The Stories We Tell

I'm a talker and that is an understatement.  I have a lot of words that tend to be downloaded on the first person I really want to "connect" with relationally.  The thing about connection, however, is that it implies a two way exchange.  My one way dumping of thoughts, stories, experiences and monologue reveals that the other person involved is really only as necessary as their fascination and delight in all that I am "sharing" with them. 

I attended a ministry presentation the other night of an organization I really like.  But the entire time I was there, the stories were about the people who were serving, how they were change makers, how they had blessed this town and that person and how we too should consider doing big things for God.  This came on the heels of my reading a charge from a Christian author to "start living in such a way that we could hope to hear God tell us 'Well done, my good and faithful servant!'"

Am I suggesting that we shouldn't?  Not necessarily, but I do find it interesting that while Jesus and God are mentioned as the ones we are doing it for, there is little other mention of their work in these stories.  The stories, like mine in my own living room, are all about the things the storyteller accomplished or said or observed.  But, I never heard how the person and work of Jesus was necessary for the actual accomplishment. 

How did God change the heart of the storyteller through this experience?  What did they begin to believe about God through this ministry that they had not really believed before?  How did these events and projects show them more of their need for His grace and how did His grace cover that need and effect genuine change?  How did their ministry increase reliance upon the person and work of Jesus and decrease reliance upon self?  What insufficiencies in their own character, vision, understanding, relationships, abilities were exposed by this experience and then releived by the sufficiency of His grace?  2 Corinthians 12:9

Without the person and work of Jesus, (the only person and work for whom "Well done my good and faithful servant" ultimately applies because He is the only one able to say, "It is finished!"), the only counsel being offered from one believer to another is "do what I did" or "do more and try harder!"  Am I still working to hear God say "well done" about my efforts and achievements, or do I believe Paul when he said that "in Him we live and move and have our being?" (Acts. 17:28)  Do I believe that it is God who works in me to will and to act according to His good purpose (Phil. 2:13) or do I really think I'm acting independently and surprising Him with helpfulness for His Kindgom?  God made Him who had no sin become sin so that I may become His righteousness.

My story can either highlight His willing me to act (which means overriding mine) and His acting in me for His good purpose, because every particle of my being and moving and living is now to be hidden within the completed work of Jesus, or my story can tell of my will, my acting, and the apparent bonus righteousness I expect to receive on top of what has already been secured and promised me in Christ Jesus.  Is there bonus righteous in addition to what Jesus earned from fulfilling every letter of the law and crediting it to us?

Oh would I, would we as believers, begin to see God as the author and perfecter of  faith and not our own wills and works. 

These are the kinds of stories (those of God's authoring and perfecting) that require a group telling and actually build faith because its in relationship that we see the heart changes God is most interested in working.  Maybe the tale won't be about the house I built for the poor family but will be my friend telling how I was more pleasant to work with because God had changed my need to micromanage or had made me more patient or less irritable when frustrations occured on the work site. 

"Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, 'The LORD has done great things for them.'"Psalm 126:2

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:20-21

Scotty's Prayer About Who/What Brings Us Peace from 2/7/10

"Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!" "Peace in heaven and glory in the highest!" Some of the Pharisees in the crowd said to Jesus, "Teacher, rebuke your disciples!" "I tell you," he replied, "if they keep quiet, the stones will cry out." As he approached Jerusalem and saw the city, he wept over it and said, "If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace…” Luke 19:38-42


Dear Lord Jesus, the ache within our hearts for peace is unrelenting. Let me get specific, the ache within MY heart is unrelenting. Though I already rest in you-plus-nothing, for my forgiveness and righteousness, I still get sucker-punched by the tantalizing illusion that peace can be found in something or someone else.

Some days, Jesus, I’m just like Esau. My peace-pangs take over and, in the moment, I’ll gladly settle for a bowl of hot portage over the hope of a future banquet. The provision of a snack-in-hand blinds my eye, deafens my ear, dulls my taste buds to the sumptuous fare of the Wedding Feast of the Lamb… the only Day when my longing and demanding heart will be fully set free to delight in you. “Maranatha!” Even so, Lord Jesus, come… hasten that Day!

Some days, Jesus, I get lost in the world of “if only.” If only there were no tensions in any of my relationships, I’d be a happy man. If only the phone wouldn’t ring again, demanding a little more of me than I have to offer, I’d be fine. If only I lived somewhere else… worked with different people… had a different body… had more money… had less hassles… had a different spouse… had never been deeply wounded… were twenty years younger…

But right now I hear you say to me, “If you, even you, had only known on this day what would bring you peace…” Indeed, Jesus, you alone… this day and every day… are the Prince of Peace. Only in union with you… only in communion with you do I find the true and sufficient peace for which I long. “Ain’t no rock gonna take my place…” I gladly cry out, “Blessed is the king who comes in the name of the Lord!”, for you, Jesus, are the king of glory and grace.

Until the Day of consummate peace, continue to free me from dangerous illusions and please steer my feet away from the path to the dark forest of “if only.” So very Amen, I pray, in your passionate and persistent name.

Scotty Smith

Pastor for Preaching, Teaching and Worship

Christ Community Church, Franklin, Tn.

Treasure

"Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." Matthew 6:21

"Out of the overflow of the mouth, the heart speaks." Matt. 12:34

This first verse is not rocket science.  We can see it in other people easily.  For example, my children might find their newest toy (or costume or balloon) to be their greatest treasure (for the moment) and woe to the person who interferes (or breaks or loses) that treasure.  Because their heart's affection has been so placed upon that thing, their response to other people is directly influenced by the way that other person respects, cherishes and honors that treasure.  We quickly forget that people are more important than stuff when the stuff becomes the treasure and the treasure is threatened.  And, what my heart most treasures is more easily exposed by my words and actions than I like to acknowledge.

So, when I gave the example yesterday of trying too hard to embody the Gospel, my sweet husband rightfully pointed out that it sounded like I was confessing my greatest sin to be loving Jesus too much - how lame.  Give us something good like gluttony or addiction or adultery...not the Hillary Clinton confession of "I just care too much!"

What nobody could really know outside of my own realization, though, is that insight given to me from the outside wasn't that I love Jesus too much but that my treasure wasn't Jesus at all.  I love me too much, my voice, my ideas, my thoughts, my perspective, my experiences and my communication.  Like a salesman who may have a great product but is so aggressive and so focused on the sale rather than the person's need, my treasure can easily be my ability to communicate and not Jesus or the person in front of me who He loves far more than I do.  When it turns out I have communicated poorly, been misinterpreted or even had something ugly yet true seen by others that I couldnt' even see myself, it becomes clear from my immediate disorientation that my treasure has been threatened, may be broken or lost.  I panic, get irritable, feel a sense of loss and condemnation because my heart has been wrapped around a treasure that does perish, spoil and fade. 

Yes, even ministry and the communication of the Gospel can become an idol, a Jesus replacement, a source of self-righteousness and is easily my treasure far more than the One about whom it claims to be.  But because its such a good thing, it is so much easier not to see how I take it and treasure it more than the person and work of Jesus Himself.  I begin to look toward my visible/tangible accomplishments as the source of life and for my sense of well-being rather than to the Giver of Life.  I begin to find my righteousness in service (teaching, adoption, racial reconciliation, neighborhood, school, relational health, reputation, etc.) rather than in the only One who clothes me in His righteousness alone.

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. Phil. 3:8-9

Help My Unbelief

When I posed the questions last week (Checking into the Hospital), inviting close friends and family to identify the "blind spots" of my faith and where the Gospel still (yes, until the very end) has redemptive work to do in me, the responses varied.  The initial questions about the exercise itself that came in e-mails in conversations included dismay that I would want to focus on the negative, make people tell me what they didn't like about me or point out my imperfections when "you have so much that we all love about you" and besides, we all have flaws so no need to drag one another through the mud.  Whats the deal with all this sin talk anyway?  Lets just focus on God's grace and love!

Hearing the discomfort with acknowledging sin reinforced how little we are comforted by grace.  The "ouch and ahhh" of the Gospel, (thank you Anne) includes "Ouch!  My SIN!" and "Ahhh...His grace flows down and covers me."  The need to avoid talking about the specifics of my flaws only exists because I am not convinced that the person and work of Jesus really is sufficient to relieve me (or my love ones) of the guilt and shame of my sin AND to bring about the progressive transformation into His image.

So, what if we think of it differently.  What if we begin to hear talk about sin not with the goal of condemnation but as opportunity to believe this Gospel more than we honestly do.  Consider this example:  A man is on a cruise which cost him every penny of his savings.  Because he has no more money, he sits in his cabin during all the meals eating the crackers he packed for the trip.  Would it be negative, shaming or mean spirited for another passenger to let him know the lavish meals in the dining room were included in his fare?  Would it be "nicer" for them to leave him alone to his sorry, stale, dry crackers when he could be feasting on every delicacy known to man and already paid for by his boarding ticket?

When my specific sins are identified, my specific areas of unbelief are also identified and I am invited out of my lonely room with "stale crackers faith" into the dining room feast of more delicious, mouth watering, belly filling belief in the true God.  For example, my sin of anger usually comes when I can't control something.  The Gospel reminds me that God is in control so I don't have to be.  When I start to believe the outcome rests on me and what I can see, I start to sink in the water and curse at everyone as I am going down.  My sin exposes my unbelief and the Gospel shows me Who better to believe in than myself, to trust in than myself, and to feast on rather than my stale crackers.  Why would I not want more of that?

Let me give you an example from one of the responses:

5. Where do you see that I am trusting myself for my well being more than trusting my Father?

I think that you want to "embody the gospel", which is a great aim, but sometimes you try too hard to make people see the gospel, rather than trusting that God is working on them in his own time.

The ouch of the Gospel (the bad news) is that I try to hard to make people see the Gospel.  I am not believing God can do it without my help.  I am not trusting that He will do more and better for His Kingdom to come than I can.  Rather than loving the people in front of me, they feel attacked, feel patronized, feel stupid, feel unloved, feel like a project, feel like an obstacle to my agenda, and who knows what else.  My unbelief is exposed by the fact that I am trusting my own ability, my own sheer will "rather than trusting that God is working on them in his own time."  The Ahhh of the Gospel (the good news) is not only that His grace is sufficient to cover over my offenses against people in this respect, but it then invites my faith to grow in trust that He is able to draw men to Himself, to open eyes, give sight, wisdom and understanding.  Its His story, they are His people, and I am invited to trust Him to effectively work it out in those I love rather than believing it depends on me and must happen this very minute.   Ahhh, I can rest in that trust and then love freely because the outcome is in His hands, not my striving.

Until I am shown my blind spots, I am missing out on those opportunities to believe more about His person and work.  I want to know where I am settling for my own person and work (where my dry cracker meals  expose my sin and unbelief) instead of enjoying and filling up on the feast that has already been provided!

If we claim to be without sin, we decieve ourselves and the truth is not in us.  1 John 1:8

Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed.  So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith.  Gal. 3:23-24

So then, the law is holy, and the commandment is holy, righteous and good. Did that which is good, then, become death to me? By no means! But in order that sin might be recognized as sin, it produced death in me through what was good, so that through the commandment sin might become utterly sinful...For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Romans 7: 13, 22-25


I do believe in the person and work of Jesus on behalf, but I still need so much help with (and awareness of) my unbelief!

Refiner's Fire

I have no idea what decade that song came out (Refiner's Fire), but I picture myself singing with eyes closed, earnestly begging for God's fire to purify my heart, let me be as gold, and purest silver...I want to be holy!  (As the song's lyrics go, anyway.)  But the minute agitation comes, whether from life's attack on me or my attack on others, its interesting how quickly I seem to forget that deeply felt plea.

This weekend, I listened again to a podcast of David Powlinson's counseling class through the Christian Counseling and Education Foundation.  This particular lecture was on prayer and is one I should be reminded of it regularly.  He described the typical prayer requests that people receive and give (health/sickness, salvation of loved ones, job responsibilities, employment and finances, relationship struggles, etc.) and noted that they are almost exclusively for the situations people are in and for those situations to be fixed or have a certain outcome.  Its not that these types of prayers do not have Biblical precedent, but they are not enough in themselves nor the foucs of God's redemptive emphasis throughout history.

What we ask for most in prayer is that God would in some way effect change in our circumstances.  Rarely do we request prayer for God to change us through our circumstances.  Rarely do you hear someone say, "I am going in to have surgery next week and it has made realize that I am really fearful.  Would you please pray for the surgeon's hands, of course, but would you pray even more that God would increase my belief in His control over all things, no matter the outcome?"  Or how about, "I'm just feeling really depressed.  My job is sucking the life out of me, I don't feel like I have any truly deep friendships and all I do is eat to escape these heavy feelings.  I'm realizing that I am looking to all these things for peace and satisfaction and even validation of my existence and they just can't provide it.  Would you please pray that in the context of this down place where I am, I would begin to know the satisfaction of God's love, presence and purpose in a way I never really have believed it before?"

At some point in our Christian experience, we genuinely ask God to make us more into His image, more like Him, less of us and more of Him.  So, He brings the refining fire either by life's mundane and menial tasks which threaten to suck the life out of us or by the monsoon events which threaten to drown us.  In either case, the goal is the very desire we most want:  (James 1) to be complete, perfect, not lacking anything...Jesus.

"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean. "Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men's bones and everything unclean. In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness. Matthew 23:25-28

But I much prefer to ask you to pray for my circumstances because that is safer, less invasive, and less threatening.  We can all keep our eyes a nice distance away from the real elephant in the room, which is my faith.  My faith which is full of doubt, full of demands and almost exclusively full of me.  Just like the Pharisee, my greatest concern is for the external rather than my own heart.  The ironic thing, as Powlinson pointed out, is that when we start praying for heart changes, we actually see God at work more visibly, effecting change that no program or resolve of the will ever could. Rather than a community of despair which is created by a faith placed in external change, a community of faith is grown as God's power at work inside of us is seen and praised!

No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Hebrews 12:11

Its not that Jesus can't calm the storm threatening to capsize my boat.  But thankfully, He is so much more interesting in "stilling" the waters of my heart, so that like Him, I too can rest peacefully in the boat regardless of the weather.  Can I begin to see my circumstances, from the monotonous daily grind to the more visible situational churnings, as the context for God's redeeming work in my heart?  Can my prayer requests begin to express just enough belief about God's sovereignty and commitment to my heart that they would begin to focus more on the improvements needed there rather than simply desired in my circumstances?

The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart. 1 Sam. 16:7

"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33

Detour or Design?

Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Phil. 3:12

I am in a hurry.  I've always been in a hurry.  I talk fast, I eat fast, I try to run fast.  When a decision is reached about something in our lives, (selling a house, building the next house, adopting a baby, publishing a book, training our children in the Gospel, teaching them to read, etc.), I want to get 'er done yesterday!  In the few years that I took piano lessons as a child, I wanted to practice minimally and play perfectly.  That didn't really happen, of course.

The same is true for the "being made holy" (Heb. 10:14) process between my spiritual adoption and ultimate glorification as God's Beloved.  Since I think I know the goal, I'd like to hurry up and get 'er done.  I assume that if I can just put together a good sanctification strategic plan and commit to longer hours with more diligent effort, I can just speed this process up.

But, based on the history that has already occured between Genesis 3 and now, it doesn't seem that God is in my same kind of urgent hurry.  He is perfectly content with process.  He is not anxious to rapidly perfect His people.  The Israelites did not realize, as Edmund Clowney noted, that God’s purpose for leading them in what turned out to be a longer journey than required by a map, “was not rapid transportation. It was education.” In the desert, God wanted them to learn who He was and in response, who they were. For the Master Teacher, it is not enough for His people to just have this information, it needs to become part of them.

Paul acknowledges that he has neither obtained all that the Gospel promises him nor been perfected, but he can keep on because the certainty of its realization is the very reason Jesus has taken hold of him!  (Note that its not Paul taking hold of Jesus, nor finding Jesus, nor chasing Jesus.)  Think of it like Will Call at a concert for which you won tickets.  Your tickets are already paid for, the concert is going to be awesome, so you wait in line taking slow steps forward to eventually claim your prize.  The prize is certain, nobody is going to steal it and since you didn't really earn it, you can't lose it.

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Cor. 15:58

My hurry to go ahead and attain the perfections of Jesus has so much more to do with my reputation and image than His.  I don't like labor.  I don't like practice.  And I surely don't like people to hear me playing the wrong notes.  I want to play my imaging role perfectly now without any mistakes.  My impatience with the process is another indication that I somehow think this detour in the desert could be avoided or must be a mistake, but certainly not God's sovereign script for His glory.

What if God, choosing to show his wrath and make his power known, bore with great patience the objects of his wrath—prepared for destruction? What if he did this to make the riches of his glory known to the objects of his mercy, whom he prepared in advance for glory— even us, whom he also called, not only from the Jews but also from the Gentiles? Romans 9:22-24

OK, last analogy that few people will know unless you're a super cool product of the 80's.  The Karate Kid.  Mr. Miyagi, in training the young bullied Daniel, was constantly making him do menial chores like painting, waxing cars and tending a bonsai tree.  Daniel grew so impatient with each of these "distractions" because he just wanted to learn karate so he could take on the bullies who had been tormenting him.  As it turned out, those seemingly irrelevant chores were the very intentionally designed training regimen of Mr. Miyagi which provided the very karate technique that would make him a champion. 

So, perhaps eventually I will calm down, settle down, slow down and trust my Master Teacher even in what seem like the off course, distracted or detoured moments of His story told through my life.

But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope. Galatians 5:5

I've Got it Covered

A few years ago, such tension had arisen with a close friend of mine that we hardly spent any time together and when we did, there was no topic of coversation safe enough to engage in without fear of disagreement or frustration.  When we finally talked, she reluctantly but passionately unloaded all the ways I had wounded her by my words, attitudes and even by my distance.  While certainly some of her criticisms were not entirely fair, a very good number were right on the money.  And oh, it stung.  That crucial conversation, much like an effective operation, took the first powerful step toward healing and restoration, but it also left me absolutely drained of energy and emotion.

The truth of my offenses was so condemning to my heart...not only that I had to see the truth of my lovelessness but to discover that my hidden sin (even to me consciously much of the time) was in fact quite visible to her and had actually cut deep, felt like I was drowning.

What, then, shall we say in response to this? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son, but gave him up for us all—how will he not also, along with him, graciously give us all things? Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:31-34

Are these verses telling me, "forget her...God loves you so it doesn't matter!"  In His redemptive plan and by His powerful grace, no, this is not at all what it says!  Paul is saying that because God loves me and has fully accepted and forgiven and covered my mess with His mercy (a Scotty phrase), it can finally matter very much.  I no longer have to justify myself because He has justified me.  I no longer have to defend or hide my sin because He has died and risen to deal with it once for all.  I no longer stand condemned, not because someone just misunderstood me but because they understood exactly why it is that I need Jesus every day and have reminded me too.

I, a minister of the Gospel, who adamently claims before others it is not by my works but by His grace, should not be so shocked to discover that I actually NEED His grace.  The only reason I have had such a hard time, for my whole life, accepting criticism is that I have found myself so far above reproach that quite honestly there really was no reason for Jesus to die.  Grace, in practice in my life, was little more than what southern people say before a meal. (again, stolen from Scotty)

To paraphrase my friend Anne, its not more self-consciousness that I need but more Gospel awareness.  When the conflict with my friend exposed some shameful truths about my relationship to her, it was like I had been stripped naked and felt all that one would if so publicly exposed.  Like Adam and Eve, my impulse was to cover myself in the fig leaves of defensiveness, blaming, excusing, denying or simply, as they did, running and hiding behind a tree.  But what was true about who they were was just as true before they were able to see it themselves, it was just now they had been given the ability to see it.

But also like Adam and Eve, God used this conflict redemptively to show me my shame that He could clothe me in His dignity.  Without that exposure, I would have continued to feel satisfied by my own sense of righteousness which carries with it a very small need for Jesus' covering. 

It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. 1 Cor. 1:30

The conflict was as much unsettling to me for the specifics as it was for the fact that everyone always had liked me.  I was likeable.  I was a lover not a fighter. (:  I'm happy Jane, friendly Jane, nice Jane.  And lurking under this reputation I had of myself, was likeable Jane righteousness.  Perfect friend righteousness.  Never offending others righteousness.   Always saying the right thing righteousness.  When the very person I imagined I was came under attack, the wind was knocked out of me.  God was bringing a far better righteousness into my heart than my filthy rags and fig leaves. 

In one of the first most significant ways, He was asking me to believe that it is in Jesus alone that I have my righteousness, holiness and redemption.  My horrified and traumatized reaction to having my sin exposed equally unveiled my unbelief that I stand firmly in the righteousness of Jesus alone and am therefore no longer condemned.

Extreme Home Makeover

I used to love watching those design shows on HGTV where a family or individual would win the privilege of having a room or sometimes two totally recreated by a professional.  The rooms would often start out as little more than utilitarian and end up so extraordinary it would make you just want to live in your new kitchen or bathroom.  Extreme Home Makeover is one of those shows that goes even further, sometimes finding such dilapidated homes and turning them into something close to a resort.  Because the extraordinary metamorphosis was always certain and was the whole point of the endeavor, I thought it was funny when on some show the homeowner would feel hurt or defensive about some aspect of the room that was about to be demolished.  I felt like reminding them, "You called THEM because you know what an eye sore this room is!  Who cares why you chose that paint color ten years ago...it is going to be so much better in about half an hour t.v. time!"

But, its just not much different than me with my own heart's "boring paint colors" and utilitarian habits. I know my heart is not always inviting, warm or cozy and that the clutter and knick knacks that have accumulated there can be exhausting to be around, but its familiar and in that way, safe.  What if I don't like the redesign Jesus has in mind?  What if He asks me to throw out that awesome collection of trophies and memorabilia that lines its walls?

But truthfully, when I visit a home where "stuff" fills every bit of floor and wall space, it does feel claustrophobic and kind of stressful, actually.  When the "stager" came to our home before we put it on the market and made us put most of our stuff in storage, it felt bleak and empty.  But pretty soon we also noticed it felt bigger, cleaner, more inviting, and far more restful without all that stuff we thought we could never live out.

"Hallelujah!  For our Lord God Almighty reigns.  Let us rejoice and be glad and give him glory!  For the wedding of the Lamb has come, and his bride has made herself ready.  Fine linen, bright and clean, was given her to wear."  (Fine linen stands for the righteous acts of the saints.)  Rev. 19:7-8

In the first year after Chad was born, my mom graciously sent help in the form of the kindest woman to clean our home every other week.  But this gift wore me out so much that I ended up discontinuing it.  Before she came each time, I would scurry around cleaning up so she wouldn't think we were total pigs!  With a newborn baby, it was just too much.  Rediculous, right?  The very point of her coming was to clean for us so that I could rest and take care of my children, but I missed the gift (and neglected my children) because of my pride and desire to just have her do the details, the finishing touches if you will.

My Christian life is no dfferent.  I read "made herself ready" in places like the verses above, skipped some words and then returned to focus on "righteous acts of the saints."  The words my Christian Pharisee relgious self missed?  "was given her to wear."  She made herself ready by putting on the righteous acts given her to wear!  Jesus fulfilled the Law for all the saints (who could not ever do it themselves after Adam), exhaustively and perfectly, and clothes me in HIS righteous acts.  What good does it do to defend the tacky, clausterphobic areas of my heart and scurry around trying to clean it all the time when I have been gifted with His heart makeover?

"I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband.  And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, 'Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them.  They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.  He will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.' 

He who was seated on the throne said, 'I am making everything new!'  Then he said, 'Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true.'" Rev. 21:2-5 (bold mine)

Checking in to the Hospital

In the past two months I have visited two beloved family members in two separate hospitals, one admitted for a serious and severe infection and the other for a heart procedure.  There are many things that strike you about hospitals:  the rooms never vary and are never particularly "cozy", they are not actually restful because of the constant stream of nurses coming to take your vital signs, and they place the patient at the mercy of any visitor who wants to come in and stay as long as he or she pleases. 

Its along the lines of that last one that I especially noticed, though not for the first time, the utter indignity of the patient's experience.  In both cases, with visitors standing around, nurses asked about urine samples and referenced other such private matters.  As if its not bad enough already to be lying vulnerably in a "gown" that is anything other than what the name suggests!

But here is the final thing I observed in both situations:  neither one of these patients acted embarrassed, irritated or even resentful of their situation.  In fact, both gave the genuine impression that they were delighted to see us (I brought Ellie and Chad to both), happy to have us there and in no great hurry to be relieved of our seeing eyes and hearing ears to all that was going on.

In some ways the answer is obvious.  These indignities, much like that of childbirth where I suddenly had a whole audience of medical personnel where nobody ever should be, just don't matter a whole lot in the context of why the patient is there.  They are all pretty insignificant in comparison to the consequences of not being in the hospital for a threatening infection or heart failure.  In both of the above cases, their health was being restored and that was worth far more than any uncomfortable exposure in the process.

I've always known and delighted in the fact that Jesus did not come for the healthy but for the sick.  Who doesn't love that, really?  But I rarely genuinely think myself that sick.  Sure, I've got a little head cold, but it will pass.  Yeah, my knee aches every now and then but thats just part of the deal.  Mostly, I see myself as the visitor in the room, healthy, fully clothed and in no real need of a doctor.  And this is how I know that I just don't really get the Gospel at all.

I am the sick, every day, with a fatal infection and a heart that is sucking out my energy and threatening to end me.  I just don't see it.  And as I long as I can't see it, I don't see any reason to be stripped down in front of others having my urine discussed publicly.  And as long as I think whatever ails me can be lived with, ignored or totally explained away, I will not be desperate to be checked into the hospital and see my Doctor immediately.  And by the way, I am not speaking of a salvation moment but of my ongoing need to be restored to His perfect image.

So here is a good diagnostic test.  This set of questions is just a start, maybe barely scratching the surface.  The answers aren't intended to give me a new to-do list of things that need self-perfecting.  The answers have a far more powerful and beautiful aim: heart surgery that I cannot perform on myself and can only be trusted to the One who is greater than our hearts.  I can't answer the questions myself because I just can't see my need for a Redeemer the way those who live with me can. So, these must be asked of close friends and family who love me enough to help me see how I can experience more of the person and work of Jesus in my life.  The goal is NOT condemnation and the making of personal improvement goals.  The goal is to see how current my need for a Redeemer is and that I have One!

1.  How do you usually feel after spending time with me?
2.  What can you see that I value most (and am finding my life's value in most) by the way I spend my time/money?  or What rises to a level of importance for me that has a negative impact on others?
3.  When things are out of whack, how do I usually respond?  What seems to be the theme of my anger? 
4.  How do I determine success?
5.  Where do you see that I am trusting myself for my well being more than trusting my Father?
6.  How do you see me trying to redeem myself?

Here is what Paul Miller wrote:

Less mature Christians have little need to pray.  When they look at their hearts (which they rarely do,) they seldom see jealousy.  They are barely aware of impatience.  Instead, they are frustrated by all the slow people they keep running into.  Less mature Christians are quick to give advice.  There is no complexity to their worlds because the answers are simple - "just do what I say, and your life will be easier."  I know all this because the "they" I've been talking about is actually me.

As we mature as Christians, we see more and more of our sinful natures, but at the same time we see more and more of Jesus.  As we see our weaknesses more clearly, we begin to grasp our need for more grace.

May God himself, the God of peace, sanctify you through and through. May your whole spirit, soul and body be kept blameless at the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. The one who calls you is faithful and he will do it. 1 Thess. 5:23-24

Judge Not?

If I've been outside playing with my kids and I notice they have mud all over their pants, which will surely get all over our house, do I not tell them just because I probably have mud on me somewhere too?  Instead, can't we be free to laugh as they in turn point out that I also have mud on my shoes and the back of my sleeve where I cannot see it, and even somehow got a huge smear of mud across my forehead?    Of course we would!  We could laugh at our mess rather than being embarrassed by it because the solution would be simple: strip off those muddy clothes and jump in the shower or bath.

When such a simple solution is readily available, how absurd would it be to deny that we were actually muddy, or to run to our corners of the house to either hide our mud or to sit and sulk because someone pointed it out?  It would be rediculous to just let all that mud get smeared around the house (and eventually make it smellier than it already seems to be) because somehow we thought it would be "nicer" not to point out the gross state of one another. 

Or consider an even greater danger after being outside:  ticks!  Do I not want someone to comb through my hair to be certain a little creature wasn't lurking within, getting fat on my blood and infecting me?  Why then, when these are so obvious, do I do exactly the opposite in regard to my sin?  I consider it a great offense, a dibilitating wound and a relationship bomb to be told of the mud and ticks of sin visible by others, infecting me worse than a disease and causing my surroundings to stink.

With mud I can run upstairs and shower.  With a tick, I can just hand some tweezers to a trusted friend.  Ahh, and here is what is exposed:  1) I find the problem of my sin shameful, condemning and life-sucking (which it is) so I absolutely cannot have anyone see it. 2) I don't believe Jesus bears the full burden of my sin, nor do I believe He "showers" me even as He tweezes my sin out of my heart and places it fully on His record instead.  3) I cannot handle #1 because I do not believe #2 because deep down where I don't even realize it, my confidence lies far more in my faithfulness than in that of Jesus alone.  If, however, I no longer live but Christ lives in me, why would I care so much that the dying Jane is clearly not perfect when the living Jesus is?  Why would I be so embarrassed for others to see that just like my faith claims, I genuinely do need a Redeemer?

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matt. 7:1-5

Apart from the Gospel, I always read this to mean "Do not point out the mud, you muddy one!"  The thinking quickly becomes, "Hey, we've all got issues.  Therefore, live and let live."  But it doesn't say that at all.  It says, essentially, "first deal with your own mud then you can help your muddy brother."  And if I'm stuck back at #1 without #2, I have no way of dealing with my own mud because there is no shower and there are no tweezers that I can use on my own effectively.  My sin is embarrassing if my faithfulness in the eyes of others is more important than their seeing His faithfulness to redeem even me.

God presented him as a sacrifice of atonement, through faith in his blood. He did this to demonstrate his justice, because in his forbearance he had left the sins committed beforehand unpunished— he did it to demonstrate his justice at the present time, so as to be just and the one who justifies those who have faith in Jesus. Where, then, is boasting? It is excluded. On what principle? On that of observing the law? No, but on that of faith. Romans 3:25-27

God is the only just judge because He knows what really dwells in my heart.  Those who think I'm flawless can't see the sin that God can see.  To ignore sin would not be just.  But He is also the one who justifies me - not pardons - but transfers my guilt to Jesus and transfers His innocense to me.  If I am only pointing out someone's mud and ticks without also including Jesus' shower and tweezers, I am offering only condemnation and shame.  When I only see someone's sin, I am not seeing the covering of Jesus over their shame and certainly not offering to cover them as He has covered me.  His judgment sees the grossest truths of my sin and justifies me fully through the person and work of Jesus.   Only in this context can I rightly help my muddy brother.

Wouldn't it be great if we could be more willing to see our own mud, have others search out our ticks and do so gratefully with lighter hearts, because we really started to believe and trust more in His faithfulness than our own?  For who makes you different from anyone else? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as though you did not?  1 Cor. 4:7

I'm so glad to be tasting this kind of Gospel community now, and enjoying just a few of these kind of Gospel friendships, but oh how I long for it to become the norm rather than the exception to the rule!

Beloved

The cynic in all of us rolls our eyes at Valentine's Day...one more commercial hijacking of our world. 

But what if it stirs in us that deep down longing to be cherished, to be romanced, to be focused upon, to be adored and praised and the undistracted center of somebody's gaze?  What if that subtle (or not so secret) disappointment at the end of the day, even for those who are taken on lavish dates, isn't all bad?  What if all these things serve to remind me that none of the people around me can ever satisfy those deep places as the One who calls us Beloved?  What if they remind me of my demands that another person who is equally in need of a redeemer, through candies and cards and a prescribed level of affection, somehow serve as the Lover of my soul as he or she was never made or able to do?

Song of Solomon tells me how His unreasonable, undeserved, demerited love views me:
Like a lily among thorns is my darling among the maidens. 2:2
for your voice is sweet, and your face is lovely. 2:14
All beautiful you are, my darling; there is no flaw in you. 4:7

How beautiful you are and how pleasing, O love, with your delights! 7:6

Wait, this also means that Proverbs 31 isn't demanding that I be like Martha Stewart after all!  It means, this is who God already declares me to be because of the work of Jesus and who I am assuredly becoming through His perfecting work:

Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value. v11

She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. v25
 
About Benjamin he said: "Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders." Deut. 33:12
 
I am fully, completely and consistently loved as sweet and lovely, flawless, pleasing, beautiful, with strength and dignity, secure and lacking nothing of value!  This is God's assessment of me...not because He is blind to the times when I am not actually these things, but because He knows who He is making to me be and who I already am credited to be by the perfections of Jesus.
 
Oh would I quit looking for this complete, deep, thirst quenching love from those who are equally in need and instead turn to the One who provides all the riches of His full inheritance to us.  To know how long and high and wide and deep is the love of God that I may in turn love others well as I demand less of them and believe more of Him.
 
In the words of Scotty Smith:

"I belong to my lover, and his desire is for me." (Song of Songs 7:10) Jesus, as you fulfill the true meaning of these words in our hearts, help us offer one another a tantalizing taste of such sumptuous fare. Indeed, your love alone is enough.

 

Grant me… grace me with a deeper and richer experience of belonging to you, Jesus. You’re the ultimate Spouse. I know this, but I want to KNOW it. One moment I believe you truly desire me, and in the next I’m filled with disconcerting unbelief. It’s in those times when I’m not alive to your pursuit of me, love for me and delight in me that I place unrealistic demands on other relationships. Instead of a steward, I become a user of others. Instead of a servant, I take up a scorecard to measure them by my expectations. Forgive me and free me from all such nonsense.

Let me love as you love me, until the day my betrothal becomes the day of great banqueting—the Day I long for more than any other… the Wedding Feast of the Lamb. So very Amen, I pray, in your tender and tenacious name."

Re-Thinking Conflict - by Angel Richard

The following is from a blog called livingstorygrace.com and has provided that fresh glass of water for me this week...

Thinking about conflict.
I’ve Googled for the definition, for quotes, and for concepts. I’ve asked people what comes to mind when they hear the term and interestingly enough there are a lot of different answers.
One insight recently came when I noticed the words combined with conflict like “manage,” “avoid,” “quickly resolve.” I bring this up because all writers and readers know that conflict is essential to the plot when you talk about story. Without conflict there’s no plot, no movement, and nothing interesting in the story.
But I don’t typically think that way about the story of my life or the plotline of my leadership. I’ve tended to spend large amounts of energy managing, avoiding, and quickly getting rid of conflict.
So here’s my recent thought, “Would it serve me better to think of “conflict” as essential if not “holy ground”? That’d be a twist.
As a leader my default mode is to think the plot of the “story” for my team or me is accomplishing the task at hand. Though we all have goals to meet I am starting to massage the idea that the conflict I engage whether internally or externally, positive or negative, may be more important in shaping the kingdom of God within me than most of my efforts to shape the kingdom of God outside of me.
I’m not alone in my thoughts as I read this week a quote from Donald Miller about stories that resonate, “Without the conflict the character can’t change. The conflict drives the story because it drives transformation."
There you have it; conflict is the “holy ground” of transformation. The very thing I avoid will actually take me to the very thing I long for. I’ve got an unending ache for those I know and our world at large to experience transformation. Myself included. In order to get there I think my first step is to re-think how God uses conflict in the story to shape our souls.

My response:  Doesn't it sound so much more like grace not to condemn our conflicts, but to "intend them for good"?  Even seeing God's purposes behind ugly words spoken, complicated relationships and internal vexation both exposes my tendency toward "happiness righteousness" (as it exposes my fear, guilt and shame in these states of conflict) and allows me stand confidently in hope, even after foolishly sleeping with Hagar.  But to see Jonah's time in the fish as crucial to helping us to understand Jesus' ministry, to understand Pharaoh's wickedness as ultimately designed for God's glory, to see Joseph's suffering in slavery and prison as the script for the salvation of Israel, to see Jesus' hopelessness on the cross when He was separated from the Father so that we would never, ever, no never have to be for one moment separated from Him...


Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering, as though something strange were happening to you. But rejoice that you participate in the sufferings of Christ, so that you may be overjoyed when his glory is revealed.1 Peter 4:12-13

Hope That Does Not Disappoint

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God. Romans 8:18-21

Tim Keller made the good observation that we use the word "hope" when we are not certain of an outcome.  "I hope it will snow" or "I hope the Braves will be a winning team again."  This, it seems, is how my heart is inclined to think of the hope I have in God's Kingdom through the Gospel.  Yet, this is exactly opposite of the certainty of hope in the person and work of Jesus.

I've been in a real funk the past several days, and as I told my cousin, not the awesome dancing kind of funk.  That heaviness with which people describe depression, where all tasks seem too burdensome and the joy of life just seems out of reach.  Talk about a life suck!  I'm so glad my family loves me anyway.

The trigger of my heavy laden heart's condition?  Basically, its as juvenille as you might guess:  one too many circumstances not going my way.  What has made the wound especially raw is that each of these desires (to sell our current home and move into a racially diverse neighborhood, to be given steps to follow to get my book published, to adopt an orphan from Uganda) has felt like God's hand, God's lead and consistent with God's redemptive work in my heart and the world.  So, the cumulitive effect of their delay has robbed my joy and threatened my hope.  He doesn't seem to be doing what I think He should be as quickly as I think He should be doing it.  What if none of it happens at all?

You know why these immediate circumstances have had this power over me?  I wondered if it was extreme discontent, and repented of this even as I wait for Him to make me content.  I acknowledge the reality that my need for control is being smacked upside the head and ask Him to help me trust His control more.  But the connection to my faith is too real to ignore.  The person and work of Jesus has reminded me that certainty has never been promised in regard to my immediate circumstances but is in the very hope of His promise that my circumstances are working toward a greater end, the redemption of His creation including my heart.

Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for.  Hebrews 11:1-2

The ancients were commended for a faith that was sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.  My faith, in contrast, had ever so subtly shifted from certainty in what I do not see to dependence upon the visible evidence of His control, goodness, love and power in my immediate circumstances.  The uncertainty of my circumstances has rocked my world because my hope began to direct itself toward the visible, tangible experiences of His Kingdom rather than the "unalterably sure" promises of God's redemptive plan, as Geerhardus Vos puts it. 

 The "ancients" believed in this Redeemer and God's plan to make all things new, even as they sat enslaved, imprisoned, discouraged, defeated and running after their own efforts of fulfilling God's promises for Him.  Think about how disoriented Jesus' own disciples were at the time of His death because their hope had been in the immediate rather than in the ultimate redemption of all things.  Looking back in Biblical history, the story isn't of each person's circumstances demonstrating success, victory and power, but of God's Kingdom moving from death to resurrection, consistently and progressively, even if not yet fully realized in any one of these believer's lifetime. 

Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:1-5

Hope is not in my will being done but that His will be done.  Hope, Biblically, is the certainty that God will complete the good work He has begun in me (and the entirety of creation) no matter how I fight it or fail to evidence it at times.    Hope, as Tim Keller put it, is a "life shaping certainty about the future."  It places my certainty not in "getting mine" but in being His.  The difference in those two sources of hope is vast and absolutely life shaping.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.  Psalm 42:5 (and first three words of 6)

The meaning of life in my last few days was morbidly defined, infiltrated and saturated by my failing hope in "getting mine" - of course I grew weary, depressed and lifeless.  Oh but the Gospel offers such a better hope, a more certain hope, that through the person and work of Jesus (not the attainment of a new house, new book deal or new child) I am His and my life is in every detail part of His redemptive story. That gives a dignity to the seemingly mundane as is not possible any other way. For what was glorious has no glory now in comparison with the surpassing glory. And if what was fading away came with glory, how much greater is the glory of that which lasts! Therefore, since we have such a hope, we are very bold. 2 Corinthians 3:10-12

I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way. Ephesians 1:18-23

I am sad that my house won't seem to sell, that we can't move, that Ugandan adoptions are on hold and that the most remarkable accomplishment in my day might be removing a mildew stain from the tub.  These circumstances are disappointing and even discouraging to me, but they will not be where I rest my hope.  They are not worth comparing to the glory that will be revealed, even as they direct me to the hope that will never disappoint.

But He Gives Me More Grace

We sing "all of you is more than enough for all of me", yet some days my discontent feels like kryptonite against the knowledge that His grace is enough.  My knowledge that all the riches of life and satisfaction are in Him alone does not have the power to override my wander lust for being "there" and getting "that".  The broken cisterns I continue to seek for refreshment, though I know they can never satisfy, have somehow become addictions.  (Yes, even ministry and God's Kingdom can quicly be described as those created things I worship rather than the Creator.)  I am forced once again, today, to see that grace is not Gatorade.  Its not something I can just pour into myself at halftime and then run off to complete the game on my own.  "Every hour I need thee" begins to become more than an old time hymn.

Grace is my hope for change where knowledge is not enough...after all, the demons knew exactly who Jesus was but were not made holy by their intellectual ascent. The Pharisees practiced holiness in their actions, but their hearts were far from Him.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. 2 Corinth. 12:9

My weakness is that I want what I want right now.  My weakness is my discontentment, my demand for control that I cannot have, my impatience and aggravation at having to wait.  My weakness is trusting more in what I see and what I hear than being certain of what has been promised and planned since before creation.  And it is to me, in this very place of weakness, that He says His grace is sufficient. 

It is not His grace plus my right thinking that will change me.  It is not His grace plus my better attitude that is my hope.  It is not some form of Gatorade that I grab, consume, and by which I then run out onto the field refueled.  Rather, it is the helmet of the astronaut on a space walk, which if removed, is certain death.  Unless I am aware of this weakness, that death awaits me unless I walk in it, I will assume I am strong enough for now and will take a sip if the heat gets to me.  (sorry for the mixed metaphor)  We boast in weakness not because of some artificial form of humility but because it is the only thing that keeps the helmet on our heads.

I do not set aside the grace of God, for if righteousness could be gained through the law, Christ died for nothing! Gal. 2:21

The ache I have been feeling over an assortment of circumstances lately doesn't have to be ignored, hidden or quickly remedied.  His grace can handle both my circumstances and my less than admirable responses to them.  His grace can sort through my pure and impure motives.  His grace can cover over my blind spots and reign in the face of my lack of wisdom and understanding.  His grace can clarify His purposes when He needs them clarified and can carry me through when blindness seems more prevalent than sight.  His grace is not dependent upon my saying the correct words, choosing most wisely or acting nobly.  His grace is not dependent upon me at all but solely on the completed and perfect work of Jesus.

But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says: "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." James 4:6

His grace isn't provided in rations, but is the very manna from heaven on which I can feast at the first pang of hunger.  His grace doesn't dry up if I ignore it or can't see it or understand it, but is a stream of living water provided by His obedience and perfect living, not mine.

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet was without sin. Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. Hebrews 4:15-16

Who will bring any charge against those whom God has chosen? It is God who justifies. Who is he that condemns? Christ Jesus, who died—more than that, who was raised to life—is at the right hand of God and is also interceding for us. Romans 8:33-34

Thank you Lord that even in my complaining, agitated, internal temper tantrum throwing attitude over the past few days (and hopefully not for many more), You are at work.  Even in my ungrateful, demanding, impatient fury that I cannot just be given what I want, Your are at work. Dying to self isn't pretty or simply ceremonial.  And, I assume that only the comatose go down without a fight, which is even within the reign of Your grace and part of Your victorious redemptive story.  Oh, it is so good to have my heart strengthened by grace!  Heb. 13:9

Yes Lord, your grace is sufficient for me.

Whose Story?

I referenced Donald Miller the other day as he admitted in Blue Like Jazz that he always thought life was a play about him, and all the people in his life had the privilege of being supporting characters to his central role.  Clearly that is my view of life and has been for as long as I can remember and it is certainly at the root of my agitation, discontent and anxiousness when my story isn't going the way I have it scripted in my mind.

In childhood, that notion was developed by repetitive questions of "who do you want to be when you grow up?" or "how do you want to change the world?"  As I grew through adolescence and into young adulthood, the persepctive that I was to be the central character in my life's story was fed even more by time spent identifying my unique gifts and talents and dreaming of the heroic mark I would leave on the world.  Questions asked of me by well intentioned leaders or teachers were along the lines of "What do you want your obituary to tell of your life?" or "How do you want to be remembered?"

Given my particular personality, I have always wanted to be like Braveheart, first on the battlefield fighting for truth and justice.  I want to be like Luther, challenging the status quo with Gospel understanding, saying awe inspiring things like, "Here I stand, I can do no other!"  As a child, I mourned my perception that I had missed marching with Martin Luther King, Jr. against prejudices and racism (as if he had settled the matter once and for all.)  But in each scenario, lurking where I haven''t always seen it, I want to be the hero of the story.  Never conciously, of course, but true just the same...and it inevitably leads to the conlcusion made in Million Dollar Baby, if my days are simply to go from "great potential" to living helplessly in seclusion, there is no point in living.  Go big or go home, right?

With this assumption driving my purpose in life, my existence can only be validated or in any sense deemed of value if my contribution to God's Kingdom is both visible and measurable.  An impatience to get through this particular scene and into a new setting takes over because the "real story" that must take place will begin to unfold when I'm "there" doing "that".

Naturally, discontent in the present increasingly takes over.  I become so preoccupied with the future mission that I totally neglect loving the people right in front of me in this moment.  I so need the spectacular that I miss the miraculous.  I say "this is the day the Lord has made" but assume it to be true in a general sense, not in the details of sweeping cereal from the kitchen floor, icing my sprained ankle, or dealing with Ellie's melt down because we can't have ice cream tonight.

I want to script my future, offering God suggestions (and demands) of the setting where my story would more effectively take place and the plot line that would really help His Kingdom to come here on earth as it is in heaven.  I don't trust that God's scripted storyline will be to my liking or I fear that He is going to give me a less interesting role than I think I should have.

But what if your kingdom come means, as Paul Miller wrote, that "instead of trying to create my own story, I will be content to let God write his story"?

How different would my attitude and days be if I really trusted that this argument, this mundane task, this traffic, this waiting, this "no", this suffering, this birthday party, this wedding reception, this school activity, this too long conversation that used up all previously set aside time, this cold, this whatever...that each seemingly unremarkable moment is a very necessary element in the story God is telling of His redemptive work in the world, in the people around me, and within my own heart?    Its much harder to disguise what is true about our hearts in all the "unremarkable" moments of life and equally impossible to fake the Spirit's work. AND, that kind of powerful, faith building transformation is almost impossible to see in a flashy moment but almost impossible to miss in the mundane.

What if I would just start to believe that the entire Bible from Genesis to Revelation and the entire history of mankind from beginning to end is telling one beautiful, life-giving story of creation, fall, redemption and glorification and that the hero of the story is the person and work of Jesus, not me?  If I really trusted that no plan of His can be thwarted, that He will accomplish all that He intends, the He will complete the good work He has begun, would I be more willing to let Jesus be the focus and leading actor instead of rushing to play His part?  Would I doubt His goodness and control just because a storm swells up around the boat we are in?  Would I be less anxious when things didn't go as I would like them scripted?  Would I be less angry when my plans were thwarted?  Would I love the person in front of me more because he or she would no longer seem "in the way" of the "more important" person or accomplishment I had in mind?  Would I start to rest more deeply in the present setting and plot line of my life, with greater contentment and delight?  Do I really think I could craft a more beautiful, engaging, life-giving and transforming story than God?

For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him. He is before all things, and in him all things hold together. And he is the head of the body, the church; he is the beginning and the firstborn from among the dead, so that in everything he might have the supremacy. Col. 1:16-18

Hole-y Ground

On Saturday I fell into a hole.  I don't mean the figurative kind where you say, "Sorry I haven't called in a while but I basically fell into a hole and now I'm back," but the real kind on a concrete sidewalk where you twist an ankle and skin your knee.  And, it wasn't a graceful fall but more like the ones typical of Kermit where his arms would fly up in the air and his hat would fly off and he would fly down to the ground with a thud.  And when I hit the ground, I did not play it cool (or brave, or tough) but instantly began wailing in pain, rolling on the muddy, rainy ground, repeating over and over "it hurts, it hurts, it hurts" as my Dad (and faithful running partner) wondered if he'd have to flag down a passing motorist to carry his permanently crippled daughter home.  He stood warmly, with his hands on my shoulders, and I just cried and cried.  At some point in there, I knew I'd probably walk again, maybe even in the next few minutes, but something felt so good about really sobbing out the pain, because, you know, I had just fallen into a hole and all.

In high school, I had a mid-scrimmage fall on the soccer field where the whole field heard the pop of my ACL tearing in half.  (gross, huh?)  When I landed, it hurt like a...like a person falling in a hole (: and I couldn't move.  But I didn't cry then.  Actually, I laughed and then laughed more and started laughing hysterically because I couldn't dare cry.  I was playing soccer with boys and they couldn't see me cry, I had an image to maintain.  I had to be tough!  Take that you sorry ole torn ACL and cartilege...is that all you've got?  It turned out that I didn't get to play soccer again for a whole year.

My Christian life is so often like high school warrior Jane, more comfortable ignoring or denying pain and desperately needing any onlookers to see "I've got this handled!"  I don't actually say that, of course, but what I do is provide summary statements of how fine I am or know I will be in just a minute, and by the way, this is how God is using this to teach me about "X"...I guess I'm afraid if I acknowledge my fear, or disappointment, or helplessness it will mean that my faith is weak?

What I am starting to see is that the Gospel actually includes things like Jesus saying, "Lord, take this cup from me!" or catches Jesus weeping over the death of Lazarus even though He knows He is about to raise Lazarus from the dead.  Maybe this is because God's story includes the Fall in the process of redemption.  He takes a creation that He called "very good"(Genesis 1) and makes it "complete, perfect, not lacking anything"(James 1), through suffering to glory.  He doesn't have to deny the pain or fake it away because He knows where it is headed.  He can scream in agony on the cross, "Why have you forsaken me?" because the resurrection is coming and honest, agonizing suffering is part of this redemptive story.  Sin and rebellion in my heart, (and wicked sidewalks with uncovered water meters!), earthquakes and death and divorce and...they really, really hurt and I don't have to make the choice between preserving an image or being honest.

My faith is indeed weak, as I feared, when it rests on my performance and image and not His.  Because it is His image being drawn out in me, over time, by His performance, I can be honest in the process.  I can scream "OW!" and "Stop that!" in the suffering, trusting that He is with me all the while.  So, I guess there was something beautifully symbolic in wailing even more than I had to in the dark of the morning Saturday in my sweet, patient dad's embrace. Dad could handle my buffoonery, both in the fall and absurd response. I didn't have to be brave, or impress him, or be cool.  He did not need for me to provide a full assessment of my actual injuries or when they would be fully healed.  I could remain on the ground a little longer, with a little less dignity, because my dad was there and wouldn't leave me.  I eventually got up, walked awkwardly at first and even jogged in the last mile.  (Which also was stupid because now my ankle is quite swollen.)

Because I can't resist a terrible pun:   It seems that the muddy, undignified sidewalk, in contrast to the soccer field, was in fact the holy ground because that was where the image of the father was able to shine.