This Site Has Moved

Please keep reading at the new location that my wonderful and extremely talented sister created for Compelling Grace.  Most of the posts here have already been moved and I've been writing new ones on that site since last you visited this blog.  Thanks to both of you for reading! (:

Lavish Love

How can I love a little guy so much who just yesterday I wanted to send to 6 year old reform school? I just got all choked up and teary as he was waving continuously to me with his gloved hands, a huge smile from under the brim of his big winter hat, saying over and over in the sweetest tiny boy voice, "Bye mommy!  I love you!  Bye!  Bye!  I love you Mommy!"  His little head barely seeing out of my parents' car window, which he had rolled down to keep in communication with me until they had turned the corner, he headed off to Ellie's soccer game and then to meet Terrell's parents for a spend the night.  He is this collision of juvenile delinquent and perfect, cuddly angel baby.  In one moment I want to envelope him in big hugs and smother him with kisses and never let him go and in another moment I'm ready to send him to obedience school like the place we're sending our dog, "Learn for Life" where they are boarded and trained for two weeks to be changed forever.  Do they have one of those for kids?  And it is so very clear that his story is my story and is the dynamic, messy and beautiful story of God's children in all of history.


My counseling professor, as I may have mentioned before, told me in a clinic day, "There is part of me that wants to hug you and part of me that wants to punch you...there is something about you that is totally engaging and then there is something about you that just totally exhausts me."  Adam, God's image and enemy.  Israel, God's beloved and betrayer.  Jesus, in whom both met and the latter (enemy and betrayer) was put to death so the former (image and beloved) would live forever.


For by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.  Heb. 10:14


I am in Him, identified by the person and work of Jesus, already and forever.  But the sin nature in me is being removed and I am being made to look more like Him and less like my rebellious self gradually, over time.  Being God's beloved means that because of His amazing grace, His tears of a cherishing and adoring love are evoked toward me as mine were this morning towards Chad.  But unlike me, His love doesn't ebb and flow based upon the adorable qualities of the object of His affection.  His love is perfect, protecting, understanding, compassionate and full of mercy and forgiveness when I am that kid in need of a Learn for Life boarding school just as much as in the moments when I seem more snuggly.  He does not withhold His love from His people, no matter how unfaithful, hateful and adulterous they are.  I think it is because He knows that even their faithfulness and love comes from Him and He understands the powerful nature of sin better than we do.


I do not understand what I do.  For what I want to do, I do not do, but what I hate, I do.

And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good.  As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me.  For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing.  Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

  So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law;  but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7: 15-25

I get so mad when Chad does these outlandish things (like growling at a 1 year old friend because he, as a 6 year old boy didn't want her to play with her own toy that he wanted in that moment) because such behavior seems shocking to me and disappointing.  My response then is something like, "What in the world was that!?  You cannot do that!  Do not ever do that again!"  OK mom, done.  But when I growl at my own children, or internally at someone in traffic or on the radio, God answers those very same questions with what is said about me in all of redemptive history: that was sin, you will continue to obey sin first unless I change your heart, and that heart change is a process that will be complete one day but is not yet.  While Jesus declared "It is finished!" about the final outcome of things, God never screams at me, "I'm done!" meaning that He quits.  Unlike the way I respond to my children and often other people in general, His behavior and attitude toward me is never based upon my behavior or attitude toward him.  His cherishing of me is always based on His perfect love and the glorified version of me that will be finalized one day.


What might it look like for me to start loving my little boy, and disciplining him, with a heart that sees him as he one day will finally be?  What would happen to my own heart if I was less startled by his sin and more confident in the righteousness of Jesus at work on his behalf?  What if compassion for the struggle we all share in doing what we do not want to do and not doing the good we wish we would do replaced condemnation?  What would it be like, if in response to this reality, I began to love him in the heat of his worst behavior as ferociously as I felt it this morning when we were saying goodbye?  While I was/am yet a sinner, Jesus lived and died for me.  I love only because He first loved me, when I was His enemy with arms crossed and a hateful scowl covered my face.  He pursues me with the same heartbreaking love that made me want to chase Chad's car down the road and bring him back home.  But God doesn't wait until the mornings I am at my cutest to feel and act this way.  Would He make me one who loves as consistently and lavishly and unreasonably as He does!


See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!  1 John 3:1a 

Trust Him

I'm sure I've seen more than once that scene in a movie where two or more friends are hunkered down, breathing hard in a clearly intense and precarious situation and one asks, "Ok, now what is the second step?" and another answers, "I never thought we'd actually get through the first step so I never made a second step!" That is a good description of my mental state right now. We had these HUGE events on our horizon for so long and now we're on the other side of them, which is great, but here I am not exactly sure where that leaves me.  And, needing to know "step 2" but not having a step 2 makes my heart race and moves the anxious meter up into the red zone these days.




Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven.  Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”  When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”  Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”  Matt. 19:23-26


I am that rich man who just cannot fathom God's ability to do what I continually assume is mine to handle.  It is what Scotty Smith in Nashville has labeled "Gospel amnesia".  My racing heart is a light on the dashboard indicating something isn't working.  For me, the fact that I cant' "figure it out" or "make it work" has me stressed, condemned, fearful, sad and still searching for magical answers to bring peace and solve the riddles all as one who is limited to my own resources and abilities. I have absolutely forgotten that there is no area of life outside of the scope of God's initiation, involvement and intervention.  Instead, I think I got myself here and I need to get myself out.

“I, even I, am he who comforts you.  Who are you that you fear mere mortals, human beings who are but grass, that you forget the LORD your Maker, who stretches out the heavens and who lays the foundations of the earth, that you live in constant terror every day because of the wrath of the oppressor, who is bent on destruction? For where is the wrath of the oppressor?  The cowering prisoners will soon be set free; they will not die in their dungeon, nor will they lack bread.  For I am the LORD your God, who stirs up the sea so that its waves roar— the LORD Almighty is his name.  I have put my words in your mouth and covered you with the shadow of my hand— I who set the heavens in place, who laid the foundations of the earth, and who say to Zion, ‘You are my people.’”  Is. 51:12-16

I am not a homeschooler.  School was my favorite place for all of elementary school but really the center of my life for all the years I was a student and then after that when I was a teacher.  School is where people are funny and teachers are creative and memories are made.  Now, my children are home and I feel like I'm ruining their lives because I'm not all that funny and seem to have lost the limited creativity I ever possessed and oh yeah, the three R's seem to be lost.  I can't do this, never really believed in it to begin with and yet, I might whisper to you in a moment of vulnerability, there is something in me that really romanticized the idea of being that magical mom for my kids.  I wanted to spark their imaginations and remove all the stress from academics.  I wanted to enjoy the freedoms of life outside the confines of the frantic and limited school day.  How did I get here?

That is when the person and work of Jesus reminds me, "I brought you here.  I put you here.  I have you here.  I even I am the Lord of everything, every moment, every aspect of creation and yes, even this, even here and even now."  He is the Lord of the hours I have, giving no more or less than He knows I actually need.  He is the Lord of ideas and will make them flow when that is what His purposes require.  He is the author of laughter and imagination.  He is in control of all things...even the step 2 that I haven't planned and looks like I'm trapped and about to be captured and destroyed by the "bad guys".  It may feel like I'm getting it all wrong, and I may be getting it all wrong...but He is not getting it all wrong.

I know that you can do all things; no purpose of your can be thwarted.  Job 42:2

With Job, I must remember that this moment falls safely in His purposes even if I have no idea what that purpose it.  And, no matter how disappointed I may feel about the seeming failure and limitations of my abilities and resources, His purposes will never fail.  My limitations, my failures, my disappointments are actually safely and purposely part of His good redemptive plans...not just for me but also for my children and even His Kingdom, somehow.

So, for me, as I start another day that looks just like the ones that led me to this place of bewilderment and discouragement, step 2 is to trust Him with whatever transpires.  Trust Him.  "But my gun is out of bullets!" Trust Him.  "But our captors are coming and are bigger and stronger!"  Trust Him.  "But everything seems to be going wrong!"  Trust Him.  "Who are you O Man", God asks us through Job..."were you there when I laid the foundations of the earth or gave the sea its limits or..."  Trust Him.  He's at work so I can rest.

Grace for the Conflict

I just overheard a mom telling her children to shut the "f" up. My first reaction, reasonably, was horror. Then I let Jesus pretty immediately remind me that while my language isn't as colorful, that is pretty much what I have communicated to them this week. I have done it with a stomp on the floor (yes, much like a child less mature than my own) or even once this week, a slam of the door when I gave myself time out. But I am no more honorable than the angry lady I overheard. That finger pointing at her definitely had four pointing back at me.

So what is it about motherhood and anger? Really, it isn't just mothers. Or in traffic when someone cuts in front of another driver, either intentionally or absent mindedly, their angry horn does the yelling. A grocery story check out line is another place to overhears loud, exasperated sighs because the clerk isn't going fast enough. Have you ever been in a location where a school field trip was taking place? There is always some lady yelling at some group of kids as her last hope of regaining control. That must be it. Control. It is more than just wanting what I want when I want it. I want to be wanted also. I think that is at the heart of the anger. When I'm cut off in traffic it is offensive because I feel personally disregarded or even shoved aside. When a clerk or other vendor doesn't appear to be concerned about my time or even my presence, I feel minimized and insignificant. And when my children or husband or neighbor or other family member directly defy my desires, is there any stronger way to say, "You don't matter to me!"

What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. James 4:1-3

So, after I finished my last post about God's love being needed and that He would provide even though I was struggling with frustration and anger, guess what I did? No, I did not get up from the computer, hug my children and join them in a dance of joy and peace. The minute I finished a complaint was issued from the sofa behind me and I lost it. I mean, I am woman hear me roar came into being. "I'M DONE!" I yelled at my two stunned older children, then I dramatically (as mentioned here in the first paragraph) slammed the door and went straight to my bed and hid under the comforter. They soon came and softly said, "I'm sorry Mommy." But of course, I had to offer the bigger apology...which came later in the day because I wasn't ready to be sorry yet. (:

So, before the ability to be truly sorry came, I had to deal with the fact that time in Scripture or a time of listening to beautiful Christian music or a nap or night of sleep did not, in fact, change my heart. No "new attitude" or "new perspective" could accomplish what needed to take place. And in those moments of anger I also felt the heavy weight of condemnation. I have the heart of a monster and the monster seems to be winning. I have ruined my relationship with my children and have modeled for them the absolutely wrong way to handle frustration (yelling and slamming doors in this case, but giving into the heat of anger or desire for control is a dangerous road no matter how it plays out). Condemnation feels very permanent. Conflict, for me, always includes condemnation. No matter who is right, everyone loses in conflict. Conflict divides. Conflict injures. Conflict sucks life out of those involved.

Condemnation is very permanent and devastating. Condemnation is a dead end, end of sentence and end of story. Because of the condemnation inherent in conflict, I like to avoid conflict by denial or self-defense so that I also can avoid condemnation. Interestingly, the person and work of Jesus tells me something I have to face about condemnation, and therefore conflict:

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. Col. 2:13-14

All have sinned and fallen short..."when I was dead" and "the charge of my legal indebtedness which stood against me and condemned me" both speak to that reality. Condemnation can't be avoided or denied or corrected by the condemned. Here is where this is headed to hope and very good news: Because my condemnation is the starting place for redemption, it is no longer the end of the story or the devastating final death blow. This means that while my anger rightfully condemns me, the person and work of Jesus meets me in my sin and moves me through it to reconciliation. That means I don't throw in the towel and give up. It means there is hope that no matter how sick my heart is, total regeneration is coming and I will get to enjoy small tastes of that promise even now.

It also means I have to trust God with that and not my own eyes. It means that this hope isnt' placed in my getting up from computer with blue birds singing on my shoulder (do blue birds actually sing?) and never again letting my frustrations get the best of me. It does mean that there is greater life offered to me through repentance and a strengthening of my relationship with my children, or the store clerk or the neighbor when I ask for forgiveness and we move through the conflict to genuine reconciliation. Love and grace do not mean never having to say I'm sorry. They mean that even if I have to say it again and again and again, there is hope for restoration and that God's hand of redemption is not shocked or disabled but is at work even when I feel powerless. He can pick up the weight of my sin which is crushing me. And unlike the people in traffic or the grocery store or standing with arms crossed looking up at me saying no in my own home, He regards me, He sees my helpless estate and by grace, He cherishes me there.


Does this mean it is fine for Ellie to hit Chad when she is frustrated or for Chad to punch his sister because even that is within God's redemption? Of course not. But it does mean they can get off the tightrope in my eyes of either being juvenille dilenquents who are destined for prison or perfect angels who act like gentle 80 year olds at the ages of 6 and 8. It means there is freedom to get it all wrong, to respond totally inappropriately and to fail miserably without it being a game ending, career ending, hopeless and tragic dead end of condemnation. Grace means that my only hope isn't it getting it all right the first time or 31st time. Grace means I rest in His righteousness, in His perfect love of those I hurt, in His power to reconcile when I am out of strength to do the right thing, and in His promise to make all things new. And sometimes, this process of growing my faith requires that I be shown just how dependent upon it I really am.

‘This is what I covenanted with you when you came out of Egypt. And my Spirit remains among you. Do not fear.’ Haggai 2:5

Strong Weakness

A barking dog, a screaming baby and an argumentative six year old boy.  Baby poop all over pjs and crib linens, a dog grabbing things to eat that are actually are shoes and a demanding 6 year old boy.  A six year old boy who responds to almost every request with a long, moaning, "Noooooooooo", an increasingly mobile baby curious about all the forbidden spots in the house like under the kitchen sink, the dog bowl and the trash and a dog who leaps on people and furniture no matter how many tactics we try to change this.  So, it is Thursday morning and I was pretty wiped out by about 10am on Monday.  It has been the week that won't stop and I'd like to say I've responded like a graceful ballerina, but that would a big fat lie.  Instead, I pretty much am beginning my days angry, impatient and lacking in all humor in response to the day before and anticipation of the one ahead of me.


My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. Therefore, get rid of all moral filth and the evil that is so prevalent and humbly accept the word planted in you, which can save you. James 1:19-21


Yeah, no kidding that anger does not produce righteousness.  That love which never dishonors others, is not self-seeking and is not easily angered is clearly barely present in my words, attitudes and actions.  "Accept the word planted in you, which can save you."  Jesus.


But what does that look like, not just on the first argument of the week about something small, but on the 135th argument of the week over putting on long sleeves or finishing school work?  In those moments, I want to become the Incredible Hulk and roar ferociously as my green bulging anger muscles rip off my sleeves and lower pants, forcing my opponents into wide eyed compliance.  I just want compliance.  I just want the dog to be well behaved (even though we've totally neglected her and never provided consistent training), I want our precious youngest daughter to know and trust that we're taking care of her and that sometimes I can't carry her to the next room RIGHT NOW or sometimes I have to tell her no about such things as ripping bulletin boards off the wall.  Do we have to have all that screaming about it?  And I want my truly very sweet (except that sin at birth reality) son to accept the answer "no" and trust me enough to just do what I've asked without nearly killing us all in a battle each time.  At the very least, couldn't just one of these things happen in a given day rather than all three seeming to happen simultaneously and constantly all day each day like it has been this week?  Maybe then I could handle it.



I lift up my eyes to the mountains— where does my help come from? My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
He will not let your foot slip— he who watches over you will not slumber;  Psalm 121:1-3


The word planted in me, the person and work of Jesus, is my help and my strength. I do not have to look to all of these sources of excruciating stress for my help, as if only in their change is my peace and love toward them all possible.  Instead, I can remember both that 1)I am the screaming baby, disagreeable 6 year old and destructive dog in God's creation and 2)He is slow to anger, abounding in love and begins each day with new mercies not just in general but directed to me in all the ways I must anger Him.


Am I changed now after processing this a bit?  Don't I wish.  Are my nerves still raw and my energy totally depleted as I begin this day?  Absolutely.  So where is the person and work of Jesus in that?


But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Cor. 12:9-10 Do I feel delighted right now to enter into more conflict today? Am I eager to do the jobs that I am supposed to do rather than just sort of avoid them and stay hidden until bedtime? Yet, He has not given me a spirit of timidity but of power...not superpower like the Hulk, but He gives me more faith to trust Him and His presence in the face of these stressful moments that I cannot handle in my own weakness. Somehow, by faith, I will love today because He has first loved me.

Life Through Death

The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deut. 31:8


I'm finding myself staring at the walls of Facebook friends who are still in Uganda, for long periods of time, reading and reading and reading. I'm not sure what I am looking for or why it is the place I gravitate, particularly when it was an experience from which I was desperate to return home. Maybe because it was just so hard and as if I ran sprinting out of there like a refugee fleeing for his life, that I find myself feeling "abruptly" home and missing something.  But I don't know what it is that I am missing or what business still needs to be finished or what it is that happened to me there that makes those Facebook walls feel safe and comforting.  Search me oh God and know my heart...


Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Our God is a God who saves; from the Sovereign LORD comes escape from death.   Psalm 68:19-20


I was stripped of power there, stripped of control, stripped of a voice or at least had the volume turned down so low it could not be understood, and stripped of certainty, answers, strength, autonomy,...and who knows what else.  And over there, apples found in a street supermarket (or fresh strawberries) are like the golden egg found in the backyard on Easter.  American friends spread the word about such finds and meet to share them in one another's company.  A Saturday night gathering of new friends, bonded by the same homesickness, is precious because the evening feels "normal", like something precious from that longed for life at home.  And then it turns out, it was precious in a way that daily life at home will never allow.


Maybe it is the intensity of the time in appointments with officials whose language you don't totally understand, which are preceded by hours and hours of packed yet quiet waiting rooms where you are forced to entertain babies and children who have accompanied you with whatever you find in your backpack or can make use of in that room itself.  Maybe it is the rarity of a dependable hot shower at then end of a long, dirty day.  Maybe it is the lurking possibility that the power will go out at any moment or maybe not until tomorrow night, like an effective thriller, the tension of possible loss is always active just below the surface.  Maybe it is that your own family and personal life is taking on a radical change but doing so in a setting so drastically unfamiliar you aren't sure which requires more energy.


I think it has more to do with the stunning shock to the system similar to that of jumping into cold water when a hot summer day has raised your body's temperature way beyond comfort.  There is something jarring about going from overheated to freezing just as there is something dangerous in moving quickly from starvation to feasting.  I went from survival living conditions to relative luxury just by stepping on an airplane.


It feels like an answer came before the question could be fully formed.  But what is the question?  What was happening in my heart through that grueling experience, that particular suffering, which has been relieved in such a way that it almost mirrors the unexpected experience of the power going out which causes sight of the surroundings to be lost?  What was I shown, or given sight to see, or just on the brink of seeing that pushes my attention back to the place that was so very hard?


But those who suffer he delivers in their suffering; he speaks to them in their affliction. Job 36:15


Ever since Adam and Eve broke their covenant with God, redemption comes through suffering.  God delivers every single one of His children in their suffering.  He speaks to me in my affliction.  


Over and over there, I was shown my weakness in ways I couldn't pretend otherwise.  Over and over there I saw my selfishness, my entitlement, my impatience, my critical attitude, my lack of love, my lack of faith and so on.  And over and over again there I was shown His kindness, His generosity, His patience, His compassion and His love in ways I couldn't miss.  When I am less, He becomes more to me.  Here I am more, and too quickly, He becomes less to me.


And so, it seems, that is why I lurk in front of the walls of comments of others sharing the same experience and linger longer on those pages.  The rawness is fresh there, the weakness and helplessness palpable, and with it, so is the presence of my Father who never leaves me nor forsakes me.


But if Christ is in you, then even though your body is subject to death because of sin, the Spirit gives life because of righteousness.  And if the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead is living in you, he who raised Christ from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies because of his Spirit who lives in you.  Romans 8:10-11

The Good News of His Will Being Done

I remember conversations in high school about God's will that always included, "Well, I sure hope He doesn't call me to singleness!" or "What if God calls me to be a missionary to Uzbekistan?"  (Who am I kidding, we didn't know Uzbekistan back then.)  But the general angst was that as a Christian, we knew we should be willing to do whatever God wants but we also knew if He wanted certain things, there is no way we would want them.  This also meant we might be faced with the big dilemma of whether or not to obey God, which being good Christians we were supposed to, but being honest, no way.


So then, answers came like, "If He wants you to do something, He will make you excited about it!"  (Might want to check with Jonah about that one, or Jesus for that matter..."Father, take this cup from me!")  Another similar easing of the anxiety comes in thoughts as I heard expressed recently about one family's challenging situation - "Well, God knows who to call to some of these things and knows that I could never handle that."  The sentiment basically assuming that the person going through a grueling or even uncomfortable experience is somehow made of different stuff or innately qualified differently to be asked to do something I myself would never want to do.  This gets me off the hook and comfortably removes me from having to consider it.  It also assumes something of Noah, Joseph, Jeremiah, David, Daniel, Peter, Paul and others we study in Scripture that the Bible does not attribute to them - an internal righteousness, strength, courage or selflessness that defies sin at birth and the universal need for redemption.


The LORD looks down from heaven on all mankind to see if there are any who understand, any who seek God.  All have turned away, all have become corrupt;
there is no one who does good, not even one. Psalm 14:2-3


This righteousness is given through faith in Jesus Christ to all who believe. There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus.  Rom. 3:22-24


Yes, God has given each of His children different "gifts" of talents, particular aptitudes or abilities but all are dependent on the Spirit to use these for the benefit of others rather than to build one's own personal kingdom or "American dream".  In every case, it is the person and work of Jesus at work on the hearts of His children which alone is responsible for the transformation and direction of the believer's life.  (This is also a good corrective to the Pharisaical tendency in all of us to judge other believers for not doing what Jesus is doing in us in this particular season of our lives.)


Therefore I want you to know that no one who is speaking by the Spirit of God says, “Jesus be cursed,” and no one can say, “Jesus is Lord,” except by the Holy Spirit.  There are different kinds of gifts, but the same Spirit distributes them. There are different kinds of service, but the same Lord. 1 Cor. 12:3-5

And the moral of the story isn't, "So you either make Jesus your Lord or you don't...and if you call yourself a believer, you better!"  No, He is the Lord and gives faith to my heart to see that.  And because He is Lord, whether I vote Him in or not, He has Lordship over my life and will work out His good purposes whether by whale belly, midnight wrestling and loin wrenching, dreams or dinner in my home when nobody else would dare be seen with me (Zacheus).  

Practically what that means is something like this:  On the one side of His will, I'm most likely to say "no way!" because, most likely, it is going to look more like His Kingdom (which I can only see as in a mirror dimly...in other words barely make out from a seemingly great distance) than preserving and building mine (which is so immediate and seemingly in my reach).  But on the other side of doing His will, there is that "peace which passes understanding".  Perhaps like someone who has to work crazy hard to lose a ton of weight...the process is miserable, not delightful and fun, and there is not necessarily a desire to go through it again.  But on the other side, breathing is deeper and movement is more free.

I sit here in a house in a predominantly black neighborhood where I am periodically asked by long time residents, "So, how do you like living here?"  The question communicates how out of the ordinary it seems to the questioner and, with great curiosity, what do you think about "us"?  I'm always a little surprised when asked because the street feels just like the one I grew up in the middle of Buckhead (an old, more affluent and predominantly white area of Atlanta) and my neighbors here are just as friendly if not more community driven.  I guess we didn't have the nearby gunshots or street walking homeless drug addicts, but even those aspects are swallowed by the sweetness of being here over all.

In this house in this neighborhood, I now also have an African daughter from Uganda who will eventually call me "Mommy" when she can say more than "Na na na na na na" and "Da da da da da da da" for pretty much everything and anything.  And, in this house in this neighborhood with this new baby are two older children who were in very desirable elite private schools and are now homeschooling.

None of these things would have made my "Where I'll be in 25 years" imaginings back in late elementary school/junior high.  But honestly, as I sit here now, most of what would have made that description then has little appeal to me now.

Do I have a greater threshold for "adventure" or risk than other Christians?  I can answer definitively no.  Did He bring me here because He saw something in me, apart from Him, that He admired?  Biblically, that is impossible.  So, did God make me excited about what He likes and want what He wants?  I guess the answer, in retrospect, is yes.  But in His way of doing things, that "agreement of will" came after the obedience in some cases and as a gift of grace to initiate the process in others.  In each case, the process to get "here" included discouragement, loneliness, physical and emotional weariness, fear, obstacles, doubt, insecurity, exhaustion and even physical pain.  Fun. (:  But in each case, God makes it clear that the righteousness, strength, courage and selflessness of the person and work of Jesus will override and transform my sinful, self-serving heart and bring me into His presence in more tangible and visible ways.  Here, I can breathe deeper and move more freely...and that is Good News.

Just as the living Father sent me and I live because of the Father, so the one who feeds on me will live because of me. This is the bread that came down from heaven. Your ancestors ate manna and died, 

but whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.” 

He said this while teaching in the synagogue in Capernaum.

                            On hearing it, many of his disciples said, 

“This is a hard teaching. Who can accept it?”

Aware that his disciples were grumbling about this, Jesus said to them, “Does this offend you? Then what if you see the Son of Man ascend to where he was before! The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you—they are full of the Spirit and life.  Yet there are some of you who do not believe.” 

For Jesus had known from the beginning which of them did not believe and who would betray him. He went on to say, “This is why I told you that no one can come to me unless the Father has enabled them.”

From this time many of his disciples turned back and no longer followed him.

“You do not want to leave too, do you?” Jesus asked the Twelve.

 Simon Peter answered him, “Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life." John 6:57-68

Suffering Then Glory, in all Creation (and parts of the Globe)

Oh to be back at my computer, in my own home, in my familiar country...its always the little things that makes us smile biggest, isn't it?  I've missed writing, missed processing all the huge (and small) things I've experienced in the past month and a half, missed engaging the Gospel in my days, and missed order and familiarity.  I don't know what our new routines will look like, when I will have consistent time here at this screen, how I will ultimately transition from pre-Martha life to Ugandan life and back into a new normal that merges them all.  There are freedoms we enjoy here in the U.S. that are connected to resources and convenience and there are freedoms enjoyed in Uganda connected to simplicity and the priority of survival.


Clothes are worn, by many in Uganda, simply to cover the body's nakedness.  This is why you see one person in  a t-shirt and old sweats standing with another in what looks like a cocktail dress all walking dirt roads with babies and chickens and wildly driven taxi vans.  The contrast isn't depicting wealthy and impoverished because both might be in the same family.  The style has no bearing at all, just like blue and pink clothing in the orphanage aren't reserved for only boys or girls.  They are simply dressed in clothes each day, the frivolity of image or "statement" not remotely brought into consideration.  The result, then, is that as visitors to the country we immediately stopped thinking much about how we looked but were just glad to find clothes to wear each day that smelled a little less nasty than others.  There was a gift to us in the poverty and lack of washing machines or dryers...a freedom to view clothes as covering and not image creators.  However, there is a very welcome gift to us in our own home with a washer and dryer which allow us to not only feel and smell clean, but do so in a matter of hours.  Both gifts come at a price.


Did not the Messiah have to suffer these things and then enter his glory?” Luke 24:26


On this side of the final and total redemption of all things, the order of events is suffering and then glory.  Not as I would once have understood, however, "work hard and then you get your reward" as if it were all a clean and tidy formula.  Suffering isn't just about grit and self-discipline.  Suffering goes bone deep, penetrating the heart not just the will.  And because it is always a heart issue for heart transformation, it looks as varied as the individuals being redeemed.  What breaks me down or makes me weary will look very different from what breaks you down and makes your heart weary.  But both are doing their job in bringing about the righteousness that was only ever lived and worked out by the person of Jesus.  Suffering pries open my clinched fists, forcing me to drop those things I thought I needed.  In their place, my hands are left open and free as I cling to Him or simply find myself at rest. 


Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2-4


On this side of the process of redemption, sin will always be crouching at my door.  If living in the gift of poverty, the simplicity of a life focused on survival will carry with it a discontent and envy of convenience and comfort, choking out the clarity of life's value and enjoyment of the moment.  When living in the gift of greater comfort, a tendency toward pride, selfishness and greed for more will threaten to choke out the gratitude and contentment anticipated from the side of poverty.  For these reasons, returning from a third world experience or taking knowledge of affluent lifestyles to the third world and simply extolling moralisms from one to the other misses the heart and therefore the person and work of Jesus in each setting.


He offers us tastes of the glory to come in the midst of present suffering.  The suffering performing the process necessary to ultimately get us to our glorified state and the foretastes to remind our hearts that it is so worth it.  


I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.  Now if we are children, then we are heirs—heirs of God and co-heirs with Christ, if indeed we share in his sufferings in order that we may also share in his glory.  Romans 8:17-18


As I transition from a physically impoverished society which strips the individual of comforts and conveniences to a society that has grocery stores stocked with endless varieties of fresh foods, reliable power and flowing water in our homes and clean and tidy traffic on our roads, will I see God at work as clearly as I did when I was so helpless and stripped?  Is He less active on this side of the globe?  Can I enjoy life one day at a time here as I was only given the option to do there, rather than giving into the demand that I fill my calendar three months into the future and not really enjoying any of it?  Can I possibly see my life as available to wander up to the babies home and spend limitless time holding little ones in need of touch and affection, however that translates here, or will I be mad that five minutes was stolen by an unexpected drop-in?  


These are all questions that could become a list of new laws or goals for each day.  However, they are views and attitudes that flow from my heart and will only be changed by the Spirit through the person and work of Jesus.  I've been given a small taste of what God's redemption in the area of my view of "time ownership" that I may hope to see it worked out increasingly this side of glory.  He is living and active, here no less than there.  He will complete the good work that He has begun.  He is faithful and He will do it.  And that work will not be accomplished as I nap at a spa (though that would be welcome) but as I share in His suffering, I will share in His completion.

Beautiful in His Time

So, after I completed my list of complaints, which God graciously hears and understands, He began to redirect my heart.  There are, of course, many things to enjoy and appreciate in our time here.  Lying under my mosquito net at night with my two older children, reading as if in a play fort, and falling asleep snuggled together are all things we won't be doing at home each night.  Playing Mother May I and Red Light Green Light in the yard of this guest house is something we could do at home, but rarely take time for there.  We have also made special new friends, like Isma (who I've called Ishmael this whole time until I saw it spelled out), who comes to visit us and play with Ellie and Chad.  We walk to the market for our food, which is simple and for that reason a nice thing.  We are living with another family, sharing all of our meals and even car rides and it isn't invasive but rather very satisfying.  Why don't we live together like this back in the U.S.?  Why is individualism and autonomy of such a high value?  And I even found myself grateful this morning for a time of merely waiting in the shade of the U.S. Embassy for my ride to return because I know that kind of stillness and quiet is rare and coveted in my days at home.

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.  I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live. That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God.  I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him. Eccles. 3:11-14

When I went on a three hour errand the other day (the business itself was about 10 minutes, the traffic was the other 2 hours and 20 minutes), I was surprised by a sudden wave of sentimentality at seeing a particular playground for what may be the last time.  The playground isn't all that unique, nor is it set in a particularly awesome setting.  But, the playground had been a fun place for my children on several occasions and that, suddenly, gave it special significance.  That's when it hit me that the beauty of a place (or a person) has everything to do with what is brought to it rather than what exists in its own merit.  It is why a crying, snotty nosed toddler is so beloved by his parent while a passer by may think, "Now that is birth control!"  And, it is what makes a muddy, primitive house feel like the safest and happiest home on the earth to its inhabitants...because it is where love is.

 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing. 1 Cor. 13:3

My complaints about hardship, though they are perfectly ligitimate and reflective of my full humanity, reveal a lovelessness in my heart.  I have felt myself excused from really loving and serving the woman who takes care of this guest house because all of my comforts and preferences are not being met.  Not until God finally prompted me to sit with her and dig into her story did I learn how terribly homesick she is.  I am so much like Naaman, as I just read with Ellie in the Jesus Storybook Bible, who thought himself so very important that he was above needing God or others or even considering their needs above his own.  The fact that my unmet entitlements seem to excuse me from gratitude or a greater interest in others above myself and that they seem to give me liscence to grumble and complain show me a little more of who I presume is actually sitting on the throne.

But He shows me these ugly things in my heart (my lack of love, my self-centered entitlements, etc.) not to shame me but to offer me more grace...and show me why I need it.  He is making all things beautiful in His time and has promised to complete that process without fail.  From muddy, polluted streets to my muddy, polluted heart, the cleaning, restoration and beauty that God brings will endure forever...unlike my creature comforts which are like shifting sands.

So, I am grateful for this thaw of my cold heart which will certainly produce tears as I say goodbye to this place that I failed to love as Jesus does, but am beginning to appreciate through His eyes of love.  He cherishes these people and is as committed to them as I have been to seeking a semblance of my familiar lifestyle.  And He is committed to me no less.

After this I looked, and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and before the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands.  And they cried out in a loud voice: “Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb.” Rev. 7:9-10

Then the angel showed me the river of the water of life, as clear as crystal, flowing from the throne of God and of the Lamb  down the middle of the great street of the city. On each side of the river stood the tree of life, bearing twelve crops of fruit, yielding its fruit every month. And the leaves of the tree are for the healing of the nations. No longer will there be any curse. The throne of God and of the Lamb will be in the city, and his servants will serve him. Rev. 22:1-3

He Left His Home to Bring Us Home

I've been in Uganda for three weeks now and, honestly, it feels like I've been here for at least a year.  Apparently, people at home marvel at how quickly I'll be home.  For me, the days are now as long as nursery duty at church, the land where time stands still.  I hate to complain, but I'm tired of inhaling the toxic fumes from burning trash (plastic bottles, diapers, etc.), of frequent yet still unpredictable power outages, of cars that aren't asked to pass emissions tests ever, of mosquito nets, of the absence of trash cans in public places and then discovering that the ladies room stalls only contain holes in the floor but nothing that resembles a "toilet"...just a hole in the floor that you can flush as if to pretend the whole thing was actually civilized.  Cold showers, I've learned, can actually be refreshing even if there isn't enough water flow to really feel like you've rinsed all the soap and shampoo off.  I miss brushing my teeth with water from the faucet rather than partially rinsing my toothbrush with a water bottle that just can't accomplish what a faucet can.  I miss eating food that is a color other than white bread.  Have I complained enough?  No, I miss clean clothes that actually smell clean rather than worse than before I had them washed.  I miss traffic that has some kind of order to it rather than a mosh pit of cars, buses, boda bodas and bicycles all shoving their way into whatever space (whether sidewalk or street) can be grabbed.  I'm tired of the language barrier which is compounded by cultural barriers so that every basic conversation is full of confusion, walking on ice and left incomplete or with less understanding than existed before it started.  I'm tired of waiting in one waiting room after another from the lawyer's office (7 times) to the court (3 times) to the International Office of Migration (3 times) to Baylor Medical Children's Hospital (2 times) to the U.S. Embassy (about 5 times it will be) to the Immigration facility (3 times) all by way of unbelievable traffic and sweaty car rides.  I'm so glad I love my baby girl and that I have a kind friend named Moses driving us around and the wonderful aunties at the babies home, because otherwise, this whole process of attaining legal guardianship on the way to adoption would never be worth it.

 The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth. John 1:14

Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness.  And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself  by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! Phil. 2:6-8

I am full of grumbling and complaining because I am spending, as it seems from the perspective of others who aren't here, an incredibly short time in a foreign country and foreign culture for the purpose of adopting a precious little 1 year old girl.  Jesus left HEAVEN, the company of the Father, and all the advantages and perfections of being part of the godhead, to become human and share in man's humble nature.  I think holes in the ground and periods of time without power are a real burden, what must it have been like to come to the world of the created, to a community of fallen and corrupted and ignorant children, and then to serve and give life to all.  I don't hardly have life for my own self (I keep getting sick here) and yet Jesus wasn't focused on the inconveniences or discomforts of life as a creature rather than the Creator.  He loved and served and cared more about bringing life to those around Him than preserving His own.

He came to what, in comparison to the perfectly complete "home" He already had, was a foreign country and culture, to adopt His children once and for all.  He came to make me, to make all those who are His, His forever family.  He endured abuse, misunderstanding, scorn, confused looks, reprimands, begging from those who saw Him as a walking ATM on top of the heartbreak of encountering and touching the broken, the sick, the poverty ravaged, the filthy, the too easily abandoned orphans and the oppressed.  He witnessed and experienced the injustice of corrupt leaders (or traffic police) who used their position of power to extort money from civilians.  He lived with and entered into the suffering of those for whom He came to bring life.  And there is no record of Him complaining or criticizing based on His own flesh's inconvenience.

I am not Jesus and cannot make the point of this processing to be more like Jesus and deny my own humanity.  But for starters, I want this present hardship, even if it is the hardship of the spoiled American, to help me better understand a small taste of what Jesus entered willingly and knowingly and then joyfully and peacefully on my behalf.  I honestly regret being so self-consumed that I really haven't been outwardly focused, looking for ways to serve the people who live here and serve as unto the Lord in so many ways year after year.  I wish my heart weren't so demanding of comfort and convenience.  My two natural choices are to despair of my condemnable state or to determine to be tougher and more sacrificial in the morning.  Instead, the person and work of Jesus offer me a third way:  to trust in the One who has completed this good work and will complete it in me.  It does not have to be complete on this trip to the Pearl of Africa.  Perhaps on our next visit, I will get to see progress made in this redeemed sinner's heart.  Perhaps this visit gives me a starting measurement as well as a greater appreciation for the sacrifice of love made on my behalf.  I think my home is so satisfying with its washer and dryer, clean tap water and city sanitation services.  But what must that "home" be like in comparison with the one He has with the Father?  His Kingdom is far better, more glorious and more life-giving and I want to begin longing for it far more than any other.

Enveloped

If you've ever had a very tiny child try to physically climb into you (picture feet on belly, hands digging in shoulders and head in chest) it is a wonderful image of taking shelter and of declaring to others in pursuit "Hands off!  I'm on base!"  Experiencing this recently, I thought of a place at Tybee Island that feels like climbing into this same kind of safe place with God, for me.  It is such a wonderful feeling to be enveloped by Him...by His power, His goodness, His strength, His kindness, His control, His compassion, His love and His arms.


Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.  Psalm 62.1-2


Little babies need touch to grow.  But they want more than a mere high five or poke.  They want to be enveloped in affectionate arms, pressed against a peaceful body, held tightly so as to know someone else is taking care of them.  An orphan does not have this certainty and there is no promise of that enveloping each day.  Survival and provision require a bit of a fight, some initiative and pursuit.  I live so many of my days, even as a Christian, assuming as my friends Anne and Walter said, "If it is to be, it depends on me."  There is an orphan inclination inside my heart that regularly forgets I am enveloped by strong capable arms upon which everything depends.  I can climb His body digging my feet into His belly and my fingers into His shoulders. But, unlike an orphan, I do not have to be afraid or grip so tightly because He has me and has promised never to let me go, ever.


"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”  When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.”  Gen. 28:15-16


I can hide in Him, rest in Him, trust in Him and depend upon Him rather than myself.  Why do I functionally live as if I have been left alone, as if bringing His Kingdom to come were in my hands, as if the well being of others and myself were resting upon my initiative?  How grateful I am that it is not so.  Like the baby being held securely who looks up with a great big grin, may this be my posture in the arms of my Father today.


Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Psalm 139:7-10

Damn Seriousness

Last week our friend Dan came into town and stayed with us for a couple of nights.  Ellie, Chad and I took him to the Y pool.  After wearing out the water slide and other fun games in the pool, an ashen faced lifeguard instructed everyone to get out of the pool, and it wasn't adult swim.  As the lifeguards swiftly huddled with furrowed brows and anxious whispering, all the swimmers sat silently wondering what new disease we would wake up with the next morning from swimming in contaminated waters.  We leaned in to watch the net scoop up a tiny brown ball and with Dan, who shares Terrell's and my sense of humor like few others, I was crying I was laughing so hard at this whole scene.  I truly could hardly breathe.  And there were two ways the scenario could have ended perfectly (for the humor, that is):  1) it turned out actually to be poop which just seems perfect for the one time we take Dan to the pool with us or 2) it turned out not to be poop and the lifeguard, knowing this before anyone else, would pop the acorn in her mouth and declare after a contemplative moment "Nope!  We're good!"


Why in the world do I share this story?  Because most days have those kinds of moments that are truly hilarious "if you have eyes to see" them.  Sometimes you need a Dan there with you to see it more clearly, sometimes you need to be on vacation or with a large group of friends.  As a kid, I laughed so hard on a regular basis it became part of my M.O.  Adulthood somehow sucks us into seriousness, alarmist tendencies and general scowls.  Sadly, no pun intended, Christianity can do this too.  Everything suddenly becomes heavy with perfectionism, intent on sanctification and the eradication of all sin or sinful inclinations...and most everything can somehow slip under that umbrella...maybe even pool poop. (:


She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Prov. 31:25


Here is something I realized the other day:  laughter requires strength and confidence.  Fear sucks the laughter right out of the room.  In contrast, laughter makes a situation less scary...it is why Chris Rock is a great opponent to scary bad guys.  You actually feel safer in a threatening situation with someone who can find the humor in it.  Humor shrinks the threat and puts it in its place.


There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18


I lose the humor in my children's crazy behavior sometimes because I fear it is an underlying sign of anarchy and disrespect.  Seriously.  Seriously?  When I'm white knuckled in my day, I am fearing the consequences of not accomplishing something or failing to reach a certain goal.  I'll be in trouble.  I'll be excluded.  I'll be ruled out.  I'll be at the other end of someone's disappointment.  All this seriousness comes from a sense of walking through a mine field where the wrong step could be fatally explosive.  Take precautions.  Be on the lookout.  Be scared.  Be aware.  Be careful.  


Yet I stand clothed in Christ where there is no condemnation, no fatal mistake I can make, no irreversible moment or unredeemable heart.  The weight of becoming holy, of reflecting Jesus, of being involved in His redeeming work does not rest on my shoulders!  The victory of God's Kingdom over all evil, selfishness and injury is in His hands, which are quite capable and reliable.  So, I can laugh and quit taking things so darn seriously.  I can stand confidently in His righteousness and therefore laugh, heartily.  I am no longer condemned, no longer damned literally, and that should make me celebrate, smile and maybe even respond with delighted laughter!  And after all, what might point others to the glory of the person and work of Jesus, the abundant life of the One who controls all things, more?  Deep, belly laughter or white knuckled scowls?  Seriously, not a tough one.  It turns out, better than Dan or vacation or a group of friends, it might be I just need Jesus there with me to give me eyes to see the light hearted side in each day.


See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.  But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.  I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.  Is. 65:17-19

What I Want Most

Whatever we want most controls us.  I like to think otherwise, that my sense of "the good" or the noble is what I would always choose or go with because I am just that good and noble, but it is not so.  If I am tired, all I want to do is go to sleep no matter what responsibilities linger.  If it is the end of the day and I feel entitled to be "off duty", the desire to be "off duty" absolutely trumps any call to speak gently, extend mercy or offer gracious patience to those small people in my house who choose that time of day to be the least compliant.


What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.  James 4:1-3


We've been going trough The Young Peacemaker with Ellie and Chad and are beginning to discuss how "it starts in the heart".  When we were discussing yesterday how our desires control our heart, they both had lots of examples showing how they understood this concept.  Ellie brought up the leaves outside on our new tree, which clearly have been nibbled on by some insect.  We haven't seen the culprit, but the nibbled leaf is evidence.  Similarly, we discussed that all of our words, attitudes and actions have their roots in our hearts.  When we punch or kick or scream (which we've only heard of other families doing, of course) those things are like the nibbled leaves that tell us, in the case of our hearts, that something is wrong in our heart.


The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart. Proverbs 17:3


God's test isn't to see if we can pass, because of course we can't.  His test is more like that which determines blood iron levels, showing us we need more iron.  In my case, I need more of the person and work of Jesus.  The crucible refines the silver and the furnace purifies the gold, pulling up the impurities so that they can be removed.  God shows me my impatience, my greed, my distrust and fear, my hatred, my arrogance, and so on...not to shame or humiliate me but to confirm what I have said I believed all along!  I claim to believe that I need Him, but live functionally each day as if I don't.  I go to Him for stuff I want or as a means to an end but He graciously determines to convince me that He is the end...and the beginning of all things good.


Thomas Chalmer wrote of "the expulsive power of a new affection" and that only God can fully and powerfully replace and expel our lesser desires, my selfish desires and my ego on the throne of my heart.  But He is faithful and He will do it.  Only He can work His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control through me and extend them generously and unreasonably to others.  Only He can remove toxic affections from my grip and replace them with the living water that I most need.  And the disappointing news and very good news is that only He can provide this new affection.  


This is disappointing to those of us who feel proud of all our un-nibbled leaves and critical of others, because we like to feel that the credit for our righteousness belongs to us.  But it is good news for those like me who have come to see that left to my own ability or will, I would prefer to yell at my children without restraint, to criticize the strangers on the street, to horde all the money and "stuff" I can get my hands on, to withhold generosity from those who don't deserve it, to attach to my name only the coolest and most elite associations and the list only grows.


So, after my children used bedtime as a great example of desires taking control so that inside the battle is between doing what is right (obeying) and what you want most (not going to sleep), we had about an hour of crying, disciplining, arguing and aggravation that followed the time my children should have had the lights out and a quiet room.  Knowledge is not power.  Knowing what is right does not make us do what is right.  (Ask anyone who wants to lose weight or quit smoking, for example.)  I need the Spirit to be powerfully at work within me.  I need to grow in my understanding that I am beloved, cherished and secure in Jesus so that I quit living to earn that from Him and from others and instead begin to freely live out of that position.  It is His kindness that leads me to repentance. May it one day be His life in me that becomes what I want most and the root of all my words, attitudes and actions.


I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever!

Amen.  Eph. 3:16-21