My heart is aching, as it seems to do on a regular basis these days, and its so hard to sort out my sin from the stirrings of God. It is becoming more clear that they are not to be separated...His stirrings are like the tweezers removing a splinter from my foot. It hurts but its also the only way to run freely. The ache shows me what is true about my own heart and what He wants me to believe about His.
I continue to see that I have self glory lust, pining for my own praises and fame. I also see that He is gracious and gentle, not condemning me for what He already suffered on my behalf. Instead, He is persuading me that His glory and praise is so much more satisfying because they are aimed at something that lasts forever and is truer and more beautiful than any other object of praise.
"I'd rather have Jesus" is for now something that I must now grab hold of in moments where I find myself sinking in the mire of my own brokenness. But He is tuning my heart to sing His praise that one day, I can sing the whole thing with integrity on sunny days just as truthfully as rainy ones.
So what am I aching over?
For today is the longing and waiting and dreaming of living in Grove Park with neighbors who have different colored skin than we do and a different cultural history and different stories from which our hearts have so much to learn. I want to grow with them, understanding that the Kingdom of God is made up of every people group, language, nation and even neighborhood.
For today it is the longing and waiting and dreaming of adopting multiple children who are family-less not because I can handle anything more in my daily responsibilities but because God didn't adopt me out of boredom or convenience. I want to provide a mother and father for the motherless and fatherless, a home for a little one who is homeless and taste of His Kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.
For today it is the waiting on publishing my first book about the Gospel that I could begin to share this very good news of the person and work of Jesus as I never knew it and am just barely beginning to understand, even as I lived a Chrsitian life for so many years.
So I ache and long and wait and dream. And I trust and believe and ask God to turn my inwardly bent heart toward its only rightful resting place in Him.
This is the day the Lord has made, just as it is today, just I am today, and I will rejoice and be glad it because I trust that He is good all the time and all of His ways are right and true and more life-giving than my best plans.
4 months ago
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2 comments:
Oh, I just found you via Melissa, and God's hand on your posts is so awesome. Oh the wisdom coming through your thoughts, and Oh, the reminder that God is at work in a HUGE way. How can HE be speaking and teaching the EXACT same things to so many? There is no doubt in my mind that He is at work in this "much bigger than us" move to international adoption. You have said so well, so intelligently, what I am learning from Him. Thank you for sharing and I can't wait to read more. We too, have been called to adopt and we believe from Uganda. We have 3 kids, and yet, just like you... are being called to more, not because we can handle it, in fact because we are just "crazy" enough to know that only HE can do it. :) I'm beginning the process with a home, but we must WAIT (ha, get used to that right?) until we see where my husband's next job with the company will have us, (GA or AL) really can't do a HS until we know which state. Can't wait to read more. God Bless your journey.
Isn't it so much more interesting to live in His Kingdom than in our own? My ideas seem awesome to me until I encounter His and then I realize why its better that my little lame kingdom be put out of business. I look forward to all of our little kids playing together one day...either here or Alabama. As disorienting as it is, all the unknowns ahead of you are so exciting...Aslan is on the move indeed!
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