shalom because it was able to be broken.  The rest of redemptive history is not trying to get back to that shadow of shalom but is moving toward something better, an unbreakable shalom.  Moses wasn't leading his people from a place compatible with their nostalgia but from captivity into freedom.  He was picturing for all of history the better Moses of whom the first was only a shadow.  Jesus would come not simply to move people from physical captivity to a physical new land, but from sin to righteousness, from broken shalom to perfect shalom.

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, "Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away." He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true." Rev. 21:1-5

The movement in all of redemptive history is of God doing a new thing.  The old was not "wrong", as if a rough draft, but it was not complete.  Each step pointed to the person and work of Jesus, gave a taste of this ultimately perfected creation and all of the relationships within, but was not it yet.  Those tastes gave a hint about where things were headed, the memories served to bolster the weary in the desert even as movement felt slow, and the promise served to remind God's people not to stop yet because greater things, fuller realities are ahead.

Now if the ministry that brought death, which was engraved in letters on stone, came with glory, so that the Israelites could not look steadily at the face of Moses because of its glory, fading though it was, will not the ministry of the Spirit be even more glorious? If the ministry that condemns men is glorious, how much more glorious is the ministry that brings righteousness! For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts! 2 Cor. 3:7-11

I am anxious about this next "home" and the unknown of what it is like to sleep there and spend weekends there and return from trips there, and am challenged by the apparent ugliness, stench and filth of the house as it is today.  But what if even in such a seemingly trivial experience, God shows me more of what His redemptive work looks like, how He takes the dead and makes them live?  What if I begin to experience that the dwelling of God is with men, and not only at one particular address, nor only in the nostalgia of the past?  My positive associations are only associations, but not the events themselves.  To cling to the various settings where my family has laughed or danced or cuddled or played is to miss the point.  The walls, or pool or vacation was not perfect, but the One who is with us always, never leaving nor forsaking us, the provider of all good gifts...He is perfect and invites me to cling to Him alone as He becomes my home.
 
But in keeping with his promise we are looking forward to a new heaven and a new earth, the home of righteousness. 2 Peter 3:13

Such Confidence as This

Most of my Christian life has been on a pendulum of swinging feelings:  I feel close to God right now.  I feel far away from God right now.  I feel passionate about my faith.  I feel like I'm totally ignoring my faith.  I feel myself right in the center of God's will.  I feel shut out, in a sound proof room from God's will.  I feel alive.  I feel numb.

Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life. 2 Cor. 3:4-6

In the times of numb, shut out, distant feelings that sense of separation condemns me.  I must have gotten there by my sin so I must climb back with renewed righteousness.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the likeness of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified. What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written: "For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered."  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.  Romans 8:28-39

in all things:  this includes my proper and poor responses to life, my activity and my passivity, my passionate worship and my numb wanderings, my violence towards others and my injuries from others...All of these things are working together as the exact combination of ingredients my heart needs to believe in the person and work of Jesus as I have not yet.  Not one is outside of His will, as if a parallel universe that He cannot control exists.

If God is for us, who can be against us?: Not even my own stubborn, strong-willed, rebellious heart can out power God, withstand His activity or thwart His will of redemption.  If He is for the completion of the work He began, there is no version of kryptonite to weaken Him or oppose Him.

It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns?:  His justification of me is not based upon my righteousness (in attitude, effort, passion, word or deed) but on the perfect righteousness of Jesus (credited to me in all things).  Does my feeling of apathy or numbness nullify the life, suffering, death and resurrection of Jesus?

through Him who loved us:  I am more than a conqueror not because I got knocked down but got back up again, not because I chose to look on the sunny side when all I saw was clouds, not because I in any way picked myself up with my own spiritual bootstraps...but because the One who loves me conquered death, conquered sin and has conquered me.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  Eph. 3:16-21