Choose This Day

I used to hear that verse from Joshua, "then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve" as a dropping of the gauntlet.  It was sort of a testosterone pumping challenge of "who's in!?" that of course any one with a spine would be compelled to answer, "ME!"  And, as a "good Christian", of course I want to choose to serve God today and not any other "master".  But, what that even looked like was quite God-less as well.  What I did with that was to try to live by some notion of what I thought a Christian would do (and that list could be pretty endless).  The other obvious application is that if I were asked to do drugs or steal or have sex with a stranger, well, no thank you, I am serving God!  Check that box because job accomplished.

Several years ago, the very helpful distinction between the Kingdom of God and the Kingdom of Me was introduced to my little Christian paradigm.  It began to dismantle some of my old simple yet impossible notions of how to answer that question of allegiance.  The competing "Lord" for my heart isn't so much that kid dressed in all black trying to get me to do drugs but my own "desires that battle within me" as James 4 discusses.  The truth is, I want to serve my own lusts for significance, comfort, and various notions of "a fulfilling life" with much more passion and desperation than I want to submit myself to the only true Lover of my soul.  I run after my own Kingdom in search of a better, safer, more glorious life only to find I have actually sucked life out of myself and those around me.

This past Sunday, we were leaving church on the way home for lunch and our weekly all-skate family rest time.  Its a time when we as adults have permission to nap, read and just be off duty.  Chad naps and Ellie has quiet time reading or drawing.  It is delightful and readies us for the new week ahead.  At 12:30 as we began our drive home we got the message that someone was coming to look at our home (which has been on the market for almost a year) between 1pm and 2pm.  Not only did this mean we would miss that glorious rest time (because Chad can't start his nap that late and go to bed at a reasonable time that night) but it also meant we had to do a whirlwind cleaning of our home in a very short time.  Drill sergeant Jane emerged to start shouting orders at everyone in this new Code Red emergency. 

Upon my arrival home, I ran upstairs to begin making beds that we'd left before church, putting away clothes, cleaning up toys, noticing sinks that needed to be wiped and mirrors that needed cleaning...Terrell seemed to be taking an awfully long time cleaning those few dishes left in the sink so it seemed reasonable and appropriate to scream down at him to chop chop.  He didn't seem to be feeling the near stroke panic I was which only infuriated this little soldier all the more.  Upon his response, in absolute consternation I yelled, "Are you CHEWING?  Are you EATING!"  I mean, how dare he sneak a bite of food at lunchtime when I am up here internally shaking from adrenaline in the rush to do our duty for the coming agent and her client!  That is when God's Kingdom mercifully interrupted.

"I never asked you to give yourself a stroke in cleaning for these people.  Those orders must have come from another lord because I am the giver of Life, not one who comes to kill and destroy."  Oh yeah.  So, this is what it looks like to choose this day whom I will serve.  The other demanding master seemed so right and rational that I bowed down without hesitation.  My house must be above reproach, I must be above reproach, and if I just work harder and faster I can accomplish that.  I was trying to protect and serve my kindgdom to secure my kingdom's future.  Instead, this good desire for a clean home in the face of prospective buyers came to rule over me in such a vicious way that I probably did have very high blood pressure and rather than loving my family well, I wanted to force them to serve this life sucking god of performance and perfectionism too.

As this bit of Gospel interrupted my fury, I did not stop cleaning up but I did stop shaking.  There was no race I was about to win nor in danger of losing.  God, who is in charge of the sale of our home and of our hearts, had not asked me to kill myself for these visitors and so I was free to go about my work in peace no matter what was left undone in the end.  (Remember, grace is not opposed to work but opposed to striving.)

My anger with Terrell was not righteous anger but was a result of my heart's idolatry.  He was standing in the way of my agenda for my glory.  When I am serving myself and my Kingdom, my initially reasonably desires become demands, and not just out of life in a general way but demands that the people around me must bow to my Kingdom as well.  (Read chapters 5-6 of Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands for more on this.)  It is in this very way that I "serve the creation rather the Creator" (Romans 1), and ask my family and friends to do the same.  I have come to believe, in those moments, that people exist to serve me and my will.

But this is also why God gives us more grace.  This is why it is good news that He is a jealous God and is determined to have our hearts for himself.  What is impossible with man, the turning from self and abandonment of our own kingdom, is more than possible with God.  He is faithful and He will do it.  He grabbed my heart in the midst of my rebellion and rage on Sunday, showed me how much worse I am than I think and how very good, powerful, able and full of grace He is.  His yoke is easy and His burden is light.  Where I could feel life being taken from me and consequently my family, peace began to replace anxiety and life started to replace that immenent death my agenda was bringing.   That is the good news and the grace in which I now stand.

For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it.  Mark 8:35