Your Kingdom Come in My Love for Others

As if I'd never heard it before, over a year ago the notion of loving well only beginning to show up when we need people less, began to make sense.  Its the only way we can even consider loving someone who doesn't like us or who has actively wronged us and even worse, who is not even sorry!  As long as my love toward them is in word only, holds back affection or engagement until apology is received or proper respect is shown to me, my love is indeed conditional.  As long I need that person's approval, or respect, or praise, or even friendship, then my love for that person is as much in an attempt to achieve those things as it is seeking out his or her best.

But what if my relationship with my children, my husband, my parents or in-laws, friends, etc. shifts to being about seeing His Kingdom come in their hearts more than my kingdom come in their hearts?  For example, Am I more eager to see God's love overwhelm the heart of the one before me or to see a love for me overwhelm the heart of the one before me?  Mostly, I want them to be overwhelmed with love for me and a desire to please me and bask in my wisdom and marvelousness.

But what if instead of all of our interactions being about how they serve my need to be loved, I started asking God how He wants His kingdom to come in our relationship? in his/her heart? in mine? (because nobody in the room is a bystander of God's redemptive work!)  How is God using our relationship to bring His Kingdom to earth as it is in heaven?

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Only then do all those verses about love being patient, kind, not self-seeking, make sense!  His kingdom coming doesn't happen in one conversation, in one activity, in one afternoon or even in one decade.  Its slow but steady and certain.  I start trusting in His work in my heart and my loved one's heart rather than visible evidence of it.  I stop taking everything so personally as if life were a play all about me, with all the people around me simply serving as supporting characters.  (Thank you Donald Miller.)  Instead, I get to understand my appropriate role as a character in God's far more interesting story about His redemptive work and victorious glory.

This is how He could love me while I was still a sinner, spitting on Him and mocking Him, full of cynicism and arrogant superiority and self-sufficiency.  His love wasn't because I was lovely or had something that He needed to complete Him.  His love wasn't in response to my conscious need of Him, it was in purest form a reflection of His pefect love, goodness, holiness and purpose to redeem a people who were not His people and call the philanderers His beloved bride!

Oh that my love for others would begin to be shaped more by a desire for His Kingdom to come than mine!

The Sadness Inherent in God's Calling Me to Believe

Jesus answered, "If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."

When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth. Matthew 19:21-22

I always read this and thought the young man was a fool.  I mean, how materialistic and blind can you be to prefer your stuff to God?  And then, mercifully, the patient, gentle and redeeming person and work of Jesus began to show me that I am that very fool.

I may not like shopping, but that does not mean I am not materialistic, taking pride in the things I do have even if gifted by someone else.  I may be frugal, but that does not mean I am not greedy as I keep my fingers clinched around the money I do have.  "Where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" explains why my heart is so divided.  My heart is not so entirely surrendered to God's glory as I like to believe.  But its not just neat sayings like I just gave, He is taking me deeper into this Gospel Kingdom by showing me my great wealth in the world that I am really afraid to let go.

My treasure may not look like a pirate's chest of gold dubloons (what are dubloons, anyway?), but its just as much about my glory and security apart from God as those other more obvious material treasures.  When you are shown those things, or even just one of those things in such a way that you get how much you think you can't live without it, there is no way not to feel the sorrow of that rich young ruler.

I like to "sacrifice" in ways that actually leave me unscathed.  "Oh, how great of you to give your time like that!" but I scheduled that time on my calendar and could move certain things around to make it work.  That was no real loss, but I won't tell them.  "Oh how generous of you to donate that!" but it was a budgeted gift and none of our other needs will be effected.  "Wow, that is so brave of you to go there!" but I was wired to go there so not going there would simply make me crabby.  And then Jesus says, "Will you walk away from this particular treasure?" and its such a deeply treasured part of my life that I didn't even know it was a treasure.  I just thought it was a non-negotiable given, which may sound silly to me if I were talking about something someone else treasured that I didn't, but this?  How could I walk away from this?  (think opportunity, security, support, community, team, resource, facility...true treasure)

See, I have always wanted to give up treasures that I didn't really treasure.  Its like how most people take their most out of style, worn out clothes to Goodwill and feel good about giving to the poor.  That is the kind of sacrifice I thought was real sacrifice.  But it turns out that becoming less so that He can become more isn't code for something more glamorous.  It doesn't mean "less" in the eyes of people whose opinion I didn't care about anyway.  It means less in the opninion of anyone other than God whose goal is for His Kingdom to come here on earth, not mine.  Like Paul Miller said, "...realizing God is my fortress doesn't mean that God is giving me a fortress.  It means that He is the fortress.  Except for God, I am completely alone. I wasn't sure I liked that."

With the rich young ruler, and with me, to quote Paul Miller again, Jesus wants to "close all the doors to human power and glory."  And if that doesn't make us feel a bit sad, I'm not sure I have genuinely seen how many doors I want to keep open.  Everything in my life and culture has told me to get as many doors opened for my future (and even more weighted, my children's future!) as I can.  Only a fool would walk away or let a door get shut.  Yet, Scripture defines wisdom as the person and work of Jesus and He is calling us to place our future in Him and His glory, not ours.  That sounds awesome until He asks me to really do it.  Then, quite honestly, it makes me sad and scared.  Can I leave my kingdom for His?  The only answer comes after the next question:  Do I really believe in His Kingdom (in many ways unseen) more than I believe in mine (in many ways more certain)?

He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:28-31

Not a Grace Graduate

I got to hear Paul Tripp speak last night and it was fun to meet the author in person.  In referencing the prayer with which he begins each day, starting with "I am a man in need of help today," he acknowledged his hourly need of help because the reality is that he is not a "grace graduate."  I loved that, because my prideful heart so wants to hurry to the alumni board status...which obviously overlooks the fact death is required for that graduation.  As long as I am on this earth in its present condition and in mine (Hebrews 10:14), I remain a student of grace.

Here is but one example of grace's classroom and lesson style:
In the year prior to our church's start, we had various meetings of different groups to pray and plan for its birth.  In one of these meetings, a friend was clearly irritated and impatient and eager to go once the business had been finished.  I can't honestly remember if she called me or if I called her, but I know that she initiated a conversation about the fact that I talk too much.  That is what frustrated her so much in our meeting and she needed to be honest and tell me.  Ouch.

First, I heard condemnation.  I didn't just hear "You were talking too much tonight" but I heard "You drive everybody crazy!  You suck!  You have a Kick Me sign on your back and you don't even see it!  Nothing you say is of value and you are all the time everywhere having this agitating effect on everybody!"  Rejection and shame characterized that first phase.

Second, my inner lawyer jumped in to defend my righteousness.  "How dare she!  She, being single, has no idea what it is like to go from the working world to being home all the time with tiny people who can't carry on any kind of conversation at all.  My talking was an outflow of my passion for the topic!  I have much experience in this area and what good is all that I have learned over the years if not to be used in the shaping of this new effort?!  And she is not so perfect either!  I'm not the only sinner room, after all!  How about the way that she..."  Blameshifting, denial, and defensiveness characterized my secondary response.

What I didn't realize immediately was that her words were a function of grace's use of the Law.  The Law never could make men holy nor was it ever intended to do so.  The Law, as James describes, can only show us how far from God's image we have fallen.

What, then, was the purpose of the law? It was added because of transgressions until the Seed to whom the promise referred had come. The law was put into effect through angels by a mediator. A mediator, however, does not represent just one party; but God is one. Is the law, therefore, opposed to the promises of God? Absolutely not! For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law. But the Scripture declares that the whole world is a prisoner of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe. Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Gal. 3:19-24

Without the Law leading us to the person and work of Jesus, the best it can do is leave us naked and ashamed.  If I don't run to be "hidden in Christ", I will run to the nearest fig tree to try to fashion some sort of awkward outfit out of its leaves.  Here is an example:  "Fine!  I will just never talk in those groups again.  That way, nobody can say I talk too much and I will never look like the fool again.  If they don't want me, I don't want them!" or "Who needs her!  I will keep on saying what I need to say because its how God made me and either people need to hear it or they need to appreciate the context of my life in which my talking takes place."  Without the Law leading me to the person and work of Jesus, I am left with either being totally condemned or the option of fighting for my rights no matter what anybody else thinks.  I will either resign or bully.

Mercifully, and for one of the first times in my life, God helped me to recognize this as the work of grace in my life.  Grace was shining a light into my heart so that I could see what was lurking below my gregarious nature.  There is a self-importance which automatically minimizes the importance of other voices in the conversation besides mine.  There is a need to control and have authority, which I was demanding with my use of too many words.  An area of my heart which needs further to be reconciled to God (where I was trying to take over His throne) needs to be diagnosed so that it can be cured.  How can I delight in the cure until I see the disease?

So, I could say "thank you" to her, and mostly mean it, because in the end I got more Jesus.

Paul pointed out last night that Jesus said not to parade our righteousness before others...because WE don't have any righteousness!  Its all the righteousness of Jesus.  I don't really get this.  And, here is how I know that my heart still hasn't really taken hold of this two way exchange (my sin for His righteousness):  I don't want anyone to see that I actually am not fully redeemed and perfected yet but still in need of His righteousness and His transformation.  I still want to believe (and want you to believe) that I am right and righteous, not that I rest in His righteousness alone.

Here is a good test in this class of grace:  Can I go to Terrell (my husband) and ask him to tell me the consistent themes in my anger?  (Here is a hint, the theme of my anger is probably not as much about God's Kingdom as it is about mine)  How comfortable am I at asking others to show me my blind spots, where I am worshipping created things (comfort, status, praise of men, possessions, recognition, etc.) instead of the Creator? 

Why, in fact, did the bad news that someone thought I talked too much make me angry more than grateful?  Because the truth of my heart, deep down where I don't even always know it, is that it makes me angry for anyone else to see that I am a woman in need of help today, in need of a Redeemer this hour, in need of more grace to be reconciled and transformed further into His image as I cannot do on my own.

"Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relived"...how beautiful it is to be a student of grace!

What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet." ...For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Rom. 7:7, 22-25

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:56-57

Rugged Individualism and the Gospel

I think Jack Bauer is so appealing because, other than being such a B.A. (that's "bad ass" if such writing doesn't bring down the stature of my blog), he can handle what nobody else can and can do so no matter how inept or corrupt are the people around him.  As Americans, in particular, we eat that up.  As Christian Americans, we have somehow married that self-sufficient, I-am-not-dependent-on-anyone-anywhere-at- anytime modus operendi with select verses in Scripture.  The slippery slope of rugged individualism and absolute self-reliance is that ultimately, we start to believe it about the person and work of Jesus too.

Tim Keller spoke of our "middle class" perception that we are where we are because of hard work and sacrifice and others struggle because they are just not working as hard nor as disciplined.  It is our basic assumption that poor people are poor because of irresponsibility and laziness.  Conversely, those able to live within their paychecks can take the credit for their excellent choices, wise money-management, and exceptional work ethic.  What I've got, I earned and what they don't have, they ought to earn.  How glad am I that this is not how God treats me!

Yet, this self-made righteousness is how I always felt (and am continually tempted to feel) about my position before God.  Its why I am such a good Pharisee, an expert in the field of white-washed tombs.  I like rules and want to obey them, I enjoy the challenge and victory of self-denial, I hear the standard for good health and will one up it, you will be hard pressed to find any good dirt on me for a roast, my outward reputation is above reproach!   I, I, I, me, my...but interestingly, no indication from those realities that I have any need whatsoever for the person and work of Jesus.  And if I have no real felt need for His changing work in my heart (such as my critical spirit, judgmental attitutude toward those who don't do it like me, impatience with those who won't do it my way or see it my way, disdain for any who criticize me or my way, desperate need to be praised and found without fault, desperate need to be right, total lack of compassion or love for others...) then why on earth would I ever begin to see my need for other people?  If I don't really see my fundamental need for God's work in my heart, even as one who is a believer, I can never see my need for the help of others either.  (My need before others is shameful if I don't understand that my need before God has been covered in dignity, clothed in the entirety of the person and work of Jesus.)

I am so grateful to be a part of a church that understands the "body of Christ", even if imperfectly.  Our sweet little church aims to be one that sees each body part as it belongs to the whole, both in benefit and need.  We need each other's gifts and talents (from technology to cake baking, teaching to beer brewing) and we need to carry one another's burdens.  I like the gifts and talents part, not so much the burdens part.  And, I don't really want anyone to be burdened by me - thats just embarrassing.  I like to be needed, not needy.  But its this very shame of nakedness in the Garden that was covered by God with dignity in the person and work of Jesus.  It is our dependence upon help from others (emotionally, financially, physically, etc.) which points our hearts and the gaze of others to the reality that our sufficiency is not in self but in His grace.  There is no longer shame in need when my dignity isn't resting on my accomplishments but on His alone!

Once I begin to see my own poverty in spirit (not that I am down because nobody "gets me", but that I start to see my need to be "gotten" is a sign of my very poverty), I start to see God's generosity toward me.  Paul Miller created a great chart depicting the two-sided reality:  the more I see of my sin, the more I see of God's holiness, love, grace, etc. and the more I see of God's holiness, love, grace, etc., the more clearly and honestly I am able to see my sin.  Its why Isaiah cried out "Woe to me a man of unclean lips!" rather than only confidently declaring, "Here am I, send me!"  As long as we only have a tiny bit of need, we only need a tiny bit of Jesus.  The more vividly we begin to see how great our need actually is, we grow in our need for a greater Jesus.

Just as each of us has one body with many members, and these members do not all have the same function, so in Christ we who are many form one body, and each member belongs to all the others. Romans 12:4-5

We belong to Jesus and therefore we belong to one another, no longer to ourselves alone as orphans.  "Self-made" is a deception and one that worked really well on Adam and Eve and continues to work really well on me each day.  The goal of my work, according to American ideals, is to retire at 40 and live a resort lifestyle.  Is that God's goal for our work?  The goal of money, according to rugged individualism, is to spoil myself with luxuries that I deserve from my efforts?  Is this God's goal for money?  My life is my own and your life is your own and we will live parallel lives, crossing paths in ways that inconvenience neither of us.  Was this God's vision for His people?  Is this how I image what He has done for me and how He daily responds to me?

Its becoming more and more clear to me that rugged individualism is in direct opposition to the message of redemption, the person and work of Jesus.  My life points my own heart and the gaze of others to sing my praises or to sing His.  When my need is kept hidden, His meeting of that need is kept hidden.  When my need for change is ignored, His power to change is ignored.  When I won't see my own heart's corruption, I won't see His gracious, effective and powerful redemption.  Life in the body, particularly the rub of community, exposes my need and then provides strong arms to carry my mat to the One who will meet it.

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers. If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him? Dear children, let us not love with words or tongue but with actions and in truth. This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything. 1 John 3:16-20


Oh that I would quit hiding in the fig leaves of my self-reliance and self-sufficiency to instead be clothed in Christ alone, joyfully and unashamedly dependent on Him and His body here on earth.

Not Safe, but Good?

So, the sermon today was about God's particular love for us, His children, within our particular stories (which He has authored), within our particular personalities (which He designed), with our particular fears and wounds (which He is redeeming) and with our particular strengths and skills (which He will use for His glory - by fish belly or otherwise...nod to Jonah).  More than simply His particular love for us, the sermon on Pentecost highlighted that the diversity of "native tongues" is in focus and each are able to encounter the Good News of the person and work of Jesus in their own native tongue (which includes everything just mentioned about our particularities).  And, as a response, we now get to have the greatest reunion with all those in His family from whom we have been separated!  We can now love because He first loved us and others can know about what He has done for us when they see us extend this same kind of unreasonable love toward others.

This Good News is simultaneously exhilarating and depressing.  Its exhilarating because it tells me that all those things that divide me from people (race, language, level of education or income, social customs, dress, affiliations, etc.) are no longer barriers to our unity in the person and work of Jesus.  (For we all stand equally in need of His redemption - none more deserving of His grace than another and none less in need of His mercy than another.)  But, its depressing because if I'm totally honest, I don't want to have hang out with all of those "other" people.  If I'm even more honest, deep down where I don't even always know it, I believe that my days are my own, that my time is mine and that life owes me "me time". 

Some of those "others" will need me too much and demand more of me than I have any interest in even being asked to give, let alone actually give.  Some of those "others" won't need me as much as I think they should, and that throws the whole security of my existence into question and creates in me a need for a defense.  I am naturally drawn to people who will give me life...which sometimes looks like someone utterly out of my daily context.  But even their differentness is appealing to the extent it feeds my need.  But the awkward girl who is out of a job and doesn't have much in the way of a social life, well, that could be dangerous because talk about a potential time suck - MY time, mind you.

What if the empowering of the Holy Spirit wasn't given so that we could attain more down time but so that I could actually be interested in the person who my community (starting with me) has written off?  What if my resources and talents weren't given so that I could "get mine" but so that I could meet the needs of others as Jesus consistently and unreasonably and sacrificially meets my needs?  What if my time doesn't actually belong to me at all?  What if I am not "entitled" to "me time" as much as I want my husband and children to believe?  What if I could serve peanut butter and jelly sandwiches instead of a gourmet meal so that I would be quicker to invite people into my home?  What if He wants to push me out of my ten-year-plan and into His Kingdom plan? 

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.  1 John 3:16

Now by "lay down", I hope He means give a community service day here and there because I can do that.  Or maybe by "lay down" it means sending some much needed money to an organization who knows their audience's needs far better than I.  But if by "lay down" He means the way that Jesus did it...well, surely not, right?  He left His CEO position to be counted as "the help".  He didn't leave every conversation with the person thinking He was right.  He tried to get away for rest, but kept serving anyway.  He loved not for what He needed from the people (because He was totally satisfied in the Father and His Spirit) but because He had the only genuine love the world has ever known - no mixed motives at all.

This makes my chest tighten, honestly.  It makes my breathing shorter.  It makes me a little angry, a lot tired, and mostly want to go to bed and start tomorrow with this whole topic fading into "last week's sermon topic was..."  It scares me.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know what to change.  What is rational and what is crazy and what is eccentric and what is the Gospel?

Since you call on a Father who judges each man's work impartially, live your lives as strangers here in reverent fear. For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. 1 Peter 1:17-19

We are reading through Narnia with Ellie and Chad, and Ellie is really stumped by the oft quoted description of Aslan as being "not safe but good".  She keeps asking how he can be both.  I try to explain in bits and make her wrestle with it for times.  But really, when I read about the person and work of Jesus in all of Scripture, I see how increasingly unsafe He is, following Him is and I hesitate.  But ultimately, I can trust that He is true and that He is good.  If He is calling me out of my safe kingdom and into His, He will do it and that is Good News.

He Withholds No Good Thing

For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor; no good thing does he withhold from those whose walk is blameless. Psalm 84:11

The exit ramp off of 75 is at most a quarter of a mile from the entrance to Ellie's school, yet this morning it took us about 20 minutes from the time we reached this exit until we actually got Ellie to school.  As we sat in the right turning lane not moving at all, the cars in the middle and left lanes just kept flowing smoothly and, in relation to our crawl, rapidly as they all turned left.  Ellie asked why we couldn't get into one of those lanes since they were moving much more quickly and efficiently.  It was a good question, from her perspective, but obviously answered by the fact that the speedy motion of those lanes would take us in the opposite direction of her school and therefore not actually be an advantage at all.

I've been wrestling for months with a few very specific desires of mine to which God seems to be saying "No", not necessarily with finality, but at least with a "not yet".  In each moment when this "not yet" really stings and lands on that very raw and exposed nerve of my heart, I am comfronted with how I will handle this rub.  To be honest, I typically respond by swinging to one of two natural and Gospel-less extremes:  stoicism (I will block out this emotion which is clearly of my flesh and therefore "bad") or fit throwing ("I want it I want it I want it and you just want me to be honest and happy, right God?!").  In A Praying Life, Paul Miller points out that Jesus prayed "Take this cup from me", honestly expressing what He wanted, but followed it by saying, "Not my will but yours be done."

So how is "dying to self" both different and even opposed to stoicsim (feelings are bad, desires are bad, flesh is bad, the body is bad - so eliminate these things from their interfering role in our thinking)?  Jesus didn't pretend His suffering was pleasant or even ignore the agony.  He faced it full on, felt it to the point of sweating blood and crying out to the Father with whom He had agreed upon this plan for redemption, "Why have you forsaken me?"  He didn't distract Himself from the pain or pretent it didn't matter.  Nor was His brutal honesty disrespectful or a lack of faith or sight, it was an expression of the reality of where He was in that moment...separated from the Father, covered in our rebellion and disgrace, hidden in our sin so that we could eventually be hidden in His righteousness.

But in His agony, He did not demand that God serve His needs.  In His sweat inducing, tear filled, life draining moments before He was arrested, He was both honest about how He felt and ultimately trusting of His Father's will and love and goodness.  Yet somehow I read Matthew's account in chapter 7 from this me-centered, demanding perspective rather than from a place of trust, which is that Gospel third way.  When a sinful father is able to give good gifts to his child, Jesus argues, how much more so will God who is holy and perfect give good gifts to His children?  So, I take this to mean, "Yeah, so if my earthly dad will give me what I want, You surely exist to one up that!"

The Gospel's "third way" (instead of our typical two extremes) is to say both "Ask" and "Trust".  Perhaps the fact that He withholds no good thing, rather than meaning that we should get everything we ask for, means if we haven't gotten it, maybe God knows its not as good as we think it is.  Like Ellie wanting to keep moving by heading rapidly off the exit ramp in the wrong direction.  Sitting still in the car is not so fun, but its how we eventually get her to the place she actually wants to be.

Its why I need Jesus from start to finish, in every hour.  Like Adam and Eve, my default assumption is that God is in fact withholding something good from me that I should be entitled to have.  My wants seek Lordship over my heart, my attitude, my perspective and my interactions with others.  I begin to trust my cravings more than I trust His love and goodness and sovereignty.  I begin to exist to serve my cravings more than existing to serve Him, which inevitably becomes my demand of the world and people around me too.

God made Him who had no sin to become sin that we me become the very righteousness of God.  He presents us as blameless before the throne of judgment.  No good thing is withheld from us because He walked blamelessly on our behalf.  I must trust Him in that and I must trust that if it is good, He will not withhold it.  And I must trust that if it is withhed, it must not be good as I have made it out to be.

For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God.

Teach me your way, O LORD, and I will walk in your truth; give me an undivided heart,

that I may fear your name.  Psalm 86:10-11

Reconcile

Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ's physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation... Col. 1:21-22

"Once I was alienated from God"...that is such an interesting statement given the fact that I often feel alientated from God, and this not because I think God has run away from me but because I think I am far from what He knows I should be.  Yet, He has reconciled me to Himself not by my own new faithfulness nor because of my perfect record, but because of the work of His Son Jesus.  Jesus, who was blameless (which I am not), who created everything that is made (which I did not), who is wisdom (which I often have not) became nothing, gave up His fame and praise by men and reputation (which was perfect) to become, well, me (who has a reputation that shifts like the tides, and usually less favorable than I like to believe).  He was despised by the religious people who felt they knew and used Scripture far more correctly (and self-righteously) than He did.  He was doubted by His own disciples.  He reconciled those who were "not His people" and called them "His people".  He called those who were "not His children", His beloved children.

Yet, this second Adam did what the first failed to do.  He obeyed every demand of God's holiness and perfect character in a way that nobody after Adam ever could do, particularly me.  He fulfilled the Law, the very Law which for me is certain death apart from the way it shows me my need for someone other than myself to meet its demands.  HE reconciled me to God.  I did not.

While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.  I know this verse and can say it without thinking of it much.  But, if I think of it only on the surface, I can acknowledge that it tells me He sacrificed in a way I cannot comprehend when I didn't deserve it.  I was ignorant and blind, but He loved me anyway.  I was mocking Him and feeling awfully proud of my self-sufficiency and independence, and He served me anyway.  I had no idea that I needed anyone outside of my own awesomeness, but He entered into the messiness of suffering, ridicule, misunderstanding, blindness, disease, and even judgment to rescue me from my own delusions of self-grandeur.  (All of this, by the way, is true of my daily experience.  My default mode is to feel quite smug and superior in my own blindness to the realities of what is true about my own heart.)

So, He then asks me to reconcile myself to others as He has reconciled me to Himself.  WHAT!?!?

You mean that person who just used Scripture to condemn me(showing me my condemnation by the Law without showing me my righteousness in Christ)?  You mean that person who didn't come to me with their judgments (of me and my actions) but talked to someone else who told me instead?  You mean that person who has been acting "foolishly" in my estimation and not "responsibly" as I assume every aspect of my life to be handled?

Interesting that Adam never apologized before God committed Himself to His great Rescue plan.  Interesting that no one in the Old Testament was choice, but chosen.  (Clowney)  Interesting that in my blindness, God does not spit at me, but that it is His kindness that leads me to repentance.  When I was His enemy in my mind, He died for me.  He has given me sight, even if just partial.  He has stirred my heart, even if just mildly.  I did not find Him.  I did not seek Him out.  I did not save myself.  I cannot transform my heart.  He did, He did, He does and He is.

If this is the grace in which I now stand, why do I not likewise run to be reconciled to those from whom I am separated?  Why is distance more comfortable than unity?  Why have I become so comfortable with isolation, almost preferring its safety to the reconiciliation which the Gospel says reflects better what it is that God has done for me?  Doesn't this grace, this mercy, this unreasonable love of God push me out of myself and my self-sufficiency into the messy lives of others?  Shouldn't my preference for tidy numbness, clean isolation, safe "island unto myself" living make me question what "Good News" it is that I am believing?  Does a life that despises most others and is in need of nobody need Jesus?

In these moments, when my anger overtakes me, when my self-righteousness is evident by my utter lack of compassion, mercy and genuine love for others, I need to be reminded that He has called me flawless, whose flaws are evident to all.  He considers me without blemish, whose blemishes are actually infecting others around me.  I who am guilty on so very many fronts am presented without accusation because of the person and work of Jesus.  Should this not push me out into the lives of others, seeking the same kind of messy and dangerous but unifying reconciliation?  And this not because they "deserve" it, but because I of all people do not, yet have received it even so, and lavishly so?

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Colossians 3:12-14

keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking lies.
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.  Psalm 34:13-14

Oh that I might become one who seeks authentic peace, which is often only achieved through messy humiliation, and one who is increasingly discontent with isolation and division.  Oh that I might be one who pursues others in the pursuit of peace and authentic reconciliation, not on my terms, but on His.

Choose This Day

I used to hear that verse from Joshua, "then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve" as a dropping of the gauntlet.  It was sort of a testosterone pumping challenge of "who's in!?" that of course any one with a spine would be compelled to answer, "ME!"  And, as a "good Christian", of course I want to choose to serve God today and not any other "master".  But, what that even looked like was quite God-less as well.  What I did with that was to try to live by some notion of what I thought a Christian would do (and that list could be pretty endless).  The other obvious application is that if I were asked to do drugs or steal or have sex with a stranger, well, no thank you, I am serving God!  Check that box because job accomplished.

Several years ago, the very helpful distinction between the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Me was introduced to my little Christian paradigm.  It began to dismantle some of my old simple yet impossible notions of how to answer that question of allegiance.  The competing "Lord" for my heart isn't so much that kid dressed in all black trying to get me to do drugs but my own "desires that battle within me" as James 4 discusses.  The truth is, I want to serve my own lusts for significance, comfort, and various notions of "a fulfilling life" with much more passion and desperation than I want to submit myself to the only true Lover of my soul.  I run after my own Kingdom in search of a better, safer, more glorious life only to find I have actually sucked life out of myself and those around me.

This past Sunday, we were leaving church on the way home for lunch and our weekly all-skate family rest time.  Its a time when we as adults have permission to nap, read and just be off duty.  Chad naps and Ellie has quiet time reading or drawing.  It is delightful and readies us for the new week ahead.  At 12:30 as we began our drive home we got the message that someone was coming to look at our home (which has been on the market for almost a year) between 1pm and 2pm.  Not only did this mean we would miss that glorious rest time (because Chad can't start his nap that late and go to bed at a reasonable time that night) but it also meant we had to do a whirlwind cleaning of our home in a very short time.  Drill sergeant Jane emerged to start shouting orders at everyone in this new Code Red emergency. 

Upon my arrival home, I ran upstairs to begin making beds that we'd left before church, putting away clothes, cleaning up toys, noticing sinks that needed to be wiped and mirrors that needed cleaning...Terrell seemed to be taking an awfully long time cleaning those few dishes left in the sink so it seemed reasonable and appropriate to scream down at him to chop chop.  He didn't seem to be feeling the near stroke panic I was which only infuriated this little soldier all the more.  Upon his response, in absolute consternation I yelled, "Are you CHEWING?  Are you EATING!"  I mean, how dare he sneak a bite of food at lunchtime when I am up here internally shaking from adrenaline in the rush to do our duty for the coming agent and her client!  That is when God's Kingdom mercifully interrupted.

"I never asked you to give yourself a stroke in cleaning for these people.  Those orders must have come from another lord because I am the giver of Life, not one who comes to kill and destroy."  Oh yeah.  So, this is what it looks like to choose this day whom I will serve.  The other demanding master seemed so right and rational that I bowed down without hesitation.  My house must be above reproach, I must be above reproach, and if I just work harder and faster I can accomplish that.  I was trying to protect and serve my kindgdom to secure my kingdom's future.  Instead, this good desire for a clean home in the face of prospective buyers came to rule over me in such a vicious way that I probably did have very high blood pressure and rather than loving my family well, I wanted to force them to serve this life sucking god of performance and perfectionism too.

As this bit of Gospel interrupted my fury, I did not stop cleaning up but I did stop shaking.  There was no race I was about to win nor in danger of losing.  God, who is in charge of the sale of our home and of our hearts, had not asked me to kill myself for these visitors and so I was free to go about my work in peace no matter what was left undone in the end.  (Remember, grace is not opposed to work but opposed to striving.)

My anger with Terrell was not righteous anger but was a result of my heart's idolatry.  He was standing in the way of my agenda for my glory.  When I am serving myself and my Kingdom, my initially reasonably desires become demands, and not just out of life in a general way but demands that the people around me must bow to my Kingdom as well.  (Read chapters 5-6 of Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands for more on this.)  It is in this very way that I "serve the creation rather the Creator" (Romans 1), and ask my family and friends to do the same.  I have come to believe, in those moments, that people exist to serve me and my will.

But this is also why God gives us more grace.  This is why it is good news that He is a jealous God and is determined to have our hearts for himself.  What is impossible with man, the turning from self and abandonment of our own kingdom, is more than possible with God.  He is faithful and He will do it.  He grabbed my heart in the midst of my rebellion and rage on Sunday, showed me how much worse I am than I think and how very good, powerful, able and full of grace He is.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Where I could feel life being taken from me and consequently my family, peace began to replace anxiety and life started to replace that immenent death my agenda was bringing.   That is the good news and the grace in which I now stand.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.  Mark 8:35

The Work of Grace

When I would go to the pediatrician as a child for my yearly "check up", they often brought out that little rubber mallet for checking my reflexes.  Well, I knew what that was for and I did not want them to think anything was wrong with me.  I'm pretty sure I kicked that leg way out at times before contact had even been made.  Probably even more humorous to the doctor, who being a professional never let on to the fact I was being so rediculous, were the times there must have been a terribly awkward delay in my response as I thought about it a little too long.  I'm not sure that thing ever actually hit the spot it was supposed to in order to have a genuine reflexive action.  If it had and if my leg had shot out on its own, I'm sure it would have scared me to death.

Dallas Willard said that "grace is not opposed to effort, its opposed to earning."  I like to change that idea to "grace is not opposed to work, its opposed to striving."  Grace in the Biblical story is not that people are given a free pass, whether it be for their sins and eternal relationship with God or in the smaller duties of life.  Grace still involves the work of obeying every demand of the Law and meeting every perfect character requirement of God's holiness, but these things are accomplished by Someone else and transferred to my "account".  Grace means that Someone is doing the work and crediting it to me as if I had done it.  And this is not just some ethereal notion, but it means something not of me is growing in me and though it may take a while to sprout, bit by bit it is guaranteed to produce exquisite fruit.

The best example of the futility of my trying to be holy on my own or respond in love to everyone around in a perfect way or live a comlete hour of my day in a way that genuinely brings glory to God alone is the knee reflex experience.  If that mallet had hit the nerve, I would not have had to think about it for a second.  My leg would have responded.  My leg would still have moved (or "worked") but it would not be because I had willed it to do so.  It would have had no choice.

But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinthians 15:10  I included this in the last blog and have been thinking of it ever since, particularly as I have had several days in a row of utter discouragement with my ugly attitude and harsh words to those around me.

In filling out lots of paperwork for the adoption process, my pride and arrogance began to take me over.  Agitation has characterized me and my interactions with my family.  My knowledge of the person and work of Jesus and that my attitude and behavior was not consistent with the grace and peace I have in Him, could not bring about change.  In those moments, when I was so overpowered by stress, irritation, impatience and those followed by utter discouragement at seeing this seemingly unchanged state of my heart, the power of grace broke through.

Knowledge is not power, even knowledge of the best news in all of human history.  I was perplexed by my attitude and actions because "I know better"...than to let circumstances have such control, than to expect my peace from any source other than the Holy Spirit, etc.  Knowing better will never bring about my heart's transformation because knowledge of my problem and knowledge of the cure cannot accomplish it.  But Jesus ascended so that His Spirit may not just lead us from out in front, as He did through the desert, but enter into us and work from the inside.  It is by grace that I am saved, not just for death but from my own self each hour!  The work of grace, then, is to manifest the person, heart, attitutude, thoughts, perspective, understanding, love, etc. of Jesus to, in and through me in a way I am powerless to do.  Grace works because it hits its target every time.

So, because my "reflex" is to have to ask, "Fine, but what do I do?!?"  Believe.  In those moments, which will happen again this very day, when I see more evidence that I need a Redeemer than of luscious fruit, my hope is not my knowledge, my discipline, my resolve.  In those moments, He asks me to believe and to trust that He is faithful and He will do it.  Each hour, "Oh yeah, this is why I am utterly dependent on Your Spirit and desperately incapable on my own."  The work of grace can't be imitated because it is so clearly from an expert outside of myself.  It is trustworthy and it is guaranteed to work so I can stop despairing in the process and quit faking.  Ahhh, that is good news.

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.  Romans 15:13

New Year's Resolutions

Ahh, January 1st.  A new year, a new start and the anticiaption of achieving new goals and dreams.  I love vision casting and mission statements that direct my life toward a bigger picture and life-giving accomplishments.  The reality, of course, is that January 1st slowly dissolves into cold mid-January which fades into early February where already, those new year's resolutions have been abandoned or diminished into something far less inspiring.  "I'm going to exercise every day!" has become, "Well, I went for two runs this week."  Or perhaps "I'm going to read through the entire Bible this year" finds me at least 15 days behind the insanse reading schedule that I never should have declared possible with my lack of discipline.

Sadly, the New Year's Resolutions model has been my lifetime default mode for approaching my Christian life.  I'm going to start praying more!  I'm going to be more patient!  I'm going to have more faith, love, peace, joy...I'm going to live for what is important and not just be enslaved by the urgent!  This year, I'm going to live for God and not for self...

But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with them. They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over weak-willed women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, always learning but never able to acknowledge the truth. 2 Timothy 3:1-7

Interestingly, I always pictured the people described in this passage as shifty eyed, pointy nosed men in dark robes lurking in the wings of some Episcopal church.  (The Episcopal church was my childhood home, so its just the place I had pictured in my mind...I didn't actually see any characters like this there.)  But, that is how I tend to read descriptions of "bad guys" in Scripture.  They appear in my imagination as stereotypical Disney villains - out there, trying to bring me down!

I never realized what the Gospel tells me, that I am that villain.  My new year's resolution Christianity is just that "form of godliness but denying its power" described to Timothy.  I have been always learning more Scripture, collecting more lists of resolutions and to-do lists to make myself more godly.  Unfortunately, this approach failed to recognize the truth that I cannot make myself more holy and my increased determination, self-discipline and white knuckled efforts cannot change my sinful heart into the heart of Jesus.  The handicap of sin makes me utterly dependent on the life of Jesus alone to transform my heart.

The Good News, of course, is that what is impossible with men is possible with God. 
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. Hebrews 11:1
He is making all things new, even me.  It is Christ in me that is my hope of glory.  It is His life in me, growing and bearing fruit, even if imperceptiby, that is the object of my faith...even if that fruit is not always visible and far slower in growing and showing than I would like.  I can't "New Year's Resolution" the production of fruit that is not possible for me to create.

It is God who works in me to will and to act according to His good purposes (Phil. 2:13) and He has promised to complete the good work that He has begun (Phil. 1:6).  So then, my "form of godliness which lacks power" is a Christian life that doesn't trust Him to do this in His time in the way He knows will bring Him the most glory, both for my life and for those who I love.  This was the faith of Adam and Eve, of Abraham, Noah, Moses, the prophets and all of Scripture.  Its the story of Jonah, Job and his friends, Paul and all of Scripture.  We don't turn and change, He interrupts and overrides with kindness, gentleness and guaranteed success.  This is truly what produces a hope that I will become less as He becomes more, and this not by increasing my grit but by trusting His grace.  But by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace to me was not without effect. No, I worked harder than all of them—yet not I, but the grace of God that was with me. 1 Corinth. 15:10  What Good News for a truly Happy New Year.