Not a Grace Graduate

I got to hear Paul Tripp speak last night and it was fun to meet the author in person.  In referencing the prayer with which he begins each day, starting with "I am a man in need of help today," he acknowledged his hourly need of help because the reality is that he is not a "grace graduate."  I loved that, because my prideful heart so wants to hurry to the alumni board status...which obviously overlooks the fact death is required for that graduation.  As long as I am on this earth in its present condition and in mine (Hebrews 10:14), I remain a student of grace.

Here is but one example of grace's classroom and lesson style:
In the year prior to our church's start, we had various meetings of different groups to pray and plan for its birth.  In one of these meetings, a friend was clearly irritated and impatient and eager to go once the business had been finished.  I can't honestly remember if she called me or if I called her, but I know that she initiated a conversation about the fact that I talk too much.  That is what frustrated her so much in our meeting and she needed to be honest and tell me.  Ouch.

First, I heard condemnation.  I didn't just hear "You were talking too much tonight" but I heard "You drive everybody crazy!  You suck!  You have a Kick Me sign on your back and you don't even see it!  Nothing you say is of value and you are all the time everywhere having this agitating effect on everybody!"  Rejection and shame characterized that first phase.

Second, my inner lawyer jumped in to defend my righteousness.  "How dare she!  She, being single, has no idea what it is like to go from the working world to being home all the time with tiny people who can't carry on any kind of conversation at all.  My talking was an outflow of my passion for the topic!  I have much experience in this area and what good is all that I have learned over the years if not to be used in the shaping of this new effort?!  And she is not so perfect either!  I'm not the only sinner room, after all!  How about the way that she..."  Blameshifting, denial, and defensiveness characterized my secondary response.

What I didn't realize immediately was that her words were a function of grace's use of the Law.  The Law never could make men holy nor was it ever intended to do so.  The Law, as James describes, can only show us how far from God's image we have fallen.

What, then, was the purpose of the law? It was added because of transgressions until the Seed to whom the promise referred had come. The law was put into effect through angels by a mediator. A mediator, however, does not represent just one party; but God is one. Is the law, therefore, opposed to the promises of God? Absolutely not! For if a law had been given that could impart life, then righteousness would certainly have come by the law. But the Scripture declares that the whole world is a prisoner of sin, so that what was promised, being given through faith in Jesus Christ, might be given to those who believe. Before this faith came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Gal. 3:19-24

Without the Law leading us to the person and work of Jesus, the best it can do is leave us naked and ashamed.  If I don't run to be "hidden in Christ", I will run to the nearest fig tree to try to fashion some sort of awkward outfit out of its leaves.  Here is an example:  "Fine!  I will just never talk in those groups again.  That way, nobody can say I talk too much and I will never look like the fool again.  If they don't want me, I don't want them!" or "Who needs her!  I will keep on saying what I need to say because its how God made me and either people need to hear it or they need to appreciate the context of my life in which my talking takes place."  Without the Law leading me to the person and work of Jesus, I am left with either being totally condemned or the option of fighting for my rights no matter what anybody else thinks.  I will either resign or bully.

Mercifully, and for one of the first times in my life, God helped me to recognize this as the work of grace in my life.  Grace was shining a light into my heart so that I could see what was lurking below my gregarious nature.  There is a self-importance which automatically minimizes the importance of other voices in the conversation besides mine.  There is a need to control and have authority, which I was demanding with my use of too many words.  An area of my heart which needs further to be reconciled to God (where I was trying to take over His throne) needs to be diagnosed so that it can be cured.  How can I delight in the cure until I see the disease?

So, I could say "thank you" to her, and mostly mean it, because in the end I got more Jesus.

Paul pointed out last night that Jesus said not to parade our righteousness before others...because WE don't have any righteousness!  Its all the righteousness of Jesus.  I don't really get this.  And, here is how I know that my heart still hasn't really taken hold of this two way exchange (my sin for His righteousness):  I don't want anyone to see that I actually am not fully redeemed and perfected yet but still in need of His righteousness and His transformation.  I still want to believe (and want you to believe) that I am right and righteous, not that I rest in His righteousness alone.

Here is a good test in this class of grace:  Can I go to Terrell (my husband) and ask him to tell me the consistent themes in my anger?  (Here is a hint, the theme of my anger is probably not as much about God's Kingdom as it is about mine)  How comfortable am I at asking others to show me my blind spots, where I am worshipping created things (comfort, status, praise of men, possessions, recognition, etc.) instead of the Creator? 

Why, in fact, did the bad news that someone thought I talked too much make me angry more than grateful?  Because the truth of my heart, deep down where I don't even always know it, is that it makes me angry for anyone else to see that I am a woman in need of help today, in need of a Redeemer this hour, in need of more grace to be reconciled and transformed further into His image as I cannot do on my own.

"Twas grace that taught my heart to fear and grace my fears relived"...how beautiful it is to be a student of grace!

What shall we say, then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! Indeed I would not have known what sin was except through the law. For I would not have known what coveting really was if the law had not said, "Do not covet." ...For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! Rom. 7:7, 22-25

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 1 Corinthians 15:56-57