Enveloped

If you've ever had a very tiny child try to physically climb into you (picture feet on belly, hands digging in shoulders and head in chest) it is a wonderful image of taking shelter and of declaring to others in pursuit "Hands off!  I'm on base!"  Experiencing this recently, I thought of a place at Tybee Island that feels like climbing into this same kind of safe place with God, for me.  It is such a wonderful feeling to be enveloped by Him...by His power, His goodness, His strength, His kindness, His control, His compassion, His love and His arms.


Truly my soul finds rest in God; my salvation comes from him. Truly he is my rock and my salvation; he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.  Psalm 62.1-2


Little babies need touch to grow.  But they want more than a mere high five or poke.  They want to be enveloped in affectionate arms, pressed against a peaceful body, held tightly so as to know someone else is taking care of them.  An orphan does not have this certainty and there is no promise of that enveloping each day.  Survival and provision require a bit of a fight, some initiative and pursuit.  I live so many of my days, even as a Christian, assuming as my friends Anne and Walter said, "If it is to be, it depends on me."  There is an orphan inclination inside my heart that regularly forgets I am enveloped by strong capable arms upon which everything depends.  I can climb His body digging my feet into His belly and my fingers into His shoulders. But, unlike an orphan, I do not have to be afraid or grip so tightly because He has me and has promised never to let me go, ever.


"I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.”  When Jacob awoke from his sleep, he thought, “Surely the LORD is in this place, and I was not aware of it.”  Gen. 28:15-16


I can hide in Him, rest in Him, trust in Him and depend upon Him rather than myself.  Why do I functionally live as if I have been left alone, as if bringing His Kingdom to come were in my hands, as if the well being of others and myself were resting upon my initiative?  How grateful I am that it is not so.  Like the baby being held securely who looks up with a great big grin, may this be my posture in the arms of my Father today.


Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence? If I go up to the heavens, you are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
If I rise on the wings of the dawn, if I settle on the far side of the sea,
even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast. Psalm 139:7-10

Damn Seriousness

Last week our friend Dan came into town and stayed with us for a couple of nights.  Ellie, Chad and I took him to the Y pool.  After wearing out the water slide and other fun games in the pool, an ashen faced lifeguard instructed everyone to get out of the pool, and it wasn't adult swim.  As the lifeguards swiftly huddled with furrowed brows and anxious whispering, all the swimmers sat silently wondering what new disease we would wake up with the next morning from swimming in contaminated waters.  We leaned in to watch the net scoop up a tiny brown ball and with Dan, who shares Terrell's and my sense of humor like few others, I was crying I was laughing so hard at this whole scene.  I truly could hardly breathe.  And there were two ways the scenario could have ended perfectly (for the humor, that is):  1) it turned out actually to be poop which just seems perfect for the one time we take Dan to the pool with us or 2) it turned out not to be poop and the lifeguard, knowing this before anyone else, would pop the acorn in her mouth and declare after a contemplative moment "Nope!  We're good!"


Why in the world do I share this story?  Because most days have those kinds of moments that are truly hilarious "if you have eyes to see" them.  Sometimes you need a Dan there with you to see it more clearly, sometimes you need to be on vacation or with a large group of friends.  As a kid, I laughed so hard on a regular basis it became part of my M.O.  Adulthood somehow sucks us into seriousness, alarmist tendencies and general scowls.  Sadly, no pun intended, Christianity can do this too.  Everything suddenly becomes heavy with perfectionism, intent on sanctification and the eradication of all sin or sinful inclinations...and most everything can somehow slip under that umbrella...maybe even pool poop. (:


She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. Prov. 31:25


Here is something I realized the other day:  laughter requires strength and confidence.  Fear sucks the laughter right out of the room.  In contrast, laughter makes a situation less scary...it is why Chris Rock is a great opponent to scary bad guys.  You actually feel safer in a threatening situation with someone who can find the humor in it.  Humor shrinks the threat and puts it in its place.


There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. John 4:18


I lose the humor in my children's crazy behavior sometimes because I fear it is an underlying sign of anarchy and disrespect.  Seriously.  Seriously?  When I'm white knuckled in my day, I am fearing the consequences of not accomplishing something or failing to reach a certain goal.  I'll be in trouble.  I'll be excluded.  I'll be ruled out.  I'll be at the other end of someone's disappointment.  All this seriousness comes from a sense of walking through a mine field where the wrong step could be fatally explosive.  Take precautions.  Be on the lookout.  Be scared.  Be aware.  Be careful.  


Yet I stand clothed in Christ where there is no condemnation, no fatal mistake I can make, no irreversible moment or unredeemable heart.  The weight of becoming holy, of reflecting Jesus, of being involved in His redeeming work does not rest on my shoulders!  The victory of God's Kingdom over all evil, selfishness and injury is in His hands, which are quite capable and reliable.  So, I can laugh and quit taking things so darn seriously.  I can stand confidently in His righteousness and therefore laugh, heartily.  I am no longer condemned, no longer damned literally, and that should make me celebrate, smile and maybe even respond with delighted laughter!  And after all, what might point others to the glory of the person and work of Jesus, the abundant life of the One who controls all things, more?  Deep, belly laughter or white knuckled scowls?  Seriously, not a tough one.  It turns out, better than Dan or vacation or a group of friends, it might be I just need Jesus there with me to give me eyes to see the light hearted side in each day.


See, I will create new heavens and a new earth. The former things will not be remembered, nor will they come to mind.  But be glad and rejoice forever in what I will create, for I will create Jerusalem to be a delight and its people a joy.  I will rejoice over Jerusalem and take delight in my people; the sound of weeping and of crying will be heard in it no more.  Is. 65:17-19

What I Want Most

Whatever we want most controls us.  I like to think otherwise, that my sense of "the good" or the noble is what I would always choose or go with because I am just that good and noble, but it is not so.  If I am tired, all I want to do is go to sleep no matter what responsibilities linger.  If it is the end of the day and I feel entitled to be "off duty", the desire to be "off duty" absolutely trumps any call to speak gently, extend mercy or offer gracious patience to those small people in my house who choose that time of day to be the least compliant.


What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?  You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God.  When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures.  James 4:1-3


We've been going trough The Young Peacemaker with Ellie and Chad and are beginning to discuss how "it starts in the heart".  When we were discussing yesterday how our desires control our heart, they both had lots of examples showing how they understood this concept.  Ellie brought up the leaves outside on our new tree, which clearly have been nibbled on by some insect.  We haven't seen the culprit, but the nibbled leaf is evidence.  Similarly, we discussed that all of our words, attitudes and actions have their roots in our hearts.  When we punch or kick or scream (which we've only heard of other families doing, of course) those things are like the nibbled leaves that tell us, in the case of our hearts, that something is wrong in our heart.


The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart. Proverbs 17:3


God's test isn't to see if we can pass, because of course we can't.  His test is more like that which determines blood iron levels, showing us we need more iron.  In my case, I need more of the person and work of Jesus.  The crucible refines the silver and the furnace purifies the gold, pulling up the impurities so that they can be removed.  God shows me my impatience, my greed, my distrust and fear, my hatred, my arrogance, and so on...not to shame or humiliate me but to confirm what I have said I believed all along!  I claim to believe that I need Him, but live functionally each day as if I don't.  I go to Him for stuff I want or as a means to an end but He graciously determines to convince me that He is the end...and the beginning of all things good.


Thomas Chalmer wrote of "the expulsive power of a new affection" and that only God can fully and powerfully replace and expel our lesser desires, my selfish desires and my ego on the throne of my heart.  But He is faithful and He will do it.  Only He can work His love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness and self-control through me and extend them generously and unreasonably to others.  Only He can remove toxic affections from my grip and replace them with the living water that I most need.  And the disappointing news and very good news is that only He can provide this new affection.  


This is disappointing to those of us who feel proud of all our un-nibbled leaves and critical of others, because we like to feel that the credit for our righteousness belongs to us.  But it is good news for those like me who have come to see that left to my own ability or will, I would prefer to yell at my children without restraint, to criticize the strangers on the street, to horde all the money and "stuff" I can get my hands on, to withhold generosity from those who don't deserve it, to attach to my name only the coolest and most elite associations and the list only grows.


So, after my children used bedtime as a great example of desires taking control so that inside the battle is between doing what is right (obeying) and what you want most (not going to sleep), we had about an hour of crying, disciplining, arguing and aggravation that followed the time my children should have had the lights out and a quiet room.  Knowledge is not power.  Knowing what is right does not make us do what is right.  (Ask anyone who wants to lose weight or quit smoking, for example.)  I need the Spirit to be powerfully at work within me.  I need to grow in my understanding that I am beloved, cherished and secure in Jesus so that I quit living to earn that from Him and from others and instead begin to freely live out of that position.  It is His kindness that leads me to repentance. May it one day be His life in me that becomes what I want most and the root of all my words, attitudes and actions.


I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being,  so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love,  may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.  Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generation, for ever and ever!

Amen.  Eph. 3:16-21

Following Bread Crumbs

I'm pretty keyed up these days.  The bags under my eyes are growing and the brain cells behind those eyes are slowing down like molecular activity on ice.  (Not being a scientist or having high brain function these days, that might have been a totally inaccurate analogy.)  As I sat in church yesterday trying to identify my emotions, I realized the process of "working out my faith" is quite similar to a treasure hunt or following a bread crumb trail.  You notice the beginning of the trail, which for me is usually a sense of emotional fragility or physical exhaustion and begin the journey.


For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart.  Nothing in all creation is hidden from God’s sight. Everything is uncovered and laid bare before the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Hebrews 4:12-13


What I started to discover was that fear, not surprisingly, was to blame for my inability to relax or nap or stay asleep in the early morning when my brain kicks into gear even though my alarm is giving me another hour to sleep.  As I dig below the acknowledgment of fear (sorry for the mixed metaphors, just refer back to sentences 2-3), the focus of my fear is something like "what if we run out of cash in a country that only accepts cash" or "what if I get really sick and am bed ridden with children who need my strength and leadership and direction in a foreign country?" and so on.  So, returning to the bread crumb trail, I see that this is not the end of the discovery process.  The crumbs don't stop there but lead me to see next that if I can't find an ATM or our debit or credit cards don't work and we are actually totally out of money, God is still on His throne and He is still intimately with us.  He is still cherishing and loving me and He is still in absolute control of every detail of my days, my going out and coming in and lying down, even in a high fever.  He is trustworthy.


The bread crumb trail does not stop there at those theological facts, as if knowledge was the solution.  Instead, God invites me to see that functionally, I do not live as if I truly believed that He is living and active and at work in my circumstances to make me look more like Him and to persuade my heart that He is present, working, trustworthy and good.  The bread crumbs have taken me far enough along the trail to show me that my intellectual ascent to certain biblical facts about God does not mean that I actually believe them.  My fears reveal that I actually believe myself to be the one in control of the successful outcome of my circumstances.  They also reveal that I believe the desired outcome of the events is the make or break ultimate goal and determination of my well being.  I can see by my fears that my end goal isn't resting in God but getting what I want.  


There remains, then, a Sabbath-rest for the people of God; for anyone who enters God’s rest also rests from their works, just as God did from his.  Let us, therefore, make every effort to enter that rest, so that no one will perish by following their example of disobedience. Hebrews 4:9-11


Scotty referred to this glorious paradox, "make every effort to enter that rest", which is the bread crumb treasure hunt.  He offers me rest.  In Him I find my rest.  But my unrest reveals that I am not with Him, at rest in Him, as I like to think I am by my theological knowledge.  I am not trusting His care, His provision or His plans, ways and purposes at work through my circumstances which He has carefully designed and is implementing.  I am not actually living in relationship with a living and active God but living as if I've found old letters from an ancient culture from which I can glean helpful ideas on how to make my life better.  The bread crumb trail leads me to Him.  He gives me the energy and courage and endurance to travel the bread crumb trail from my unbelief to clearer sight of Him.  He takes this orphan, so set on self-reliance for survival, and will use any circumstance to impress upon my heart that I am His beloved forever child and that nothing can separate me from His love.  He uses my greatest fears or my mundane circumstances to take His word and promises and love from being something I post on my refrigerator to the very oxygen I need and must have to live.


Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess.  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.  Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.  Hebrews 4:14-16

Therefore Do Not Worry

What if I can't get it all done in time?  What if I forget to pack the one medicine we end up most needing in a country without a corner CVS or WalMart?  What if our ATM cards don't work?  What if I forget to pay a bill before we leave?  What if I haven't really considered the implications of what we are doing and it changes our lives in a destructive way?  What if she has attachment issues?  What if my skirts are not long enough?  What if I have forgotten how to dance or be silly and simply play?  What if I fret more than I giggle?  What if we run out of money?  What if I can't figure out how to convert dollars to shillings?  What if something happens to someone in my family while we're gone?  What am I neglecting?  What am I overlooking?  How am I wasting the hours we have now, these last hours as it has always been and never will be, exactly the same, again?

No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve both God and money. Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. 

Are you not much more valuable than they?  

Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?

And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.  Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own. 

Matt. 6:24-34

I am concerned about my kingdom, and I suppose, I should be.  My kingdom is perishing, is going out of business, is going bankrupt and is guaranteed to be overpowered by a better one.  His kingdom has no end.  My kingdom is wide eyed in horror at the possibility of discomfort - what if I forget to pack the kitchen sink and really wish I had my own kitchen sink in a foreign land?  Is not His life, this everlasting life, this abundant life in and through the person and work of Jesus more than peanut butter and bug spray (which I hope I don't forget to pack!)?  Aren't dignity and beauty and honor products which overflow from the heart and not the perfect combination of flattering, practical and modest attire in another culture?  Will blisters from new shoes interfere with His kingdom?  Will my inability to cover possessive pronouns, cursive or the "scientific principles in simple machinery" thwart God's progress in training up my children in the way He intends them to go?


Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,  because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.  For what the law was powerless to do because it was weakened by the flesh, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh to be a sin offering.  And so he condemned sin in the flesh,  in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. Romans 8:1-6


Hovering over, around and in all of this anxiety and fear of regret is a real sense of condemnation and looming condemnation.  With just the slightest wrong step, I am doomed...it tells me.  With just one wrong word, day, or season, irreparable damage will be done. Get it just right, right now, or else.  And or else will be really, really bad.  The worst kind of weeping and gnashing of teeth.

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, 

who have been called according to his purpose.  

For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, 

that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.  And those he predestined, he also called; those he called, he also justified; those he justified, he also glorified.

What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us?  He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things?  

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. 

Who then is the one who condemns? No one. 

Christ Jesus who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us.  Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword? As it is written:

   “For your sake we face death all day long; 

   we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  

For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God 

that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 

Romans 8:28-39

Even my regrettable moments (or seasons or even packing list), it seems, are part of conforming me to the image of His Son.  There is no season or danger or discomfort or even vestiges of wickedness in my heart that can separate me from His love and His life.  The no condemnation promise isn't based on some new perfection that I am supposed to have attained but on His perfection in which He covers me.  I can trust Him to preserve and encourage His life in my children even when my sin attempts to crush it out of them.  I can trust Him to be present with us when the Pepto Bismal runs out.  I can trust Him to be loving us and embracing us when the geographical distance between us and all that is familiar feels tangible and heavy.  It turns out that nothing is irreparable in Jesus.  In fact, in His economy, all forms of death are what lead to abundant life and to Him.  What or whom then shall I fear?

Fully Loving the Messy

Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt.  “At this the servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go.  “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred silver coins. He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.  “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it back.’  “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt.  Matt. 18:25-30



In December, we got this tiny 5lb labradoodle puppy who was supposedly to become "chocolate" in color, so we named her Cocoa.  At nearly 60lbs, the only brown to be found is under her chin after playing in the mud.  She is the smartest dog I've ever had and the sweetest, most of the time, except for her tendency to be a bit like Marley.  Last Sunday she pooped on our playroom carpet.  Monday she ate the strap off of our visiting 5 year old friend's brand new shoe.  And she chewed through the handle strap at the top of his brand new, monogrammed back pack.  Tuesday, she threw up a sock that one of our neighbor babies was missing.  Wednesday I gave her a bath.  Thursday she came in from outside with all of her fur crunchy and filthy, so I gave her another bath.  When she drinks water, the fur under her mouth remains so wet that a trail of water is left wherever she goes afterward, which often is to nuzzle her face into one of us.  Yuck.  I'm reminded over and over why it is we have been dogless for our entire marriage.  I'm not much of a dog person, it seems.  I don't like the mess and the smell and the hassle.


As I reflected on what poor Cocoa's observations of me as an owner must be (not wanting her smelly affection which often dirties my clothes, exasperation at her constant destruction of our small things, disdain for the way she interrupts my time and invades my space, and rejection of her attempts to warmly get my attention with her paw because it inevitably scratches my skin),  I realized my mothering is not so different.  I don't want their sticky hands touching our house, or their play with clay to leave its mark on our furniture, or their excited affection to bruise or bump me, or their enthusiasm to rattle my peace, or their questions to interrupt me or their needs to disrupt me.  I respond in exasperation to their sin, and sometimes not their sin but simply their freedom to be children who want to be both seen and heard.  I just don't like the mess and the noise and the hassle.


It was when a third friend invaded my space yesterday and I immediately felt my anger flare up that the warning lights started to flash and the pattern began to make itself clear.  Something really toxic has been given free reign in my heart.  A disdain for people rather than anything that resembles genuine, selfless love is what is evident in my words, tone and countenance toward others (including my dog.)  A resentment of their sin, their mess, their wills which don't conform to mine, and even their presence interfering with my world revolving around my comfort and pleasure...all give evidence of a heart that has no idea how lavishly or unreasonably or sacrificially it has been loved.


This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins.  Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. 1 John 4:9-11


This isn't simply an admonition to be better, do better, be nicer, behave or get over it.  It is a reminder that I have forgotten how much of God's stuff I break and how often I injure his people in my enthusiasm and in my recklessness.  I have lost sight of my malodorous attitudes and crunchy, dirty exterior which at times scratch and break the skin of those I love and messes up their clothes and day too.  I fail to remember that I almost never "obey right away", respond with an immediate "yes ma'am" or go through a single day without protest or complaint or words spoken "in the wrong tone of voice."  I'm oblivious to how often I intrude on other people's spaces and interrupt their time, how often I disrespect God's space and distrust His timing.  I do not honor Him with my words nor the way I use them with other people.


It was just before the Passover Festival. Jesus knew that the hour had come for him to leave this world and go to the Father. Having loved his own who were in the world, he loved them to the end. 

The evening meal was in progress, and the devil had already prompted Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot, to betray Jesus.  Jesus knew that the Father had put all things under his power, and that he had come from God and was returning to God;  so he got up from the meal, took off his outer clothing, and wrapped a towel around his waist.  After that, he poured water into a basin and began to wash his disciples’ feet, drying them with the towel that was wrapped around him.  

He came to Simon Peter, who said to him, “Lord, are you going to wash my feet?”  

Jesus replied, “You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”  

“No,” said Peter, “you shall never wash my feet.”  Jesus answered, "Unless I wash you, you have no part with me." John 13:1-8

It is a given that one only comes to Jesus if he or she recognizes the problem isn't "those people" but that the problem is me.  We only finally make an appointment with a counselor when we come to the end of trying to fix ourselves alone.  We only finally make an appointment with a doctor when our symptoms persist to the point of interfering with our daily responsibilities and activities.  I am disdainful of others when I come to believe that they are my problem.  

Jesus did not flee from the lepers but embraced them in their stink, decay and contamination...and healed them.  Jesus did not (and does not) humiliate or shame the arrogant or the ignorant but it is His kindness that leads them to repentance.  Jesus was never in a panic when His own followers were so self-absorbed they couldn't even understand Who it was that stood mercifully before them.  He is patient, kind, gentle and compassionate.  He is more interested in loving fully and restoratively than protecting His space and keeping His robes clean.  As a matter of fact, He absorbs my crunchy, scratchy, muddy, malodorous, offensive, wet, drippy and injurious mess and gives me His fresh scented, bright, peaceful, joyful and genuinely loving heart in exchange.  Amazing love.  May I one day begin to be more passionate about the lives of those around me than preserving my own. 

Jesus replied, “What is impossible with man is possible with God." Luke 18:27

Celebration

My birthday was yesterday and it was perhaps the greatest birthday of my life.  I have always loved birthdays even as I have had an awkward relationship to them.  Some years, they subtly slip something like a Bridezilla charge card into my hand with such statements as "This is YOUR day, all about YOU and YOU should do whatever makes YOU HAPPY today.  Everyone else should serve YOU today...as a matter of fact, what are they doing right now that revolves around you and your bliss?"  Other years, but not so different from bridezilla, they take the place of high school prom.  Promising a magical fairy tale ball, they actually end up filled with awkward teenagers who aren't all that creative or funny or great at dancing and what is so great about pancakes at 2am anyway?  But this year was different.

Within the 36 hours of my birthday, God gifted me with an opportunity to celebrate His goodness in my life.  Now, that sounds a little out there and unintelligible, I know.  But, it was more like His day, and a day that allowed me to see He really is ruling and reigning and redeeming in the present tense.  Two major areas into which I have followed Him, with tears, exhaustion, at times anger and great loneliness, in which I have received push back from others and been overwhelmed with great doubt and uncertainty, were the two gifts that God gave me in celebration of His breathing life into me for 37 years.  The first news will have to be for a later post, but it stirred life in me that I worried didn't actually exist.  The second was a gathering of 15 neighbors, an almost equal mix of black and white, over 50 and under, male and female, married, single and widowed.  The street was not filled with cars for this birthday party because almost everyone walked.  The neighbors were not just people I wanted to get to know but have already become genuine friends.  People lingered and laughed and hugged.  A few reticent single men in the boarding house across the street overcame their discomfort and came anyway.  After all the work and heartache along the way, it was God's way of taking a moment and saying so clearly, "It is goooooooooood!"

I have dreamed since early childhood of denying racism its dictatorship.  I have dreamed in recent years of living now as we will in God's Kingdom for all eternity.  I have been struck by His adoption of me for no particular greatness in me but because of His greatness in all ways.  I have been amazed and inspired by the promises of His restoration of all things, where every tongue, tribe and nation will be one family without conflict and division or distinction between race, gender, culture, possessions and positions.  In the 36 hours around my birthday, God gave me a little taste of this reality, a vision to remember when new conflicts arise, new disappointments sneak up and new days of exhaustion will threaten to dim my eyes from seeing His grace.

It was a time to celebrate, to taste and know that He is so goooooooood.  It was a time to remember that He is faithful and He is completing the good work that He began.  It was a day for smiling, a day of a very full heart which is compelled to say thank you.  It was a day where, for a moment, faith became sight.  While most days He tells me as He did Mary that I do not need to touch Him but only believe, like Thomas, yesterday Jesus let me touch His hands.  He is good.  All the time.  And I am filled with joy.

Praise the LORD, my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. 

Praise the LORD, my soul,and forget not all his benefits—

who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases,

who redeems your life from the pit

and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things

so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s.

The LORD works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed.

He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel:

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,

slow to anger, abounding in love.

He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever;

he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities.

For as high as the heavens are above the earth,

   so great is his love for those who fear him;

as far as the east is from the west,

   so far has he removed our transgressions from us.

As a father has compassion on his children,

   so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust.

The life of mortals is like grass, they flourish like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting the LORD’s love is with those who fear him,

and his righteousness with their children’s children—

with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts.

The LORD has established his throne in heaven,

and his kingdom rules over all.

Praise the LORD, you his angels,

   you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word.  

Praise the LORD, all his heavenly hosts,

   you his servants who do his will.

Praise the LORD, all his works

   everywhere in his dominion.

   Praise the LORD, my soul.  Psalm 103

Deliverance From My Little Story

He who was seated on the throne said, “I am making everything new!” Then he said, “Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.”  Rev. 21:5


I can remember, in an exceptionally vivid way, seeing my reflection in that long window in the door of my second grade classroom just before I entered for the first time after Christmas break.  I was wearing these yellow, plastic squarish lensed sunglasses with a square above the nose bridge (between the eyes) featuring a colorful Whinnie the Pooh.  I can also remember thinking, with deep satisfaction, I might be the hottest stuff to enter this room...ever.  Going back further than that, two summers earlier, my family had been in London. During part of the trip, my dad was finishing up his executive MBA progam with Emory so was enjoying luncheons and other meetings as mom and I would tour the city.  During one of the lunches at which families were welcomed, I wandered back into the kitchen and eventually ended up out on a lovely patio with a large number of the staff gathered around me, one man in a memorable turban.  (That was very exotic to my five-year-old self.)  As I stood at the center of attention, knowing how loved I was by all these new friends, I invited them all to my birthday party back in Atlanta later that summer.  It made sense to me at the time that none of them would want to miss it.

It is quite likely that I am exceptionally egotistical in the same way some extremely aggressive (and hairy) men have unusually high testosterone levels.  Either way, I am increasingly aware of my unquestioned priority of self first.  I don't just mean shoving my way to the front of the food line (which of course is the only way to get fed in time at a wedding or other large affair), but in the way I made decisions about school, social life, employment, in which activities my children will participate and where and how I will live.  My assumption that the first priority is enabling the very best possible future opportunities for self (or my family) goes so unquestioned that it becomes a reasonable given.  Being involved in community service, of course serves us too, so that gets thrown in there.  But you gotta take care of yer own first.  Plus, and most honestly, I really prefer that hot stuff self entering the classroom to everyone's amazement and adoration than being that weird kid imagining herself to be a unicorn on the playground all alone.  I don't want to be that weird kid.

he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, to be put into effect when the times reach their fulfillment—to bring unity to all things in heaven and on earth under Christ.  In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.  Eph. 1:9-12

Ok, so it turns out, and I really am not being a smarty pants here, that the mystery of God's will and purpose for me in the person and work of Jesus, is not building my kingdom of admiral hot stuffness (nor such for my children) but His Kingdom of His hot stuffness.  Though I think better than hot stuff, He calls it glory.  Here is something Scotty Smith wrote this week that struck me as water on a hot day: Thank you for rescuing us from the notion that salvation is primarily death preparation. It’s about coming to life and it concerns the whole of life. It’s about becoming like you, Jesus—one Day being as beautiful and loving as you. It’s about deliverance from our little stories of personal peace and affluence, that we might serve in your big story of pan-national and cosmic redemption. What a privilege and honor!

Here is why I needed this Gospel at this time:  My house feels small and lame, unfinished and cluttered.  My life is gravitating more and more around my neighborhood and away from other circles, which threatens disconnect and loneliness even while it is immensely satisfying and nourishing.  I have chosen to keep my children home this year, rather than sending them back to the awesome, perfect private school that nobody in their right mind would pass up.  Our family will hopefully be growing soon, which opens another door to new and unfamiliar places.  I'm pretty sure I'm closer to being that unicorn girl galloping around the playground alone than that cool chic in the Whinnie the Pooh sunglasses.  My panic attacks have much to do with this, particularly as it relates to the danger of turning my children, without their knowledge, into those odd kids along with me.  Yet the person and work of Jesus offers me hope in this:  I am invited out of my little classroom door's window reflection to reflect a really big redeeming God to the world around me.  His reflection brings life as the oblivious unicorn kid can't and the sunglasses clad cool kid won't.

He is touching all my "untouchables" and removing them one by one until only He is left.  He is pulling me into a focus on the betterment of others (sharing in the larger story of redemption in the world) that is deeply unfamiliar to me as I feel much safer in the more familiar and sensible betterment of self.  And the crazy thing about His redemptive purposes, is that what I think is my own "focusing on others" or "serving others" is actually His gracious way of transforming me.  It is my heart that needs to remove myself from the throne and seat Jesus alone on it, and that might be the greatest way to bring life to the world around me.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.  The wild animals honor me, the jackals and the owls, because I provide water in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland, to give drink to my people, my chosen, the people I formed for myself that they may proclaim my praise.  Is. 43:18-21

New Every Morning

Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life. Psalm 143:8


Although this verse comes in the midst of a desperate plea for God's help against the psalmist enemies, I love the reference to morning.  I love mornings...not the waking up part, because sadly, I always do that reluctantly or with a bit of protest.  But once I am up, my favorite part of the day is morning.  In the morning, the whole day is ahead and full of opportunity and time.  (By evening, I am too tired to recognize or enjoy opportunity fully.)  In the morning, it is easier to believe that all things are possible.  In the morning, my heart can dream and imagine and hope far more easily than at night when I am exhausted...so perhaps that is is.  I have the better chance of having strength and energy at the start of the day than with each passing hour after lunch time.


That is what makes morning the appropriate time for me to be reminded of God's unfailing love, of His promise to be with me always, of His mercies which are new each morning, of the hope and strength and purpose that He provides.  With each passing hour that I am away, my heart is prone to wander, to become self-sufficient and self-reliant.  By 5 o'clock, I can be so weary and frazzled (from doing my day according to me, by my strength and thresholds, measured by my designated to do list progress and so on) that it isn't until I yell in impatience at some family member that I see how far my heart is from Him.


The God of Israel spoke, the Rock of Israel said to me: ‘When one rules over people in righteousness, when he rules in the fear of God, he is like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning, like the brightness after rain that brings grass from the earth.’  2 Sam. 23:3-5


Jesus is this ruler, both the Rock and God of Israel and the king better than David, ruling in perfect righteousness without any sin.  He is just and the One who justifies.  His rule, unlike Adam's, is not to increase His own position but to bring forth greater life than existed before...bringing grass from the earth, like the brightness after rain!


I went for an incredible run alone Saturday morning, out my front door and down Hollowell toward Northside Drive.  It isn't what you would call a beautiful course with trash littering much of the ground beside the sidewalk, storefronts boarded over and covered in graffiti, holes in what sidewalk I could find and then a total lack of sidewalk when I came to the most dangerous part of the run under a train bridge.  And yet, it was exhilarating to be out in my neighborhood, returning waves and good mornings from homeless men sitting in abandoned doorways, a "you go!" encouragement from the guard at some apartments along my way, getting a hug from a neighbor at a bus stop near our house on my return (and realizing the bus driver who slowed and then passed probably thought I was a prostitute - hee hee), a wave and a honk from another neighbor heading out to do errands and feeling the gratitude in my heart that I can call this my neighborhood.


The enthusiasm I felt did not match what was plain to the naked eye, but it totally matched that description of Jesus being like the light of morning at sunrise on a cloudless morning.  He is King and is redeeming all things, making all things new.  Most importantly, that means the hearts of His people.  But not far behind is the actual earth itself.  I have been invited into this particular area of His redemptive work and can pick up trash or plant grass or grow flowers to life spring forth from areas that have been forgotten, abandoned, rejected, disregarded and forsaken.  Better yet, He is making me new and using this place to redeem my heart.


Last week, as I was walking home from a neighbor's house, a man walking down the street in dirty clothes and one of those silky bandanna like head coverings stopped me to ask if I wanted some corn.  He caught me in a weary moment, feeling wary of people always wanting something, and I told him no, thanks, I didn't have any money.  He said, "Are you sure?  I don't have any way of cooking them and just wanted the tomatoes.  I got them from the library and don't want you to pay me for them. You can just have them if you'll eat them."  I was amazed and humbled and so grateful.  "Really!?!"  I asked, showing my surprise at a gift from a wandering stranger.  "Yes, here."  Then he came with his brown bag, gave me four ears of corn still in the husk, and said, "God bless you."  Indeed, He just has.

Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.  Lamentations 3:21-23